Archive | May 2010

Useless

Have you ever just felt useless?  Completely useless. I do. Frequently. So, I got like three hours sleep last night.  Guaranteed today is gonna be a drag.  I have some errands to run…a petsitting job and a few other things…but I am gonna be dragging my butt home after that and laying down…

Laying down….something I must do quite often. I am horizontal more than I am vertical it seems. This relentless pain in my abdomen and other areas just keeps me down.  I cannot do alot of the things I would like to do…things MOST people do without even thinking of it.

So…I feel USELESS.  I WANT to be productive, to accomplish things. To be a hard worker.  To help others.  To exercise to have a healthy heart if nothing else.  I would soooo love to have a vegetable garden…but am not physically able to take care of it on a day to day basis, much less get one started.  I would love to take on more petsitting jobs and to work more at the hospital…but my pain and physical limitations prevent that.

I do what I can when I can…but it doesn’t feel like enough.  Therefore I feel useless.  To my family, everyone, and the world.  Seems each day is the same.  Alot of time in bed.  Alot of time on the computer.  Alot of time reading.  Not enough restful sleep.  Not enough production…not enough accomplishing…not enough.

I hate failing.  When I was young, I was very competitive.  I loved sports…especially softball!  But I loved competition…in sports, in academics, in lots of things!  Now I can’t compete in any arena…lol.  Although somedays I feel I’m winning a “sickest” competition…lol, no, not really…but you know what I mean.  I have always liked to “be good” at what I do…I did very well in school…was on the Dean’s List in college…I have always been well liked by supervisors…and clients…but now, with my situation, I don’t get any of that “feedback” anymore.  I mean at my present job and with my present clients, I get great feedback from them…so I guess that’s not altogether true…but if I was healthy, I could REALLY impress them…ya know?

I just feel like a slug somedays….the days when I’m not working mostly.  I love my job…but can’t work as many hours as I would love to.  Seems like when your kids get older and drift off, as a mom you lose that “mommy!  mommy!  i need you” feeling…and become more of an advisor…if that…it’s an odd feeling.  I am beginning to understand the “Empty Nest Syndrome”…even though I have a 16 year old left at home…I am still getting that taste of it.  I never understood that when my kids were young…I thought one would be kind of “relieved” that you got your kids raised to be on their own.  But you very much miss them needing you….you miss them having to hold your hand.  You miss their noise and messes…ok, maybe not that…lol.

Middle age is odd.  Especially going into it already feeling like a senior citizen!  😉

It’s just been a rough couple months.  Shit, it’s been a rough 4 years!  Well…I think I will get vertical and get some coffee…maybe make some breakfast…get dressed…get something “useful” done today…maybe.

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you”  Jeremiah 1:5 NKJV

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Doctors:

Why do we put our lives into a strangers hands?  You wouldn’t you say?  You do, each time you go to your doctor.  We rely on these men and women to take care of us.  To keep us healthy.  To cure us of disease. 

We don’t KNOW these doctors.  We don’t know what their childhood was like.  We don’t know what their marriages are like.  We don’t know what kind of grades they got in medical school…were they in the top half or the bottom half?  Most of the time we don’t know if they have been involved in a malpractice lawsuit…oh, you can try to check on healthgrades or some similar site., but it isn’t always noted…if they settled out of court for instance. it won’t sometimes even be on their record.

Do they CARE about their patients?  Or are they just putting in the time until they can retire to full time on the golf course?  Are they alcoholics or drug abusers?  You can’t always tell….and you would be suprised at the numbers.  Do they even READ your medical history?  I know for a fact that some don’t.  Some never even look at your chart….this is why you find yourself repeating your health concerns repeatedly.  Do they UNDERSTAND your illness?  If it’s a broken bone…they sure do!  Heart condition?  Usually.  But if it’s a more complicated illness, like auto immune diseases (Lupus, APS) or a chronic pain condition (Fibro, CFS) they aren’t so good…cuz that would require them to do extra research…once they graduate med school they don’t feel the need to do a whole lot of that…oh, they must take classes/seminars…but they aren’t often worried about such things.

When I was in the hospital,. there was an instance where the physician that was in charge of my case because my normal doc was busy in Disney World, where he literally NEVER entered my room.  Never touched me or looked at me.  He stood at the nurses station and wrote in my chart…but he never came into my room…while I was on a vent in a coma and my intestines were outside my body.  That man was in charge of my life.

To alot of doctors we are charts.  They dont know us as people.  They don’t CARE about us as people.  We are a means to an end.  They are more concerned about their big houses and fancy cars.  Their boats.  Their vacations. Their country clubs.  In some cases…their NURSES and mistresses. But in alot of cases. WE are just a number.  Some are just going thru the motions.

