Tag Archive | tears

The Mommy “Angel”….

To the mommy who didn’t sleep tonite cuz she was up with a sick baby, I noticed.

To the mommy who is still wearing maternity jeans at 6 months post delivery cuz she can’t afford new ones, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped garlic toast with dinner so her family could each have 2, I noticed.

To the mommy who buys generic deodorant so her family can eat name brand peanut butter, I noticed.

To the mommy who is still up doing laundry or dishes after 1 am, I noticed.

To the mommy who is rocking her sick baby in the steamy bathroom at 4am, I noticed.

To the mommy who hasn’t had 4 hrs of strait sleep in a year, I noticed.

To the mommy who is scraping whatever that weird gunk is between the stove & counter, I noticed.

To the mommy who goes around spraying Lysol on all surfaces multiple times per day, I noticed.

To the mommy cleaning poo/pee off the potty numerous times per day, I noticed.

To the mommy who has said her thousandth “protection” prayer for her children, I noticed.

To the mommy who has compared herself yet once again to the latest celebrity moms body, I noticed.

To the mommy who has read the same bedtime story for the hundredth time, I noticed.

To the mommy who has layed on the floor holding her childs hand so he/she could  sleep, I noticed.

To the mommy who has spent hours helping her child with their science project, I noticed.

To the mommy who has stayed up all night worrying about a sick child, I noticed.

To the mommy who has worried herself sick during her childs first overnight stay, I noticed.

To the mommy who has repeated “stranger danger” to her children several times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has felt ugly at the end of the day, I noticed.

To the mommy who doesn’t feel valued, I noticed.

To the mommy who loves her family more than herself, I noticed.

To the mommy who cuts coupons, makes lists, and juggles the bills, I noticed.

To the mommy who hasn’t felt sexy since she was 3 months pregnant, I noticed.

To the mommy who tries to make each holiday and birthday special, I noticed.

To the mommy who cooks a meal or two each and everyday, hearing the words “eww”, I noticed.

To the mommy who does her families laundry each week, I noticed.

To the mommy who changes the bedclothes each week…whether they looked dirty or not, I noticed.

To the mommy who struggles thru the evening child bath with smiles and tickles, I noticed.

To the mommy who scrapes yet another egg crusted skillet, I noticed.

To the mommy who sat alone in the middle of the night feeling inadequate, I noticed.

To the mommy who rocked her colicky baby while crying herself, I noticed.

To the mommy who 2nd guessed herself on every child rearing decision, I noticed.

To the mommy who cut ravioli into equal portions for her children, I noticed.

To the mommy who tried to explain Jesus, Santa, or the Easter Bunny, I noticed.

To the mommy caring for children, grandchildren and parents/grandparents, I noticed.

To the mommy scrubbing baseboards/nooks & crannies, I noticed.

To the mommy singing the ABC’s one more time, I noticed.

To the mommy hugging her child & kissing their boo boo, I noticed.

To the mommy wiping the ickiest body substances for the 10th time that day, I noticed.

To the mommy who goes without a new winter coat so her children can have new, I noticed.

To the mommy who skips her prescription this month so her child can have his, I noticed.

To the mommy who fears she is making many mistakes, I noticed.

To the mommy who checks her sleeping babies breaths, I noticed.

To the mommy who sneaks cauliflower into the mashed potatoes, I noticed.

To the mommy who makes her childs lunch everyday, I noticed.

To the mommy who tucks their child in each and every night, I noticed.

To the mommy who scares away the “bad monsters” everynite, I noticed.

To the mommy who has braced herself for the after school “listen to my story first” onslaught, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to read a thousand stories outloud to her child, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped her shower today so her children could have a hot bath, I noticed.

To the mommy who skipped a cookie so her child could have two, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt inadequate when compared to another mommy, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt second best when compared to a “work outside the home” mommy, I noticed.

To the mommy who tried to remain calm when she was scared out of her mind for her child, I noticed.

To the mommy who listened to an hour long story of a “booger picker” at school, I noticed.

To the mommy  who heard “But Tommy/Marys mom always lets them do it!” a hundred times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has heard “I hate you!”, I noticed.

To the mommy whose heart has broken during each of her childs sad times, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to smile thru tears, I noticed.

To the mommy who has felt invisible, I noticed.

To the mommy who felt all alone, I noticed.

To the mommy who wondered if anyone noticed their home décor, I noticed.

To the mommy who has tried to freshen up after a day of spit up and diapers, I noticed.

To the mommy who has had to referee another sibling fight, I noticed.

