Tag Archive | children

The Mommy “Angel”….

To the mommy who didn’t sleep tonite cuz she was up with a sick baby, I noticed.

To the mommy who is still wearing maternity jeans at 6 months post delivery cuz she can’t afford new ones, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped garlic toast with dinner so her family could each have 2, I noticed.

To the mommy who buys generic deodorant so her family can eat name brand peanut butter, I noticed.

To the mommy who is still up doing laundry or dishes after 1 am, I noticed.

To the mommy who is rocking her sick baby in the steamy bathroom at 4am, I noticed.

To the mommy who hasn’t had 4 hrs of strait sleep in a year, I noticed.

To the mommy who is scraping whatever that weird gunk is between the stove & counter, I noticed.

To the mommy who goes around spraying Lysol on all surfaces multiple times per day, I noticed.

To the mommy cleaning poo/pee off the potty numerous times per day, I noticed.

To the mommy who has said her thousandth “protection” prayer for her children, I noticed.

To the mommy who has compared herself yet once again to the latest celebrity moms body, I noticed.

To the mommy who has read the same bedtime story for the hundredth time, I noticed.

To the mommy who has layed on the floor holding her childs hand so he/she could  sleep, I noticed.

To the mommy who has spent hours helping her child with their science project, I noticed.

To the mommy who has stayed up all night worrying about a sick child, I noticed.

To the mommy who has worried herself sick during her childs first overnight stay, I noticed.

To the mommy who has repeated “stranger danger” to her children several times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has felt ugly at the end of the day, I noticed.

To the mommy who doesn’t feel valued, I noticed.

To the mommy who loves her family more than herself, I noticed.

To the mommy who cuts coupons, makes lists, and juggles the bills, I noticed.

To the mommy who hasn’t felt sexy since she was 3 months pregnant, I noticed.

To the mommy who tries to make each holiday and birthday special, I noticed.

To the mommy who cooks a meal or two each and everyday, hearing the words “eww”, I noticed.

To the mommy who does her families laundry each week, I noticed.

To the mommy who changes the bedclothes each week…whether they looked dirty or not, I noticed.

To the mommy who struggles thru the evening child bath with smiles and tickles, I noticed.

To the mommy who scrapes yet another egg crusted skillet, I noticed.

To the mommy who sat alone in the middle of the night feeling inadequate, I noticed.

To the mommy who rocked her colicky baby while crying herself, I noticed.

To the mommy who 2nd guessed herself on every child rearing decision, I noticed.

To the mommy who cut ravioli into equal portions for her children, I noticed.

To the mommy who tried to explain Jesus, Santa, or the Easter Bunny, I noticed.

To the mommy caring for children, grandchildren and parents/grandparents, I noticed.

To the mommy scrubbing baseboards/nooks & crannies, I noticed.

To the mommy singing the ABC’s one more time, I noticed.

To the mommy hugging her child & kissing their boo boo, I noticed.

To the mommy wiping the ickiest body substances for the 10th time that day, I noticed.

To the mommy who goes without a new winter coat so her children can have new, I noticed.

To the mommy who skips her prescription this month so her child can have his, I noticed.

To the mommy who fears she is making many mistakes, I noticed.

To the mommy who checks her sleeping babies breaths, I noticed.

To the mommy who sneaks cauliflower into the mashed potatoes, I noticed.

To the mommy who makes her childs lunch everyday, I noticed.

To the mommy who tucks their child in each and every night, I noticed.

To the mommy who scares away the “bad monsters” everynite, I noticed.

To the mommy who has braced herself for the after school “listen to my story first” onslaught, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to read a thousand stories outloud to her child, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped her shower today so her children could have a hot bath, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped a cookie so her child could have two, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt inadequate when compared to another mommy, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt second best when compared to a “work outside the home” mommy, I noticed.

To the mommy who tried to remain calm when she was scared out of her mind for her child, I noticed.