I love on tv when they show doctors who actually KNOW their patients…like they are friends!  They know all their health history and their lifestyles…that would be awesome!  Then you could feel like that doc was giving you good medical care…like they knew you and cared about you!

With my very complicated medical history I live in FEAR of anything new happening to me.  If I passed out right now…and was sent to the hospital…they could really screw me up…because I am on soo many medications…because my abdomen is very delicate…if they cut into me without knowing what they were doing, they will most certainly kill me (my intestines are all glued together and glued to my organs and very close to the skin…no muscle wall protecting them).  I can not say with any assurance that my family doctor would even think of that.  I’m on blood thinners, of course that is on my chart…but it was on my chart in the hospital and mistakes were made.

There are soooo many medical mistakes made and sooo many ways to cover them up.  So many that are not reported and some that are reported but not fully disclosed.  We as healthcare consumers are on our own.  WE have to be responsible for our own healthcare needs.  We have to investigate our doctors. but even then we cannot rely on the info we find.  We have to choose our docs with our gut along with what we find out about their education.  We have to keep our own set of medical records up to date.  We have to KNOW our medications well and know the side effects and what interractions with other meds or foods there are.  We must ask questions.  We must research our illnesses…our symptoms. We have to educate ourselves.

The day of going to the town doc and just leaving everything up to him is over.  I hate going to doctors…for good reason I would say.  But I DO have to go to them.  New ones at times.  And it sucks.  I HATE it.  Just like this new urologist I am seeing.  He has me cathing for what he says is urinary retention.  I believe there is more going on than just that.  But, I’m doing what he has prescribed for now…waiting for that return appointment where I can ask for further tests to be done….because although i do have retained uring…it’s not much, and my symptoms have not gone away since cathing.

It’s scary to be a person who has several illnesses to deal with.  Let me see…what all do I have…1) Antiphosphosipid Syndrome (potentially fatal blood clotting autoimmune disease) 2) Lupus 3) Adhesions/Neuromas/Scar tissue/Hernias (due to botched abdominal surgery-also potentially fatal due to bowel blockage/strangulation) 4) Degenerative Disk Disease and ruptured disks in back 5) Osteoarthritis of back, hip and knees 6) Mitral Valve Prolapse 7) Ruptured tendons in elbows 8) Fibromyalgia 9) neurogenic bladder 10) Really bad teeth…lol.

Current symptoms I can’t figure out…but are not medication related….are, extreme nausea and fatigue…more than the norm, and flank type pain and my eyes ache and are very tired and the whites are bloodshot and greyish looking. I’m afraid it’s liver related…or kidney possibly.

I dunno.  But I just feel like doctors find me confusing.  Like I’m just too complicated…maybe they don’t know where to begin…or are afraid to do anything…lol. Don’t get me wrong.  I respect the doctors that are really trying to do good.  The ones who treat us like people…not cattle.  I respect how hard they’ve worked for their license.  I just get tired of seeing the ones who just run you thru like a car wash.

I’ve done some research on Medical Malpractice…and it’s just astonishing what’s going on out there.  It’s downright horrifying. But we NEED doctors.  We have to go to them.  We have to depend on them.  We have to trust them.  But you better do your part.  And even if you do…add alot of prayer and faith in God to get you through.

To all the doctors out there who actually CARE about your patients…God bless you.  To the one’s in it for the money and prestige…God help you.  To the dumbass who butchered me….I hope you think about it each and every day.

So…this was my 50th blog!!!  Woo Hoo!  50!  The bigh 5-0!  😉

Thanks to everyone who takes the time out of their busy day to read my little blog with all my crazy ramblings!  I appreciate it!  I love the messages and support from you all!

“Live, Love, Laugh!”

Blah days

Todays one of those days.  The “Blah days” I am getting so sick of.  It’s a Saturday.  Nothin to do.  No money to do it with really.  Everyone in the world seems to have something to do today, except for me.  I’m just sittin here with the dogs, watching MSNBC cuz there is nothing on tv….and piddling around with the computer.

Tired as hell.  But can never sleep.  Bored.  Sick of having so many health problems.  Sick of taking so many pills.  Sick of laying in this bed.  Sick of pretending to be positive.  Sick of worrying. Sick of trying to figure out where I went wrong in so many ways.  Sick of scheduling doc appointments and paying for all the medical bills.