To the mommy who has given her life for her children…I noticed.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..signed, The Mommy Angel

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Failure

I am and always have been one of those people who hate to fail.  At anything.  Since I was a young child I have always wanted to “do good” or “be the best” or to “please” those around me.  In elementary school I wanted to be the best speller, the best handwriter, the best kickball player, the best dancer, the best gymnast….you get the idea.

As I grew up, this urge continued.  I had to get straight A’s all throughout nursing school…and did, made it on the Dean’s List, and in the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society.  Then when I started having children, I wanted to be the “best mommy”…I cuddled and coo’d and rocked and sang….I hovered and loved…maybe too much at times.

Point being, that I can’t stand to fail.  I hate to disappoint anyone.  I hate to do anything badly.  And of course I HAVE failed at things.  I’m not perfect.  But I sooo hate that feeling in my gut when I know I am not doing something well, or when I feel I’ve made a mistake, or I think someone is mad at me or thinks badly of me…I just hate it!  I am my worst critic as the old saying goes.  I’m hard on myself for sure.  I used to be worse than I am now…but it’s still there.

There are days when (in my head) I will have a running dialogue that goes something like this: “Man, you are such an idiot.  You know you are the worst mother in the world right?  You have really screwed things up sister! Why can’t you be a good mother?  What is wrong with you?  Why did you do that the way you did?” or “Wow…what a moron!  You just said the dumbest thing to that person…ya know they think you’re a complete idiot now, right? Why can’t you talk right?  What is wrong with you?” or “Geeze you are a fat pig!  Look how ridiculous you look in this outfit!  Like a big fat cow in capris! Why can’t you lose weight?” or “My God, look at all this dog hair on the floor!  This house is a pigpen!  Can’t you keep it cleaner?  More organized? What a loser!” or “You just spent waaay to much money on groceries!  Why can’t you be like those genius coupon women?” or “Look at that athletic healthy woman jogging down the street…why can’t YOU do that?” or “Great…another burnt dinner, take cooking lessons already!”

The crazyness is endless…the conversations that go on in my head….I feel like a failure in so many ways on so many days.  Even when it’s someone else who is failing…if I feel I coulda or shoulda prevented their problems…I blame myself.  If I’m in a group of people and someone seems pissed off…I immediately assume it’s my fault and go about trying to make them “UN pissed off”….try to get into their good graces.  If a friend doesn’t call me for a week…I immediately think “Oh my God!  What did I do?  I must have pissed her off last time I saw her!  What did I say?  What did I do?”  It is of course insane to be this way…I know this…but can’t stop it.  Sometimes I will be driving and just start thinking about all the things that I perceive myself to have failed at and will burst into tears.  “I’m a bad mom!  I’ve ruined my kids!” “I spent too much money!  We are gonna be broke!” “I pissed my coworkers off!  Now they hate me!” ” I just cut that guy in the blue truck off!  Now he thinks I’m a dumb woman driver!”…..lol….pathetic, I know.

So, what is the answer?  I’m not sure…there is probably a self help book out there I can read….I’ll look into it….but it wouldn’t help…I would read it, then figure I failed to learn the message it had.

Oh well….some people are out there and couldn’t care less if they fail or succeed.  I bet they are soo happy!  Grrr!
“Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.”  Earl Wilson

Alone in pain

I’m here. Alone in pain

In the fetal position

The tears wax and wane

I cry out to God, why me?

I hear no answer

For no answer can there be

I am just one born to suffer

There are others too

Some have it even rougher

This pain  has taken my soul

Although I’m still here physically

I am no longer whole

I’m alone in pain

My second attempt at poetry to vent my pain.  Bad I know.  I’m growing! It’s another unusually bad night of pain for me…and I wanted to enjoy our weekend to Indiana Beach…but its not meant to be I guess…I’ll grit my teeth and fake it though.

Honored!

An honor from my very good friend Jolene!

 

Today started off bad.  I didn’t sleep well AGAIN last night.  Barely at all really.  I’m battling yet ANOTHER bladder infection, even though I’ve been very careful about being sterile while cathing.  I feel like death.  My eyes just burn and ache, my head feels foggy, I am soooo nauseated, my bladder hurts, I can barely go to the bathroom…without using the cath that is.  I just feel so fatigued and just …. BLAH again.

I went to see the urologist…he was happy that my residual was down…so I can stop cathing for awhile and see if my bladder can do what it’s supposed to do.  In the mean time he put me on a different antibiotic to see if it would clear up the infection…waiting on the culture to come back.