To the mommy who listened to an hour long story of a “booger picker” at school, I noticed.

To the mommy  who heard “But Tommy/Marys mom always lets them do it!” a hundred times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has heard “I hate you!”, I noticed.

To the mommy whose heart has broken during each of her childs sad times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to smile thru tears, I noticed.

To the mommy who has felt invisible, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt all alone, I noticed.

To the mommy who wondered if anyone noticed their home décor, I noticed.

To the mommy who has tried to freshen up after a day of spit up and diapers, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to referee another sibling fight, I noticed.

To the mommy who has given her life for her children…I noticed.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..signed, The Mommy Angel

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Am I Here?

She sat in the car. Feeling numb and sluggish. Thoughts floating in and out of her mind. How did it come to this? How had her life ended up here? She was a young girl once, with dreams and ideals. She had goals for her life. Ending up a useless, sick middle-aged nobody wasn’t one of them.

Growing up was hard. Her parents weren’t ready for such a monumental job as parenting. They were young and immature, but it’s not their fault her life went nowhere. Yes, there was the almost constant physical and emotional abuse in the house thru the years, but she had good coping skills. She was a people pleaser, always trying to do the right thing, be the “good girl”, the “good student” the “good” everything. She didn’t always succeed, but more often than not, she did.

She wanted to be a lawyer. She wanted to do family law, so she could help children from abusive homes, help women break away from controlling husbands. But as senior year came, the reality of needing either alot of money or huge scholarships, slapped her square in the face, and life happened instead.

She got married, to a controlling and abusive husband. Had three beautiful little boys, who she loved with all her heart. Not having a career, or a loving relationship, left her alot of time and energy to place all her love on those boys. They were her life. They are who she lived for.

She stood between them and her abusive husband when he wanted to instill harsh discipline. She made sure things stayed “just so” around the home to keep the peace. She made excuses for the boys when their rooms weren’t tidy or their grades weren’t stellar. She made sure to always scrape together enough money to give the boys wonderful birthdays and Christmases! Seeing them open their gifts or blow out birthday candles with the glow of pure innocent happiness…made all the bad things in life worth going thru.

The years passed, the boys grew. The older they got, the less they needed her. She still stayed the “buffer” between the kids and the rest of the cruel world. Sacrificed all she could to make sure they were happy. The oldest, Christopher, was the first to move out, at 21 he was in a serious relationship and moved in with his girlfriend. He was such a good kid growing up, much like his mother, he was a pleaser. She worried most about this one though, as he was just a tad on the “sensitive” side. He felt things deeply and and felt as though he was not the perfect person he thought everyone expected him to be. Much as she herself felt.

Her middle son left a year later, off to California to live with friends. This about ripped her heart out. The thought of not having her child within a car rides distance was almost too much to bear. But with texts, emails and Skype, she was learning to deal with this “bad” situation, much as she had to learn to deal with so many “bad” situations in her life.

At 18, her youngest Kyle was the last one at home with her. Her baby. He had become the closest to her emotionally of her children. Probably a bit more sheltered and fussed over, being the baby of the family. He seemed to really have the most empathy. He tried to look after his mom. He was the one who noticed when she started to lose weight and stay in bed somedays. He was worried about her, but he was leaving for the Army soon, his dad thought the Army would “toughen” him up. Kyle wasn’t interested in being tough, but felt he hadn’t many options but to join up.

Why get out of bed? She thought one morning around 10am…what’s the point? Would anyone even notice if she didn’t? Other than the dishes in the sink, that might be the one clue to anyone that she wasn’t around that day. What’s she going to do now? She has raised her children and now they are gone. They no longer needed her. Her husband only needed her to bring him his beer and keep his house clean.

The days dragged on and on…the only bright spots being the calls and visits from her sons. They weren’t very frequent though…they were busy with their own lives now. It hurts to feel you put all your love into these little lives, only to grow older and more alone with very little love in return. She felt fatigued more than anything really. Her whole body ached somedays, so she did the chores that couldn’t be ignored and that was it.

