The Mommy “Angel”….

To the mommy who didn’t sleep tonite cuz she was up with a sick baby, I noticed.

To the mommy who is still wearing maternity jeans at 6 months post delivery cuz she can’t afford new ones, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped garlic toast with dinner so her family could each have 2, I noticed.

To the mommy who buys generic deodorant so her family can eat name brand peanut butter, I noticed.

To the mommy who is still up doing laundry or dishes after 1 am, I noticed.

To the mommy who is rocking her sick baby in the steamy bathroom at 4am, I noticed.

To the mommy who hasn’t had 4 hrs of strait sleep in a year, I noticed.

To the mommy who is scraping whatever that weird gunk is between the stove & counter, I noticed.

To the mommy who goes around spraying Lysol on all surfaces multiple times per day, I noticed.

To the mommy cleaning poo/pee off the potty numerous times per day, I noticed.

To the mommy who has said her thousandth “protection” prayer for her children, I noticed.

To the mommy who has compared herself yet once again to the latest celebrity moms body, I noticed.

To the mommy who has read the same bedtime story for the hundredth time, I noticed.

To the mommy who has layed on the floor holding her childs hand so he/she could  sleep, I noticed.

To the mommy who has spent hours helping her child with their science project, I noticed.

To the mommy who has stayed up all night worrying about a sick child, I noticed.

To the mommy who has worried herself sick during her childs first overnight stay, I noticed.

To the mommy who has repeated “stranger danger” to her children several times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has felt ugly at the end of the day, I noticed.

To the mommy who doesn’t feel valued, I noticed.

To the mommy who loves her family more than herself, I noticed.

To the mommy who cuts coupons, makes lists, and juggles the bills, I noticed.

To the mommy who hasn’t felt sexy since she was 3 months pregnant, I noticed.

To the mommy who tries to make each holiday and birthday special, I noticed.

To the mommy who cooks a meal or two each and everyday, hearing the words “eww”, I noticed.

To the mommy who does her families laundry each week, I noticed.

To the mommy who changes the bedclothes each week…whether they looked dirty or not, I noticed.

To the mommy who struggles thru the evening child bath with smiles and tickles, I noticed.

To the mommy who scrapes yet another egg crusted skillet, I noticed.

To the mommy who sat alone in the middle of the night feeling inadequate, I noticed.

To the mommy who rocked her colicky baby while crying herself, I noticed.

To the mommy who 2nd guessed herself on every child rearing decision, I noticed.

To the mommy who cut ravioli into equal portions for her children, I noticed.

To the mommy who tried to explain Jesus, Santa, or the Easter Bunny, I noticed.

To the mommy caring for children, grandchildren and parents/grandparents, I noticed.

To the mommy scrubbing baseboards/nooks & crannies, I noticed.

To the mommy singing the ABC’s one more time, I noticed.

To the mommy hugging her child & kissing their boo boo, I noticed.

To the mommy wiping the ickiest body substances for the 10th time that day, I noticed.

To the mommy who goes without a new winter coat so her children can have new, I noticed.

To the mommy who skips her prescription this month so her child can have his, I noticed.

To the mommy who fears she is making many mistakes, I noticed.

To the mommy who checks her sleeping babies breaths, I noticed.

To the mommy who sneaks cauliflower into the mashed potatoes, I noticed.

To the mommy who makes her childs lunch everyday, I noticed.

To the mommy who tucks their child in each and every night, I noticed.

To the mommy who scares away the “bad monsters” everynite, I noticed.

To the mommy who has braced herself for the after school “listen to my story first” onslaught, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to read a thousand stories outloud to her child, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped her shower today so her children could have a hot bath, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped a cookie so her child could have two, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt inadequate when compared to another mommy, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt second best when compared to a “work outside the home” mommy, I noticed.

To the mommy who tried to remain calm when she was scared out of her mind for her child, I noticed.

To the mommy who listened to an hour long story of a “booger picker” at school, I noticed.

To the mommy  who heard “But Tommy/Marys mom always lets them do it!” a hundred times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has heard “I hate you!”, I noticed.