After that I had to go do some shopping for our upcoming weekend … the whole family is going to Indiana Beach for the weekend!  I should be thrilled, but feeling like I do….I can’t muster up much enthusiasm.  I will just do everything I can do to make sure EVERYONE else will have a good time…so I went and got all the food, lots of junk-food with some fruit and veggies thrown in here and there…lol, lots of water, flavored and otherwise…and all the paper-products and toiletries we will need.  While in the store I honestly thought I was gonna have to leave…I was in so much pain from the adhesions…they were ripping me apart…then throw in the bladder issues and then a wave a nausea that about made me pass out.  But I took some deep breaths and steadied myself and pressed on.  Sounds like I’m climbing Mt. Everest doesn’t it?  That’s pathetic…but sometimes something as simple as grocery shopping feels like climbing Mt. Everest!  People with chronic illnesses/pain struggle so much just to do ordinary things!

Anyway, got it all home and thank God for my baby Jess…she brought everything in and put it away…she helps me out so much…I’m very grateful for her.  Then I came in and got into my jammies, grabbed me some tea, sat on my bed and opened my laptop…and got such a wonderul suprise!

A very special friend of mine had left me this most wonderful message, that she had honored me with “A Most Lovely Blog” award…as she had also been honored by another blogger!  Jolene is a wonderful and inspiring writer!  She has so much empathy for others in pain, and struggles daily with her own.  She brings inspiration and hope to so many with her supportive words.  She has made me smile through tears on more than one occassion.  Her blog is wonderful and whether you are a chronic pain/illness survivor or not, you would really enjoy reading it!  http://gracefulagony.wordpress.com/

I will now start giving thought as to who I can pass on this honor too!  There are so many wonderful bloggers out there who inspire me!  Or make me laugh on days when I feel more like crying!  I’ll be working on choosing them over the next few days…in the mean time…let me just again tell Jolene just how much I admire her…aspire to be like her…feel blessed to have found her…and truly do feel like I’ve been reconnected with my long lost sister!  Thanks Jolene!  You made what was just another crappy day…into a special one!

PAY IT FORWARD!

Too old for pink polish?

Ok…I’m having one of those “Everything hurts and I’m emotional” days.  So, I wake up this morning, as soon as I moved I had to blink back tears.  I have tendon problems in both elbows from taking Levaquin last Summer for a UTI…it’s a side effect that alot of people don’t know about…it can cause tendon rupture…usually in the tendon on the back of your heel, but can occur in any tendon.  So, lucky me…it got my elbows!  Now, the incredible thing is, there isn’t much they can do about it!  I have had cortisone injections in them and taking oral steroids and worn braces, but nothing helps.  The pain is honestly excruciating!  I stopped complaining to the docs, because it seemed nothing could be done, other than surgery and they can forget that crap!

Anyway…back to the start of my day…so, as soon as I moved my arms I was about to cry due to the pain…but I sucked it up as usual…laid there and tried to slowly stretch all my limbs to loosen up.  Rolled over on my side to try to get my pain gripped body out of bed and of course the pain in my abdomen nearly caused me to drop to the floor when I stupidly tried to pull myself up to a sitting position, and the adhesions/scar tissue/neuromas in my belly screamed out LOUDLY.

I sit on the edge of the bed for a few minutes, my mouth is dryer than any desert (side effect of meds I assume), I take a drink of water, grab my pill box and start pulling out the morning meds, now this should be a smooth process, but is it?  No.  I have a “pouch” on my esophogus that little pills like to get caught in…so, I generally try to remember to take the little ones first so the bigger ones can catch them and push the little ones down…cuz if I don’t…they get caught and it turns into a big choking/retching episode that is not pleasant.  Well I was lost in pain and took the big ones first and of course one of the little ones got caught in the pouch!  Luckily I have learned to keep crackers in my nightstand to hurry and eat to push the damn pills down, so this is what I did.

So, at this point I have been up for about 10 minutes and already NOTHING has gone right for me.  I stand up, thinking “Does everyone feel this shitty in the morning?” I walk hunched over as I always must in the morning, cuz my abdomen hurts the most then I guess cause I move in ways I shouldn’t in my sleep…or because I’ve gone all night without pain meds…not a pretty look.  I get to the bathroom and I KNOW I still have that damn UTI…there is evidence…it makes me mad cause now I gotta call the doc and go in there and get more antibiotics or she is gonna make me go to a urologist or some dumb crap…more medical bills I don’t need.  Then I grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth, which are also a constant source of pain even after putting $7,000 in them a couple years ago…I cannot wait for them all to rot to the point some dentist will pull them and give me dentures!  I haven’t been able to chew on my right side for 3 years!  And I have an extreme phobia of the dentist, so that doesn’t help matters.