At Kyles insistence a year later, she saw her physician for the fatigue and weightloss. They drew blood and performed some other tests and she went back to her daily existence. A week later, she received a phone call. The doctor told her the news right on the phone,..the news wasn’t good, nope, not good at all.

Pancreatic cancer. Which equals “Death Sentence.” She was in a fog the first week after the diagnosis. Just stumbing thru her days, mostly in bed…even her uncaring husband didn’t ask anything of her. She didn’t want to tell the boys right away. She didn’t want to have to draw up the energy to console THEM.

She didn’t have much time left at all. Less than three months. How would she get everything ready in such a short time? Especially when the last month would be a mostly bedridden one? She went about making her own funeral arrangements and after a week, finally called her sons. But none of the three could seem to agree on a good day for them to come for a visit, they were all so busy, with work, relationships, vacations…she told them this was important. She needed them to come.

When they finally arrived, each grumbling about what a kink this visit was putting into their current schedules. She had worked all day on a big dinner. Glazed ham, garlic mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts, white corn, homemade biscuits and gravy. By the time the table was set, she was in so much physical pain she could barely carry the meal to the table. With tears in her eyes, she began serving.

Noone noticed that she didn’t eat, just pushed food around on her plate. The men all carried on a boisterous conversation about current affairs, politics mostly…the one topic she couldn’t stand to talk about or even listen to.  They laughed with their father, joked with him, agreed with most of his views. Have they forgotten how this man behaved toward them growing up? Don’t they recall his tirades? Do they even remember their mom having to stick up for them or keep them from being harshly punished? Do they remember her staying up with them all night when they were ill? Or staying up to help with a last minute science project? Do they recall her holding them, rocking them or consoling them during each of their youthful “crisis” of the moment?

Do they see her as a person? As a woman? As a little girl who sat in the woods, dreaming of the day she would be in a court of law, sending some abusive man off to jail for the atrocities he had his family endure? No. No, they see her as mom. Nobody amazing or special. Just someone who was there whenever they wanted her to be, but who disappeared when they didn’t need her.

She was disposable. She was invisible. She, who had always tried to so carefully “control” her little piece of life…was nobody. But, she wasn’t going to let cancer control how she would die. This she really could control.

Of course the boys all cried and expressed their grief over the fact that she was indeed going to die. She patted their backs, and hugged them and dried their tears. She assured them that she was in no pain and that although she would be leaving them, she would always be in their hearts, and would be forever watching over them from Heaven. After a week of this, they all had to get back to their lives…and she got back to her “non” life.

But now, here in the car, with soft ocean sounds coming from her cd player, the engine quietly idling, she was once again dreaming. With her eyes closed she was once again that little girl, sitting on a stump in the woods…the sun shining down thru the leaves. The trickle of the nearby creek being the music then. She dreamed of the life she thought she’d have. She was important. She was “good”. She was needed.

To that she drifted off to sleep, in a heavily medicated fog, mixed with the carbon monoxide from being in the car…in the garage…for most of the day, without ever having been missed, by anybody.

 

I WAS Here

Being forgotten is worse then not being noticed.

REVEAL!

I shall put you all out of your misery and reveal which of my five stories were completly true.

While number 1 had some truth, the ending was all wrong.

Number 2 was all completlely correct…I picked up my cowboy in a bar. I have never lived that down. He loves to tell that story…me pickin him up…yea…its all true though…I’m not real patient…if you want me, you gotta make the move..or I sure will…haha. Fun time.

The third one has bits of truth in that we did used to go to that park and I was hyper vigiilant with my son…he got no where near that pond without being attached to me however….

The Rick Springfield has bits too…we did love him so…we were obsessed. We did travel around a bit followed his bus, touched his shoe when he was on stage…saw 15 concerts…all great…but didn’t try to take over a hotel to get to him and never saw him off stage.  We were kids…we had parents with us…lol.

