Archive | August 2010

Tired with a dash of defeat

It’s been a long past couple of months.  Pain levels spiraling out of control many days. Family problems suddenly coming out the wazoo.  Stressing out because I feel I am not working enough to contribute to our finances because the pain keeps me from signing up for too many hours.  I feel I’ve failed my family in many ways.  And frankly they have failed me in some ways. That’s just life I guess.  But family is all we have, so we try to work it out.  But when you have a chronic illness, it’s hard to add all of that crap to your already piled up plate..

Will there ever be a day where I wake up and say “Wow! I feel pretty good today!” and hop out of bed and the sun is shining and my  whole family is here, all healthy and happy and loving and honest and appreciative of each other?  Where I can walk around the house without h0lding my butchered abdomen in my hands.  Where I can bend over to pick up something off the floor?  Where I can walk the 2 blocks to the grocery store to carry home a gallon of milk?  Where my children look at me with the love and admiration they had when they were little?  Where my grandmother is healthy and strong and planning on living another 10 years?  Where my dog stops peeing in the house? lol…I just want some happiness.  I want normalcy.  I want this feeling of fatigue and failure to walk the hell out the door and never come back.

So many days I think I should just stay in bed and let life just go on without me.  I evidently do no good when I’m up, so why keep participating in this rat race that is going nowhere?  Why should I keep pushing myself?  Why keep caring and worry about others when that care isn’t reciprocated? Why bother to do anything but take care of myself…and I can barely do that.  I’m just this sick woman who has been living this illusion that me being around was helping others.  That somehow they NEEDED me to be around.  Now I know no one NEEDS me around.  Maybe it’s good that no one needs me….but since my health disaster in 2005, me thinking that my family needed me was what saved me. It was what kept me fighting to live. It’s what forced me to keep going.  Now what keeps me going? As a mom you get used to being needed and looked to for answers. Once they are gone…what are you to do? Especially when you are a sick person? 

I spose it’s just another funk I’m in due to the increase in pain. And the realization that things are not always what you think they are.  People won’t always stay the same or always be there for you.  Sometimes you have to watch people go away. There are alot of cruel and crazy people in the world who can weasle their way into otherwise normal people and make THEM crazy as well. Crazy is contagious I think…

So here it is about 1am and I can’t sleep, although my eyes ache with fatigue.  My hair is falling out again due to stress.  My gutt is feeling like there are two swordsmen in there battling it out. Maybe I have caught one of the crazy bugs, who knows…but I’m feeling a bit lost here.

I don’t know what I’ve ever done to be made to live this way, to be discarded from the world…I just don’t know…but whatever it was I would like to say right now to the Universe I AM SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! PLEASE EITHER MAKE MY LIFE TOLERABLE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY….OR TAKE ME OUT OF THE GAME! I’M SICK OF THE BENCH.

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A DAUGHTER

You can’t believe your dream has come true!

A beautiful daughter, born just for you!

She is perfect in everyway

You gaze at her all night and day

You pray to God each and every night

That you can raise this perfect girl right

As she goes from dolls to boys

You smile as she and her friends giggle, even though you say “keep down that noise!”

She has become a gorgeous young lady who makes you beam with pride

And you fear no man is worthy to have her as his bride

She is far too pretty, too sweet and too kind!

So her suitors will be in a major bind

They must prove they deserve her love

That God sent him from above

Because that’s the only way he’ll pass moms test

Is if God himself says he’s more deserving than the rest

For she was MY girl first and always will be

Because the mother-daughter bond is FOREVER you see!

A SON

The nurse lays him on your chest

There were others born that day, but you know he is the best

Now you’re officially a mommy

You’re in charge of this boy, the next 18 years will be like a tsunami

Can you do it? Can you raise him right?

You wonder this each and every night

You love him so much you can think of nothing else on the planet

You vow to protect him and guide him and to be his wall of granite

The years pass by and you watch him grow

Are you doing it right? You just don’t know

You worry and fuss over his every move

You’re a good mom, this much you’ll prove

He’s grown from dinosaurs to girls

Right before your eyes like a tilta-whirls

Where’s that seet little boy who would sneak toads into his room?

How is it he is already of age to be a groom?