To the mommy whose heart has broken during each of her childs sad times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to smile thru tears, I noticed.

To the mommy who has felt invisible, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt all alone, I noticed.

To the mommy who wondered if anyone noticed their home décor, I noticed.

To the mommy who has tried to freshen up after a day of spit up and diapers, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to referee another sibling fight, I noticed.

To the mommy who has given her life for her children…I noticed.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..signed, The Mommy Angel

When Do I Wake Up?

This has been a really long nightmare…and I’m really ready to wake up from it. Really, really ready. I just can’t keep this up. I’m dealing with some Bronchitis right now, a yearly thing…praying I don’t spiral strait to pneumonia, I had the shot 3 years ago…am I still protected? Can’t remember, but at any rate, having Bronchitis is nothing anymore. Compared to my everyday pain and disabilities, having a lung infection is like a mosquito bite. But the coughing is really aggravating my adhesions and hernia, making the pain beyond unbearable. But I have to get this crap outta my lungs…its horrid. My breathsounds sound like a squeaky door closing.

Ever since being in the hospital about amonth or so ago, I’ve been in such a depression. Seven days I was there. I did NOT even want to go in. My doc acted like if I didn’t get into the hospital that day, I would likely die…I had held off for a couple days, then relented. Just as I knew would happen, they could do absolutely NOTHING to help me. My case is too complicated. My insides too messed up. More surgery would be just too dangerous. But they ran enough damn bloodtests, catscans and xrays … I’ve recently started receiving the bills…the part insurance WON”T pay is gettin up to around $10,000. Yep. You saw right.

Honest to God…they did NOTHING to help me while in there! Added a couple pills, which I didn’t even stay on once home because they are useless. My pain is unchanged and my digestion is unchanged and my pooping is unchanged! And now my mental status has deteriorated! Its absured. What on earth. HOw can my problem be this dang complicated…the only thing one doc said was to remove all my intestines and go with a bag, but that I may not survive and other organs may get injured because my insides are so glued together…so the odds don’t sound to good to me…but then again, neither does years living in the agony.

All I am is a financial burden to my family. I used to say I wanted to live for my family, that they need me…but do they? I don’t know if I’m even useful anymore. I spend alot of time in bed of course. Always having to say “I’m not feeling well”, “No, I can’t go, gonna rest today”…so many things I want to do. I would love to be able to take the boys more often, take them to parks and shopping. I would love to take my kids out to dinner or movies more often. I would really just love to be able to take a breath without wincing in pain. I want to be a normal mother and wife. Now that our kids are basically grown, its gettin back to just Jim and I…and here I am…a lump of uselessness. I can’t contribute to our finances, I just cause debt. I feel like Jim would just love to dump me and go find a beautiful, vibrant, healthy and financially fit wife! A Wife that could take care of him and do active things with him. I have told him that he is free to go, anytime. I do not want him staying with me like some martyr. I would take the blame, make him look like a good guy and just let him walk…he deserves better.

OMG. The tv is on in the background with some VERY annoying Ebay commercial that just about made my damn head explode! Some dumb girl talking/singing really fast about something…wow…totally triggered my ticked off button!

I want to work. I miss working. I miss being out with people. I miss being useful. I want to be able to help my family with their financial issues. I want to buy my family things. I love to give gifts but being poor does not allow this.

I had thoughts of getting my records and sending them to Mayo or somewhere that has doctors who actually have brains are…but since these medical bills have started rolling in…I’m figuring thats a big freakin NO. That was a tiny glimmer of hope I had…some Dr. House team at Mayo would get me in there and figure out a great way to fix me…so that I could live out my life like a normal human being….but nope. Not to be.