Oh and the one about Dexter was a blatant lie. We rarely took walks, but he was a perfect dog. He was MY dog. Loyal to a fault. Stayed with me when i was ill, guarded us all. Always there to show me his Elvis snarl…oh yea..he had one…lovely dog he was. I love him so much. There will never be another Dex.  But he was mine for 15 years, and they were precious to me.

Thanks to all the guesses…hope I got you all emailed….or this gives the answers. Should this occurr again I will read how others are going about it and go in same style…I was a bit of a rogue on this one…but it was still fun and i enjoyed reliving some memories that I hadn’t thought of in a bit.

Thanks to anyone who takes a minute to read my ramblings…they tend to go everywhere these days…I go in spurts, no blogging, then bloggine twice a day…I also journal so alot of it goes there instead of here….I hope my family reads al this chatter after I’m gone…get to know their real mom….the loony as bats crazy woman…who had a life before…I wasn’t alway a sickie, stuck in the bed, whining about a plethora of pains, complaining about what is not getting done…nope. I was a woman. I loved life. I was strong. I was cute. I was needing love. I needed acceptance. I worried about the world, I was free to move from jobs to jobs and flounder about…until I had kids…then It settled down. It was grown up time….I did it fairly well, while still trying to keep a social life and friends, but still be the best mom I can be.

I love talking about my life…there are lots of stories and dramas that haven’t been put to paper yet….I will keep goin…rambling and out of order and context though it may be….you will eventually get to know the real ME.  See past the pain. Look at who I was and who I may have been had things turned out differently…I wonder…..every night. What coulda been?

Perception

I’ve been thinking lately of peoples perceptions of other people.  You know how it is…you see someone and you immediately acquire an idea on who that person is.  By their appearance, demeaner, personality, etc.  Now if you don’t really know that person, you may never know if your “perception” of him was on target or not…

But what of our perceptions of the people we do know?  Or we THINK we know….are our perceptions correct about them?  Do we know their likes/dislikes?  Do we know their political/religious views?  Do we know all their favorites and non faves?  Do we REALLY know if they are safe or unsafe characters?  Are they responsible?  Are they alcoholics?  Thieves?  BiPolar? Depressed?  Happily married or just faking it well? Addicted to drugs? Sex?

How long of a relationship must you have with someone before you REALLY know them?  Five minutes?  A week?  Month? Year? Many years?  Do we ever REALLY know anyone?  We percieve that we do.  But then perhaps they will do something so out of character that we are taken aback.  We are stunned and confused…we think “Well, why would she do that?  That’s so unlike her”

How do others perceive us?  We all change our “faces” …don’t we?  I mean we have our family personality, our company personality, our work personality, our new acquaintance personality, our business personality, our best friend personality, ….you get the idea.

Does any of us REALLY know any of us?  I’ve often wondered how I will be described after I pass away.  Here’s is what I would say about ME:  She was a tragic soul….who lead a rough life, but overcame it for the most part.  She was strong and stubborn.  She liked to do things well…and right.  She was only affectionate with her children and her animals mostly.  She was a free spirit in her younger years, but lost that along the way after life sort of beat her down.  She did her best living with chronic pain…she really believed in using humor to heal the soul.  Loved to laugh.  Loved to read. Loved her children and family so much it consumed her at times.  Was kind to children and animals.  Put a brave face on most days and faced the world…all while gritting her teeth and wanting to get back to bed…lol.  She wanted to feel useful, she wanted others to feel loved and cared for.  She tried to guide her children, to give them useful advice.  She prays constantly. She has a few good friends and has a couple online friends she feels even closer to…a sisterly bond thru pain. She likes for things to run smoothly and therefore tries to make it so.  Believes in lists, lists and more lists! 

So that would be MY perception of me.  Someone else may say things completely different.  May think I’m bitchy and controlling and moody.  May think I am cold and indifferent.  May think I am whiney.  May think I milk my illness.  May think I’m lazy and fat and ugly.