You still fuss over his life

You will, even after he takes a wife

He is your son and you are his mother

This is a bond, like no other

Being a parent is tough

Did you do it right?

You did, because you loved him enough

And a mother and son is a beautiful sight

Trapped

She is trapped in this life

In her role as mom and wife

Violence for the last forty years

Hazy due to too many beers

Uneducated, irrational and afraid

She had no options, so she stayed

In a house so full of abuse

At the hands of her husband and son, there is no excuse

Beaten down emotionally

She cries constantly

With no means to live on her own

She’s trapped and feels so alone

She drinks to numb the pain

Not caring if they look at her with disdain

If her high blood pressure don’t kill her, the stress will

She thinks death may be easier as she swallows the pill

Filled with anger and frustration all her life

With an aura of rage you can cut with a knife

Now in her sixties, what’s she to do?

She thought life would be different, this much is true

So she smokes and she drinks and she waits to die

Because she IS trapped, and that’s no lie

Her daughter has offered to take her in

But she refuses to burden, even her kin

The yelling and screaming and fists flying

It’s the no end in sight that keeps her crying

Her energy is slowly sapped

She drinks alone…feeling trapped

Blog Carnival Introduction!

Well first of all let me say this is my FIRST blog carnival!  I had never heard of them before my wonderful cyber-friend Jolene (of Graceful Agony) introduced me to them.  What a wonderful idea!  I have had so much fun reading blogs since discovering them in February. Yes, I know blogs have been around long before that, but I just never actually READ them.  That is until I decided to start my own after another friend started one…he has since quit blogging, even though he’s a talented writer and should be writing all the time…but  that’s when I found Jolene’s Graceful Agony blog, and it really inspired me!  She is a wonderful person and a gifted writer and everyone needs to be reading her blog at http://gracefulagony.wordpress.com/ …but enough about her….this blog is supposed to be all about ME! lol (said jokingly of course!) 😉

Me.  Well, at risk of boring most of you I will keep the life history of yours truly as short as possible.  I’m a forty-two year old married mom of two wonderful children, a 22 y/o man and a 16 y/o young lady and of course I love them both more than any words could ever convey.  My husband is very devoted and supportive.  I have two dogs who keep me entertained and provide me with unconditional love and affection.  My childhood was very rough and dysfunctional to say the least, but I won’t type all that out, as it is pretty much portrayed in some of my earlier blogs (The Little Girl). I love to read and to write.  My favorite color is pink…but I wear alot of black and white because its easy…lol.  I love dogs and babies.  My fave tv show is The Office.  I love Steve Carell and Will Farrell.  I love all music, rock, pop, country, spiritual, jazz and more.  I love Chinese and Mexican foods the most.  I like a good margarita once in awhile.  I love good movies…especially the classics…Cary Grant, Bette Davis, Deborah Kerr…those are great movies!  I bite my nails til they bleed. I worry too much. I am a denti-phobe to the nth degree. So that’s a little about me, now here is about my chronic pain/illness!

My “adulthood” was going along fine until about 1998 when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, after a few years of having mysterious aches and pains, and going from doctor to doctor.  None of the meds they ever tried me on helped much…so I just didn’t take anything other than over the counter meds after awhile…and just gritted my teeth and got on with life.

Then I started having pelvic pain that just wouldn’t quit. So in 2005 my OBGYN at the time said a hysterectomy would solve my problems…but that he would leave my ovaries so I wouldn’t go into early menopause.  I was all for anything that would stop the pain that was really affecting my daily life at times. I woke up from that surgery in more pain than he had led me to believe there would be and found out that I had hemmorhaged during the hysterectomy and required a few units of blood…but that other than that everything went peachy…by his standards I guess.

I recovered from that hysterectomy, but continued to have pelvic pain.  I decided in my infinite wisdom to find a different OBGYN as I wasn’t entirely impressed with the other…which now in hindsight was quite possibly a life-changing decision.  The new doc was young, handsome and had a great bedside manner.  He impressed me with his knowledge and I believed him when he said that my pain was probably due to the cysts on my ovaries and if they came out the pain may stop as well.  Now, my thinking was…that of course the pain would stop…there would be nothing else in that area to cause the pain…right?  So, I was too trusting and didn’t do much research into any of it and actually was looking forward to the operation to get those “things” out of my body so the pain would stop. I would take that pain back in a split second compared to the pain I must now endure.