So, I get my cup of coffee…grab a piece of toast so there is something in my tummy for the meds.  My husband comes in with a gardening magazine and is showing me different flowers and plants he wants for the yard…I give my opinions and we have small talk.  I just happen to say “Honey, look at my fingernail polish!  Isn’t it pretty?”  Hoping for a “Yea, it is!” But instead, what I got was a weird look and a “That color polish is for a younger woman or girl! You’re too old for it.”  I was stunned….hurt….and PISSED!  WTF?  Too old for a bright pink polish?  How do you come to that conclusion?  And why would you say such a thing to your wife, who obviously liked the polish?

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It really was stupid, I know, but it hurt my feelings, and I went into immediate “Cold shoulder mode”….He just couldn’t understand why I got upset.  This is a man, who as I have stated in previous blogs is a saint for all he has had to do for me since the doctor butchered me in 2005/2006.  But…this is also the man  who rarely if ever gives me any kind of compliment.  In fact on our honeymoon he told me he didn’t ever want me to feel or think I was pretty.  Well, mission accomplished buddy.

So, then since my day was going so damn well, I went into my “Screw you, I am going to clean everything in this house and hope I die in the process!”  Insane?  Yep.  When I get mad, I clean.  My house is clean all the time anyway for the most part. So first I started dusting, then doing the windows then I got on the treadmill for about 15 minutes.  Pain?  Oh you betcha!  Pain that would put most people to the point of passing out.  The pain said, “You better sit the hell down, or I will sit your ass down!”  I sat down.  The tears started.  I got mad because I was crying.  I got mad because it hurts my abdomen to cry and to blow my nose.  I got mad that the doctor did this to me.  I got mad that I am getting older.  I got mad that my elbows hurt so bad I can’t lift a water bottle without major pain.  I got mad that I have to take a half cup of pills every day just to get by.  I got mad that I saw dirt on the floor that I can’t bend over to clean up properly.  I got mad that we are living in this house that I hate.  I got mad that on top of my chronic pain and chronic diseases, I also have to keep getting these damn urinary infections.  I got mad that I am heavier than I should be because I can’t exercise enought to lose weight, because of the pain.  I got mad that my husband insulted my PINK FINGERNAIL POLISH!

I then asked my daughter and her friend to run the sweeper, and to please change the sheets on my bed (it hurts me to push the sweeper and making my king size bed is also alot of bending and pulling that hurts too much), so they got that stuff done for me.  I gave my baby Daisy a bath, which she hates, but she smelled like she’d been rolling in dead bodies.  I took extra pain medication…took a shower and then laid down and prayed.  Prayed for the pain to subside…just a little.  My innerds felt on fire.  Like Freddy Kruger was in there sharpening his blades.  My elbows were throbbing.  I wanted to cry HARD.  Really let it out.  But I couldn’t, it would just cause more pain. 

Now it’s 11pm.  I’m laying here watching tv…sort of…and blogging.  My husband will be home from work soon.  Am I still gonna be giving him the cold shoulder?  Probably not.  He doesn’t get it anyway.  The fact that this new pink polish made me feel “pretty”, it made me happy.  Even though I am in pain and very ill…I still make an effort to look decent.  I put on makeup, do my hair, dress nice, wear jewelery, perfume, etc.  Some days I feel like “why bother?  you are a 43 y/o chronically ill, fat married ugly woman!”  But usually I DO make an effort.  I like to feel like “A Woman”…to feel pretty (even if clearly I fail)…Once in awhile I get a “look” from some stranger (male) and have been hit on here and there…go figure…but secretly inside, it makes me feel good!  Someone actually finds me attractive!  Wow!  But my husband doesn’t seem to…I know he loves me…there’s no doubt…but why he finds it so difficult to make me feel like a desirable woman, is beyond me. 

Anyway…here is my conclusion.  IF WEARING BRIGHT PINK POLISH MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY AND PRETTY, THEN DAMMIT I AM GOING TO WEAR IT!!!

So tonight, I put on a 3rd coat of it!  And I put it on my toenails too!  So there!

“Truly, it is allowed to weep.  By weeping, we disperse our wrath; and tears go through the heart even like a stream.” Ovid

Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to read my blog.  I appreciate all of you.

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