Point being…our perceptions of people….may be wrong or right.  But we treat them the way we perceive them.  Let’s say you treat this friend with utter respect, as he is a doctor, and you have always considered him an upstanding honest truthful person.  Then you find out he is addicted to drugs or porn and cheats on his wife.  How did you not SEE this side of him?  How did he hide it so well?  Or was it right under your nose and yet you chose NOT to see the signs?  Being stabbed in the back is painful…but do we sometimes set ourselves up for it?  By not seeing the forest for the trees?

Sometimes I know people who are so outwardly fake.  Maybe they think no one else notices or knows.  But it’s embarrassing watching them try to pretend to be someone they are not.  Especially when everyone knows they aren’t really that way, or if they buy into the act, they then think that person is an idiot.  When deep down that person is a scared and sad person, who is afraid to show their true selves to people for whatever reason.  Maybe they are not proud of what they’ve become, so they choose to puff up their life story to make it seem more interesting…but all it does is drive people away.

We are a race of perceptions.  I am usually pretty good at reading people.  But I don’t think everyone is.  Sometimes we get the wrong vibes from people…I say go with your gut.  But I feel we all need to put away the masks.  Let’s be who we are, imperfections and all.  Stop trying to impress.  Stop kicking ourselves for not being who we think others want us to be.  We are who we are.  Let’s not waste this life suffering because we perceive we are not who we should’ve been.

I will still wonder how others perceive me…hmmm.

“FAMILIAR ROUTINES BECOME BAD HABITS”

Failure

I am and always have been one of those people who hate to fail.  At anything.  Since I was a young child I have always wanted to “do good” or “be the best” or to “please” those around me.  In elementary school I wanted to be the best speller, the best handwriter, the best kickball player, the best dancer, the best gymnast….you get the idea.

As I grew up, this urge continued.  I had to get straight A’s all throughout nursing school…and did, made it on the Dean’s List, and in the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society.  Then when I started having children, I wanted to be the “best mommy”…I cuddled and coo’d and rocked and sang….I hovered and loved…maybe too much at times.

Point being, that I can’t stand to fail.  I hate to disappoint anyone.  I hate to do anything badly.  And of course I HAVE failed at things.  I’m not perfect.  But I sooo hate that feeling in my gut when I know I am not doing something well, or when I feel I’ve made a mistake, or I think someone is mad at me or thinks badly of me…I just hate it!  I am my worst critic as the old saying goes.  I’m hard on myself for sure.  I used to be worse than I am now…but it’s still there.

There are days when (in my head) I will have a running dialogue that goes something like this: “Man, you are such an idiot.  You know you are the worst mother in the world right?  You have really screwed things up sister! Why can’t you be a good mother?  What is wrong with you?  Why did you do that the way you did?” or “Wow…what a moron!  You just said the dumbest thing to that person…ya know they think you’re a complete idiot now, right? Why can’t you talk right?  What is wrong with you?” or “Geeze you are a fat pig!  Look how ridiculous you look in this outfit!  Like a big fat cow in capris! Why can’t you lose weight?” or “My God, look at all this dog hair on the floor!  This house is a pigpen!  Can’t you keep it cleaner?  More organized? What a loser!” or “You just spent waaay to much money on groceries!  Why can’t you be like those genius coupon women?” or “Look at that athletic healthy woman jogging down the street…why can’t YOU do that?” or “Great…another burnt dinner, take cooking lessons already!”