That surgery changed my life forever. I will make it as short as I can.  During the operation the doc punctured my intestine and failed to recognize it.  He went to Disneyland for vacation…I ended up in ICU on a vent and medically induced coma, and remember very little for a few months after the operation except alot of pain and being restrained to the bed to keep from me pulling all the different lines and tubes out.  I ended up over the next year having around fifteen abdominal operations, part of my intestine removed, having ostomies, wound vacs attached to my abdomen where the wound was left open (about the size of a softball) and the hose was attached to a machine that vacuumed out the contents for months, I was fed thru a line inserted under my collar-bone, I had other peripheral lines up around my arm pits, or in my upper arm…which frequently ended up giving me blood infections that I also almost died from, I spent most of that year in 3 different hospitals, and some of it at home with home care nurses and my family working to care for me around the clock.My husband and family became my nurses.  I missed many family events of course during all of this…basically I missed my sons entire senior year and my daughters sixth grade year.  To shorten this section up, I will end it by saying the last surgery managed to close up my abdomen, but the pain is non-stop due to massive adhesions (my insides are basically like hardened cement…organs glued together and to the abdominal wall), the nerve pain called neuromas from the constant cutting, and I have no abdominal muscle wall at all in the front…I have a ventral hernia from my breastbone to my pubic bone and my intestines lay right under the skin/fat layer.  I can’t eat alot of foods due to digestion problems.  I must wear an abdominal binder 24/7 to help ease the pain and hold the hernia in.  I go to a pain center every month and must take narcotics to even take the edge off the pain.  I can’t do alot of the things I used to do, no bike riding, no running, no hard exercising of any kind…basically I can’t do anything that requires using abdominal muscles.  The pain is relentless and hard to even describe to people, it is like your insides are on fire while at the same time being shredded.  To say it makes everyday life difficult is an understatement, but I am alive. Living with pain, but alive.

So, since I know that was long…even though I really did leave ALOT of stuff out! I will finish up here.  About the time I started blogging and finding others out there who were suffering with chronic pain just as I was, there was alot of depressing thoughts going through my head.  I was feeling down and useless at times, and still do occassionally.  But I am a fighter, I always have been.  Stubborn some people would say I guess.  But it’s that stubborness that got me through that horrific nightmare that I lived through…and continue to live through. Stubborness and a wicked sense of humor!  I read self-help books and look for inspiring blogs on the web.  I pray alot. I always said I would continue to live for my childrens sake.  I now feel I will continue to live for MY sake.  Even though there are so many days that I am crying in the fetal position and ready to jump off the nearest bridge, I eventually dry my eyes and decide that I won’t give up that easily.  I want to live, even if it’s with pain that would bring most people to their knees, I want to experience life…to see the beautiful sunsets/sunrises, all the beauty nature provides, and to see my family, my children, my grandchildren.  I love blogging because it’s free therapy for me.  I can vent, I can inspire, I can joke (sarcasm is my specialty!), I can pretend that someone out there actually cares!

Wow…this really did turn out long…if it’s too long I guess my buddy Jolene will have to tell me to shorten it up and I will!  I’m thrilled to be involved in this carnival and look forward to hearing everyones story! To anyone who suffered thru MY long story…thank you for reading!

3 more poems:

FORGET:

They wonder why you can’t just forget it

Put it behind you and quit

Quit talking about the surgery that went wrong

Get on with life and let bygones be gone

But I can’t forget about it you see

Because it crippled me permanently

I’m sorry if my pain bores or annoys you

But I awaken with it each day anew

The pain that cuts like a knife

Won’t let me forget or get on with life

To you it happened so long ago

For me, it never stopped, don’t you know?

With every deep breath I take

I’m reminded of his surgical mistake

So while your world has gone on to flourish

Mine stopped rotating and became malnourished

I am doing some forgetting though

Forgetting who I was before I was butchered so

Can you ever forget a loved one whose died?

That’s how it feels to me

Like some horrible death ride

Like I died that day so long ago

Why can’t I forget?

I don’t know.

THE MASK:

Look at my face, what do you see?