I am just blah.  The rain has finally stopped.  But, it doesn’t really matter, since I have nothing to do anyway.  Makes me wish I had another friend.  One who was always available.  Right there every single time you had the need for a friend…of course, there is no such thing, because no one person can possibly be there for you every single time you would like for them to be…but it would be so nice….wouldn’t it?  Suddenly you feel lonely and bam!  Right there she is…to hang out with ya…nothin fancy, just sit and watch a movie or go to lunch…oh well….it’s like wishin for a genie in a bottle I guess.  Not gonna happen.

I am alone so much, I think I’m going bonkers.  lol.  I’m sick of the sight of my bedroom.  I feel like I am well into my 80’s…with all the pain/sickness and complete and utter boredom.  I’m 42/going on 82.  My life is seeming fairly useless at this point.

Guess I better read one of my “inspirational” books and get my mind out of this sewer of negativity again.  I’m up and down…but alot of down…all due to my health…if I was healthy, I believe I would be much happier with life.  Of course there would still be problems to deal with, but I could deal with life’s issues alot more efficiently with a healthy body.  I could enjoy life more with a body that wasn’t wracked with major pain every second of every day. I could be more carefree and excited about living.

I try and try to stay upbeat and positive and grateful for all the good things in my life…and I succeed many days in being happy.  But the underlying pain/illness is always just under the surface…ready to jump out and rip out my guts.  I’m shopping with Jess and we’re having fun and laughing and POW the pain tears thru my belly like a machette…and wipes the smile and fun off my face, and ends our enjoyment.

I’m at work, loving my job…caring for my patients, whom I have so much empathy for, knowing just exactly how they feel and what they are going through…and ZAP…major pain strikes again.  And I must sit and not do the job as well as I would want to, because I can barely breathe thru my pain.

I’m watching a funny movie with the family and being so blessed….when BAM….the pain zips thru me so unexpectedly I have no time to brace, and tears come to my eyes, but I don’t cry, because that would hurt much more than help.

I dress up and try to go out with my husband and look decent…only to feel ugly when the pain makes me have to slump and not smile or enjoy anything that’s happening.  I sit stonefaced, while the fun goes on around me.

Of course I am thankful to just be here.  Yes I am.  I want to be here.  Even if it means suffering every minute.  I want to be here to see my family.  To be in there lives.  To help them when and if I can.  To try to be a part of the world.  To try to help anyone I can.  To try to keep figuring out why I’m here.  What my purpose is.  What can I bring to the world.  What will my mark be?

Just getting thru one of my blah days. 

Trying to find the sun.

Learing to deal in a positive way.

The life I’m tryin to run.

Tomorrow will be better.

I will find the sun.

God is in my life.

He knows I’m dealing with strife.

The lessons I am learning.

All while yearning.

For a life without pain.

Believing in God.

A happy life I will gain.

Have a wonderful weekend all my internet friends!  Wish you were here with me, to help me thru my yucky day…but I guess you are!

Mother’s Day!

This will also be a short entry.  I just want to say that I am sooo very thankful to be alive on this Mother’s Day.  To spend the day with my family.  Especially my two wonderful children, Jeremy and Jessica!  I love those two more than they can possibly comprehend.  Without them, I couldn’t go on.  They are my reason for living.  So thank you God above for blessing me with these two awesome children and for allowing me to spend another fabulous day with them!

“A mother’s love is unconditional and never dies”

Shorty….

So I haven’t blogged in awhile.  A few reasons, was planning and having a blast for my daughters 16th birthday….got my first manicure/acrylic nails and am having a really hard time typing with them…and I am sick as hell.  I am having bladder/kidney issues, not sure whats causing it…am on antibiotics…AGAIN…and am now having to catheterize myself three times per day and I HATE it.  It hurts, and it’s inconvenient…and it’s not making my bladder or kidney pain go away yet…but it’s only been a little over  week or so.  I am so fatigued and my eyeballs ache like the flu…but it is not the flu.  No fever though.  Yet I do feel as if I am dieing a slow agonizing death.

I also set up my secondhand fish tank.  It looks nice…after I had to buy all kinds of stuff for it!  LOL….keeping fish is not a totally inexpensive hobby!  But, now that it’s all set up, I am hoping I don’t have to spend alot more, other than the obvious stuff.  My little Daisy loves to sit on my bed and stare at the fish..barks at them too…it is adorable.  I just love the water sound and the graceful way the fish swim around…very calming.

So, I am hoping everyone out there in cyberspace will pray for my newest illness to back the hell off, cuz I am at the end of my rope here.  I have fears that it may actually be a serious matter…but am praying not.

Thank you for reading!

Look at everything in life as if it’s the first or the last time you will see it.