Have you ever just felt useless? Completely useless. I do. Frequently. So, I got like three hours sleep last night. Guaranteed today is gonna be a drag. I have some errands to run…a petsitting job and a few other things…but I am gonna be dragging my butt home after that and laying down…
Laying down….something I must do quite often. I am horizontal more than I am vertical it seems. This relentless pain in my abdomen and other areas just keeps me down. I cannot do alot of the things I would like to do…things MOST people do without even thinking of it.
So…I feel USELESS. I WANT to be productive, to accomplish things. To be a hard worker. To help others. To exercise to have a healthy heart if nothing else. I would soooo love to have a vegetable garden…but am not physically able to take care of it on a day to day basis, much less get one started. I would love to take on more petsitting jobs and to work more at the hospital…but my pain and physical limitations prevent that.
I do what I can when I can…but it doesn’t feel like enough. Therefore I feel useless. To my family, everyone, and the world. Seems each day is the same. Alot of time in bed. Alot of time on the computer. Alot of time reading. Not enough restful sleep. Not enough production…not enough accomplishing…not enough.
I hate failing. When I was young, I was very competitive. I loved sports…especially softball! But I loved competition…in sports, in academics, in lots of things! Now I can’t compete in any arena…lol. Although somedays I feel I’m winning a “sickest” competition…lol, no, not really…but you know what I mean. I have always liked to “be good” at what I do…I did very well in school…was on the Dean’s List in college…I have always been well liked by supervisors…and clients…but now, with my situation, I don’t get any of that “feedback” anymore. I mean at my present job and with my present clients, I get great feedback from them…so I guess that’s not altogether true…but if I was healthy, I could REALLY impress them…ya know?
I just feel like a slug somedays….the days when I’m not working mostly. I love my job…but can’t work as many hours as I would love to. Seems like when your kids get older and drift off, as a mom you lose that “mommy! mommy! i need you” feeling…and become more of an advisor…if that…it’s an odd feeling. I am beginning to understand the “Empty Nest Syndrome”…even though I have a 16 year old left at home…I am still getting that taste of it. I never understood that when my kids were young…I thought one would be kind of “relieved” that you got your kids raised to be on their own. But you very much miss them needing you….you miss them having to hold your hand. You miss their noise and messes…ok, maybe not that…lol.
Middle age is odd. Especially going into it already feeling like a senior citizen! 😉
It’s just been a rough couple months. Shit, it’s been a rough 4 years! Well…I think I will get vertical and get some coffee…maybe make some breakfast…get dressed…get something “useful” done today…maybe.
“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you” Jeremiah 1:5 NKJV