The crazyness is endless…the conversations that go on in my head….I feel like a failure in so many ways on so many days.  Even when it’s someone else who is failing…if I feel I coulda or shoulda prevented their problems…I blame myself.  If I’m in a group of people and someone seems pissed off…I immediately assume it’s my fault and go about trying to make them “UN pissed off”….try to get into their good graces.  If a friend doesn’t call me for a week…I immediately think “Oh my God!  What did I do?  I must have pissed her off last time I saw her!  What did I say?  What did I do?”  It is of course insane to be this way…I know this…but can’t stop it.  Sometimes I will be driving and just start thinking about all the things that I perceive myself to have failed at and will burst into tears.  “I’m a bad mom!  I’ve ruined my kids!” “I spent too much money!  We are gonna be broke!” “I pissed my coworkers off!  Now they hate me!” ” I just cut that guy in the blue truck off!  Now he thinks I’m a dumb woman driver!”…..lol….pathetic, I know.

So, what is the answer?  I’m not sure…there is probably a self help book out there I can read….I’ll look into it….but it wouldn’t help…I would read it, then figure I failed to learn the message it had.

Oh well….some people are out there and couldn’t care less if they fail or succeed.  I bet they are soo happy!  Grrr!
“Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.”  Earl Wilson

Really?

Just wondering if I am crazy….or is the world just going crazy?  Just read an article about a local baby being seriously injured because his father had him riding in an ATV….not buckled in of course.  Also another where a 5 year old was injured riding a dirt bike…and last week a three year old drowned in a lake…REALLY????  What on earth is going on in parents heads?  Watch your children people!  They can’t make intelligent decisions where there safety is concerned.  YOU have to protect them from dangerous situations!  Seems like people think once a child can stand up, he or she is an adult.  Children’s brains are not fully developed until their early twenties!  They do not know what danger is.  WATCH them!  Put them in seat belts!  Make them wear life vests!  Do NOT let them operate heavy machinery!

Maybe it is me.  I know that I am over protective…but in my opinion I would rather be that than so under protective that my child is injured or killed.  I’m one of those people who believes that children and animals cannot advocate for themselves and we adults need to be there for them and keep them safe.  So shoot me.

I actually hate Summer.  Summer is when all the injuries/deaths go up for children and animals.  Children drowning, hit by cars, bike accidents, fireworks….dogs left chained outside in the heat with no water or food…more domestic fights where children get hurt…They have done studies showing that the heat makes people more aggressive and angry…I believe it.

Children are so innocent….they deserve to be taken care of by responsible and loving parents.  They don’t understand that they are not safe to jump in a pool or try to drive a car or a motorcycle for God’s sake!  They are to be protected and made to feel safe and secure at all times.  To feel loved cared for.  These stories make me sick at my stomach just thinking about all these neglected children…and that’s what it is….NEGLECT.

Children that are being abused, emotionally, sexually or physically…need protection.  There are too many morons out there raising children!  Either teens having kids or just immature, irresponsible women having kids…it’s not fair to these babies who are being abused.  They are so loving and innocent and need to be loved back in return.  They depend on the adults in their world to watch over them.  To care for them.  To protect them from all harm…including verbal harm.

Animals also need advocates.  Too many idiots out there who neglect their pets, or worse…those who hurt animals for fun!  What sick mind finds the abuse of an innocent animal fun?  The same sick bastards who are okay with hurting children I guess.  I am sick of it all.  It is just disgusting.  I try to stay away from the news cuz Idon’t wanna hear it…but it’s all around…you can’t avoid it.

I let this stuff really get to me.  I can’t help it.  I am too sympathetic or emotional I guess.  But I would think that crap would get to anyone with a heart…or common sense!

I guess that’s my rant for today…I am just losing hope for the human race I think.  So much ignorance.

“Kindness is more important than wisdom.  The recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.”  Theodore Isaac Rubin, MD

Mother’s Day!

This will also be a short entry.  I just want to say that I am sooo very thankful to be alive on this Mother’s Day.  To spend the day with my family.  Especially my two wonderful children, Jeremy and Jessica!  I love those two more than they can possibly comprehend.  Without them, I couldn’t go on.  They are my reason for living.  So thank you God above for blessing me with these two awesome children and for allowing me to spend another fabulous day with them!

“A mother’s love is unconditional and never dies”