The mask I must wear to look like who you want me to be

The mask makes me look like a normal person

When in fact, it’s merely a diversion

For I’m no longer normal I’m afraid

Since that cold November day

Because on that day the doc changed me forever

And most definitely not for the better

Not only did he dismember my body for good

He also scarred my mind and made me feel misunderstood

Because try as I might to smile and forget

The pain rips thru my cemented insides and says “OH NO, NOT YET!”

Neither my body nor my mind will ever be the same

And that doctors mistake is to blame

He is the reason the face you see isn’t Tammy Loraine

But the mask to hide the excrutiating pain

The mask with a smile and I can do it attitude is what people may see

But when the mask slips, that’s when they see me

The face that’s all twisted in agony and pain

Tears streaming down like a torrential rain

But eventually the mask is carefully placed back on

Then to others the pain appears to be gone

Underneath the mask, I’m still here, trying to be strong and brave

Yet somedays fantasizing about going to my grave

Where the mask won’t be needed or wore

Because I would be crying no more

But, until then, for almost every task

Tammy Loraine will be wearing the mask

 

 

1st DO NO HARM:

First do no harm, Is that the pledge you took?

Just some silly words out of a book

Because you did much more than harm

The day you butchered me like a pig on a farm

Do you even think of it while you live your charmed life?

The fact that I can’t even function as a normal wife?

I’m sure you feel you did nothing wrong

Meanwhile my life’s playing out like a bad country song

Signed consent, that’s your excuse

That’s what you say to avoid the noose

Was it a known complication?

Or just you hurrying for vacation?

It would be one thing if I was repaired and fine

But I never will be….so now what do I sign?

The end!

Just 3 I wrote up at work last night on break…they maybe kinda rough…lol….but I’m still enjoying writing them!

Happy…

😀

Happy!

I felt happy

Does that sound sappy?

Being hugged by a small child

Makes my ills seem quite mild

They are so sweet and innocent

They see the world as magnificent

When they look at you with eyes so trusting

How can you feel anything but loving?

Small children and puppies make life seem so grand!

Their unconditional love makes me feel like I’ve gone to Disneyland!

Puppy kisses and childrens hugs

Are so much better than any drugs

Add to them a few good books and a cherry limeade

And I may just feel I’ve got it made!

It really doesn’t take much to be happy

And I really don’t care if that sounds sappy!

There we have it, another original Tammy poem….maybe I could be the next Dr. Seuss??? Yea, right. lol….nah, but it’s fun to do, so I have no plans to stop.

Pain levels have been going steadily upward as of late.  Not much I can do about it.  Just rest when I can and bite the bullet and do what needs done when it needs done.  Living with chronic pain is a pain.  Especially when your disability is invisible.  Because as I have said before, if people don’t actually SEE something wrong with you…they have a hard time believing you’re suffering.

I keep trying to live as a “normal” and somedays I do just fine. Then there are days as of late where my acting abilities fall short, and I start biting off peoples heads and fall into bed and burst into tears.  Ya spend alot of time feeling misunderstood when you have a chronic illness.  Your brain is screaming “Why don’t they understand?  Can’t they see I’m in so much pain it’s crippling? Why can’t they get it?” But it’s not really their fault.  They don’t get it, because they aren’t living it.  Although, if they are close family or friends, the do have to live with it to a degree.  They must see you when you’re suffering, they must deal with your moods, they must feel helpless because they can’t help you.  They must feel that way, because I know that’s how I feel when someone I love is ill or hurt.  I feel helpless that I can’t help them, that I can’t make the hurt go away.

So, although I’m in pain today….even worse than yesterday…I am going to ignore that demon and I am going to do what needs to be done.  And I’m going to keep the feeling of that little three year old boys hug and the slurpy smooches of my baby Daisy Duke in mind, and make it a happy day!

I have fallen into a funk as of late, but starting today, once again, I am crawling out of that hole and living with a more positive attitude!  I’m sure I will trip and fall again into that hole, but I will ALWAYS crawl out of it and start over! 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week!  Choose to be happy!  Choose to be positive!  Smile!  Play with a puppy!  Hug a child!  Watch the sunrise/sunset!  Read a great book!  Do what makes you feel like you’re living!

 

big baby hugs!!!!

“There is no such thing as the pursuit of happiness, but there is the discovery of joy”….Joyce Grenfell