I’m just getting so angry. I honestly have tried over the years to keep some positivity. To read all the positive books. Keeping faith. But nothing good has happened…other than I’ve lived. So I guess that’s what I’ve got. But all that the living has accomplished is more financial debt and emotional stress for me and my family. I know there are people who are worse…I know it. But I also know that most people have no clue just how BAD I ACTUALLY AM! I look pretty normal, and I generally try to ACT pretty normal…I don’t like hunching over, moaning in public…so I sweat it out til I get to the car then I bawl like a baby til I get home and crawl to the bed. The abdominal pain is relentless, it’s every minute of everyday. It will never go away, ever. My digestion feels like knives going thru me, I am limited on what I can eat. Coughing, Sneezing and laughing make me cry…but crying hurts too. BREATHING HURTS! So there are moments where I think if I had another disease, atleast there would be a cure or cut it out or something. The constant nausea. Add in the Fibro, my body feels as if its been a pummel bag for a very pissed off body builder. My spine has DDD and ruptured disks, failed surgery…so moving just sucks. My hips have arthritis that wake me up from sleeping with a burning pain that makes me want to rip my pillow in half. My teeth constantly hurt. This blood clotting disease keeps me in constant fear of stroke. All these meds are poisoning my liver…so its just pain, pain and more pain.

Oh the meds…that’s really a sore subject this week. I have been going to the Centers For Pain Relief for years now. They have prescribed me pills all that time without much change. I have always used the same pharmacy as well and have kept the same family doc. Because evidently there are drug fiends out there who either doc or pharmacy shop or sell or abuse their meds, therefore I must be watched like a hawk and treated like a junkie, as was evidenced by this weeks appointment where it was my turn to take a random pee test. Well guess what? I DIDN”T have to PEE! I also have bladder issues. I only pee like twice a day. My bladder can hold more urine that my urologist says is possible…yet I do it….and I get lots of infections, and sometimes must self cath.

Anyway…they don’t care that my bladder can’t produce. They make u stand in the hall..in front of everyone…and force you to drink massive quantities of water until you CAN pee. I ended up at this appointment for over an hour and twenty minutes. Most of it standing in the hall, in pain, embarrassed, praying to pee. I was in the bathroom on three seperate occassions, hand in sink with water running on it, practically crying cuz I was so frustrated.

I finally went and they gave me the oh so horrible prescriptions and let me leave. Ya know, people with diabetes have to take meds, people with cancer do, people with all kinds of diseases take meds. We treat people who are in REAL pain like drug addicts. I had never felt that way myself until this happened. I thought I was lucky, well and I do everything right. I’ve never asked for extra meds, never taken them in a wrong way, never lost any, always take as prescribed…I have never once gotten any kind of high feeling from my meds…ever. So I don’t really understand how people get high from them or what good they are for that…but please don’t start making me feel icky about having to take these meds that are the only thing that allow me to even try to get thru a day.

So much is getting on my nerves lately, I guess cuz my body is my enemy and the doctor that ruined my body is out loving life. I have forgiven his mistake, but I still hold the grudge that he gets to enjoy his life…and I don’t. I can’t let it go. He ruined me permanently. Doctors in general now just tick me off. They don’t CARE about us. I’ve seen many, I’ve worked with many. We are CATTLE to 90% of them. They don’t care who we are as people. If they can’t diagnose it in five minutes they don’t wanna deal with you…they shove you down the line. Throw pills at you. If none of that works, they decide you’re crazy and move on…cuz God knows they have a two week Italian vacation coming up! They don’t have time for your pesky problems, especially ones CAUSED by their own profession! Scared of law suits. Their God Complex makes them impotent to perform on cases like mine.

All I want is a doc or a team of docs preferably that care. That will take the time to try to help me. Just ease the pain by half. Or give me an easy YET tasty diet that helps. Cut down on these pills, yet still take care of the pain…just help me! There is more going on in me than adhesions and hernias…I know it…but they aren’t finding it, cuz they are not trying hard enough.

Since I’ve been down so much, I’ve watched a bit of tv. Also tickin me off. Dr. Phil has had alot of “young adults” on there who think the world owes them a living. These spoiled brats think they can graduate high school, barely and walk right into a 2,000 sq. ft. fully furnished home, with a brand new car, sit on their butts playin video games, gettin their nails and hair done weekly, full star studded wardrobe, limitless foods, designer dogs with all the fixins….and not work…or work very little…they just think this crap is owed to them!

I moved out at 17 (well its complicated..I moved from home to home from 13 to 17), but my first apartment was tiny…not sure sq ft but maybe like 500ish. I got furniture from Goodwill, used milk cartons with sheets over them as tables…I had a junker car that barely kept runnin, my dad had to do somethin to it weekly to get it on the road…but my point being…I didn’t expect anyone to give me a full blown life after highschool! I knew it would be a struggle. Yes I had money problems and had to go beggin to family members here and there, even moved home…but it just seems kids these days think they should have the best of everything the minute they move out…the big tvs, blue rays, xbox, cool furniture, best decor….I mean…daaaang! Work for your junk! Live BELOW your means! Learn how to budget! Learn to appreciate what you have!

Ugh. Well, that’s my crazy pain lady rant for today…I’m short of breath and just need to lay down again…take some decongestant. Pray for sleep. Thanks to anyone who read this…I appreciate being able to vent…especially when people actually understand my pain a little bit!

Its gettin to be ugly weather….so hope all the fibro and arthritis peeps are hangin in there! xoxo

AND PLEASE!!! SOMEONE WAKE ME THE HELL UP SOON!
T

Fatigue to the nth degree

 

This will be short, and rambling I’m sure. All my “sleepy” meds are on board…have been for 2 hours now. Am I nestled into my kingsized memory foam bed dreaming of a day on a sunny beach lying in the sun? No…I’m up. Turned computer back on for blogging, again, the thinking being, lets get it out of the brain suitcase and on the puter for all to see.

I’m sooooooooooo tired as of late, I don’t think I classify as human at this point. I’m a science experiement that is being wasted…I’m sure much could be learned. I have gone by the books. Tv off, lights off, fan on….blinders on, lavendar spray on pillow, chammomile tea….quiet time an hour before wanting to sleep…no caffeine since early in the day. Following strict bed time routine. FAIL.

I have tried leaving tv on…cuz i love being lulled to sleep by the tv. I must have my fan on, thats non negotiable. I leave my fishtank on. I count sheeps, angels, I pray…endlessly I pray…I usually finally fall asleep in mid prayer, God gets sick of my going on and on and on and finally knocks me out…that’s generally how it happens…lol.

Which would be fine, if I then had a restful sleep for about 6 hours or more. But I wake up here and there. From like 5am to 9am.  Then go back to bed about 9am and sleep til maybe noon. I don’t feel like I sleep at all. It’s all outta whack. I tried valerian root, all kinds of holistic things…some stuff seems like it helps…but doesn’t solve it.

My eyes ache constantly…like the flu. My mind is mush, can’t remember anything from day to day. I feel I’m turning into an imbecile. I have no energy to do anything either. My adhesions are cutting me in 2. My back is wrecked. My broken foot and ankle just isn’t healing and they said to be patient cuz bonebruising is the worst and takes the longest to heal…even longer than my fractures! WTF>????

There’s been flu thru the house, thru my sons house. Thru my grandparents and parents homes. I’m just so tired. Part of it is probably stress due to the massive amounts of stress I live under, with all my health issues and the massive medical bills that I wrack up monthly with that…it then makes me go on a guilt trip for causing the extra bills….sleep would help escape….for a bit…but I don’t even get to do that…its the opposite…I’m up constantly thinking about it all! All the worlds problems are in my puny mush brain…and they won’t let me sleep!

So lets all start a Prayer that Tammy gets restful sleep pray group……shall we? Lets see if the power of prayer can get me some decent z’s…..It would be much  appreciated! xoxox

sleep

 

I know this was stupid. I don’t care. I’m not embarrassed…for one, no one reads me, for two…i just don’t care…maybe someone else feels wide awake and nutz at dawn and finds this! You are not alone! lol…Guess I will read…some more…I just want  a sense of peace. I think I’ve been searching for peace since I was born…I was born into chaos and that never stopped. Ever. I didn’t raise my kids in chaos…atleast not mostly…so I pray they don’t deal with this crap. Atleast not to this extent. I love those two kids more than words can convey, and I worry about their lives so much…but I’ve got to quit. Gotta quit worrying myself sick over their lives. At 22 and almost 17 they are doing ok…not great, but okay…they will muddle thru life like we all do. I thought I could save them from making mistakes I made, lead them down the easy road…but I can’t…kids don’t want that.They want to fumble and figure it out on their own without my bigmouth spewing the right way to do things.  Even though I do know the easier ways or the better ways….they gotta do it themselves. That’s hard for me to do. I’m a very handson mom…always there for everything. Mommy will fix it. Maybe it did them more harm than good…I do’n’t know.  They are great kids. Funny kids. Loving kids. They will make it. I love them so much. I want so much for them.

Rambling. Yep. I’m rambling. Well, why not? I can’t sleep…..I’m typing…may as well ramble…about sleep now….why can’t I sleep? Tell me. I am about to take 2 ambien I swear.Good thing I don’t gotta get up for church…I been wantin to find a church…but no way can I do Sunday morning services…no flipping way. I need church that is like Sundy night or Wednesday night…then I would love it….otherwise, I will keep my relationship with God between He and I…we chat all day long, and I write him letters he surely loves…lol

Ok…done with the psychoramblings of a sleep deprived woman. Someone send me a voo doochant that will work on me to sleep! plz. xoxo

Useless

Have you ever just felt useless?  Completely useless. I do. Frequently. So, I got like three hours sleep last night.  Guaranteed today is gonna be a drag.  I have some errands to run…a petsitting job and a few other things…but I am gonna be dragging my butt home after that and laying down…

Laying down….something I must do quite often. I am horizontal more than I am vertical it seems. This relentless pain in my abdomen and other areas just keeps me down.  I cannot do alot of the things I would like to do…things MOST people do without even thinking of it.

So…I feel USELESS.  I WANT to be productive, to accomplish things. To be a hard worker.  To help others.  To exercise to have a healthy heart if nothing else.  I would soooo love to have a vegetable garden…but am not physically able to take care of it on a day to day basis, much less get one started.  I would love to take on more petsitting jobs and to work more at the hospital…but my pain and physical limitations prevent that.

I do what I can when I can…but it doesn’t feel like enough.  Therefore I feel useless.  To my family, everyone, and the world.  Seems each day is the same.  Alot of time in bed.  Alot of time on the computer.  Alot of time reading.  Not enough restful sleep.  Not enough production…not enough accomplishing…not enough.

I hate failing.  When I was young, I was very competitive.  I loved sports…especially softball!  But I loved competition…in sports, in academics, in lots of things!  Now I can’t compete in any arena…lol.  Although somedays I feel I’m winning a “sickest” competition…lol, no, not really…but you know what I mean.  I have always liked to “be good” at what I do…I did very well in school…was on the Dean’s List in college…I have always been well liked by supervisors…and clients…but now, with my situation, I don’t get any of that “feedback” anymore.  I mean at my present job and with my present clients, I get great feedback from them…so I guess that’s not altogether true…but if I was healthy, I could REALLY impress them…ya know?

I just feel like a slug somedays….the days when I’m not working mostly.  I love my job…but can’t work as many hours as I would love to.  Seems like when your kids get older and drift off, as a mom you lose that “mommy!  mommy!  i need you” feeling…and become more of an advisor…if that…it’s an odd feeling.  I am beginning to understand the “Empty Nest Syndrome”…even though I have a 16 year old left at home…I am still getting that taste of it.  I never understood that when my kids were young…I thought one would be kind of “relieved” that you got your kids raised to be on their own.  But you very much miss them needing you….you miss them having to hold your hand.  You miss their noise and messes…ok, maybe not that…lol.

Middle age is odd.  Especially going into it already feeling like a senior citizen!  😉

It’s just been a rough couple months.  Shit, it’s been a rough 4 years!  Well…I think I will get vertical and get some coffee…maybe make some breakfast…get dressed…get something “useful” done today…maybe.

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you”  Jeremiah 1:5 NKJV