When Do I Wake Up?

This has been a really long nightmare…and I’m really ready to wake up from it. Really, really ready. I just can’t keep this up. I’m dealing with some Bronchitis right now, a yearly thing…praying I don’t spiral strait to pneumonia, I had the shot 3 years ago…am I still protected? Can’t remember, but at any rate, having Bronchitis is nothing anymore. Compared to my everyday pain and disabilities, having a lung infection is like a mosquito bite. But the coughing is really aggravating my adhesions and hernia, making the pain beyond unbearable. But I have to get this crap outta my lungs…its horrid. My breathsounds sound like a squeaky door closing.

Ever since being in the hospital about amonth or so ago, I’ve been in such a depression. Seven days I was there. I did NOT even want to go in. My doc acted like if I didn’t get into the hospital that day, I would likely die…I had held off for a couple days, then relented. Just as I knew would happen, they could do absolutely NOTHING to help me. My case is too complicated. My insides too messed up. More surgery would be just too dangerous. But they ran enough damn bloodtests, catscans and xrays … I’ve recently started receiving the bills…the part insurance WON”T pay is gettin up to around $10,000. Yep. You saw right.

Honest to God…they did NOTHING to help me while in there! Added a couple pills, which I didn’t even stay on once home because they are useless. My pain is unchanged and my digestion is unchanged and my pooping is unchanged! And now my mental status has deteriorated! Its absured. What on earth. HOw can my problem be this dang complicated…the only thing one doc said was to remove all my intestines and go with a bag, but that I may not survive and other organs may get injured because my insides are so glued together…so the odds don’t sound to good to me…but then again, neither does years living in the agony.

All I am is a financial burden to my family. I used to say I wanted to live for my family, that they need me…but do they? I don’t know if I’m even useful anymore. I spend alot of time in bed of course. Always having to say “I’m not feeling well”, “No, I can’t go, gonna rest today”…so many things I want to do. I would love to be able to take the boys more often, take them to parks and shopping. I would love to take my kids out to dinner or movies more often. I would really just love to be able to take a breath without wincing in pain. I want to be a normal mother and wife. Now that our kids are basically grown, its gettin back to just Jim and I…and here I am…a lump of uselessness. I can’t contribute to our finances, I just cause debt. I feel like Jim would just love to dump me and go find a beautiful, vibrant, healthy and financially fit wife! A Wife that could take care of him and do active things with him. I have told him that he is free to go, anytime. I do not want him staying with me like some martyr. I would take the blame, make him look like a good guy and just let him walk…he deserves better.

OMG. The tv is on in the background with some VERY annoying Ebay commercial that just about made my damn head explode! Some dumb girl talking/singing really fast about something…wow…totally triggered my ticked off button!

I want to work. I miss working. I miss being out with people. I miss being useful. I want to be able to help my family with their financial issues. I want to buy my family things. I love to give gifts but being poor does not allow this.

I had thoughts of getting my records and sending them to Mayo or somewhere that has doctors who actually have brains are…but since these medical bills have started rolling in…I’m figuring thats a big freakin NO. That was a tiny glimmer of hope I had…some Dr. House team at Mayo would get me in there and figure out a great way to fix me…so that I could live out my life like a normal human being….but nope. Not to be.

I’m just getting so angry. I honestly have tried over the years to keep some positivity. To read all the positive books. Keeping faith. But nothing good has happened…other than I’ve lived. So I guess that’s what I’ve got. But all that the living has accomplished is more financial debt and emotional stress for me and my family. I know there are people who are worse…I know it. But I also know that most people have no clue just how BAD I ACTUALLY AM! I look pretty normal, and I generally try to ACT pretty normal…I don’t like hunching over, moaning in public…so I sweat it out til I get to the car then I bawl like a baby til I get home and crawl to the bed. The abdominal pain is relentless, it’s every minute of everyday. It will never go away, ever. My digestion feels like knives going thru me, I am limited on what I can eat. Coughing, Sneezing and laughing make me cry…but crying hurts too. BREATHING HURTS! So there are moments where I think if I had another disease, atleast there would be a cure or cut it out or something. The constant nausea. Add in the Fibro, my body feels as if its been a pummel bag for a very pissed off body builder. My spine has DDD and ruptured disks, failed surgery…so moving just sucks. My hips have arthritis that wake me up from sleeping with a burning pain that makes me want to rip my pillow in half. My teeth constantly hurt. This blood clotting disease keeps me in constant fear of stroke. All these meds are poisoning my liver…so its just pain, pain and more pain.

Oh the meds…that’s really a sore subject this week. I have been going to the Centers For Pain Relief for years now. They have prescribed me pills all that time without much change. I have always used the same pharmacy as well and have kept the same family doc. Because evidently there are drug fiends out there who either doc or pharmacy shop or sell or abuse their meds, therefore I must be watched like a hawk and treated like a junkie, as was evidenced by this weeks appointment where it was my turn to take a random pee test. Well guess what? I DIDN”T have to PEE! I also have bladder issues. I only pee like twice a day. My bladder can hold more urine that my urologist says is possible…yet I do it….and I get lots of infections, and sometimes must self cath.

Anyway…they don’t care that my bladder can’t produce. They make u stand in the hall..in front of everyone…and force you to drink massive quantities of water until you CAN pee. I ended up at this appointment for over an hour and twenty minutes. Most of it standing in the hall, in pain, embarrassed, praying to pee. I was in the bathroom on three seperate occassions, hand in sink with water running on it, practically crying cuz I was so frustrated.

I finally went and they gave me the oh so horrible prescriptions and let me leave. Ya know, people with diabetes have to take meds, people with cancer do, people with all kinds of diseases take meds. We treat people who are in REAL pain like drug addicts. I had never felt that way myself until this happened. I thought I was lucky, well and I do everything right. I’ve never asked for extra meds, never taken them in a wrong way, never lost any, always take as prescribed…I have never once gotten any kind of high feeling from my meds…ever. So I don’t really understand how people get high from them or what good they are for that…but please don’t start making me feel icky about having to take these meds that are the only thing that allow me to even try to get thru a day.

So much is getting on my nerves lately, I guess cuz my body is my enemy and the doctor that ruined my body is out loving life. I have forgiven his mistake, but I still hold the grudge that he gets to enjoy his life…and I don’t. I can’t let it go. He ruined me permanently. Doctors in general now just tick me off. They don’t CARE about us. I’ve seen many, I’ve worked with many. We are CATTLE to 90% of them. They don’t care who we are as people. If they can’t diagnose it in five minutes they don’t wanna deal with you…they shove you down the line. Throw pills at you. If none of that works, they decide you’re crazy and move on…cuz God knows they have a two week Italian vacation coming up! They don’t have time for your pesky problems, especially ones CAUSED by their own profession! Scared of law suits. Their God Complex makes them impotent to perform on cases like mine.

All I want is a doc or a team of docs preferably that care. That will take the time to try to help me. Just ease the pain by half. Or give me an easy YET tasty diet that helps. Cut down on these pills, yet still take care of the pain…just help me! There is more going on in me than adhesions and hernias…I know it…but they aren’t finding it, cuz they are not trying hard enough.

Since I’ve been down so much, I’ve watched a bit of tv. Also tickin me off. Dr. Phil has had alot of “young adults” on there who think the world owes them a living. These spoiled brats think they can graduate high school, barely and walk right into a 2,000 sq. ft. fully furnished home, with a brand new car, sit on their butts playin video games, gettin their nails and hair done weekly, full star studded wardrobe, limitless foods, designer dogs with all the fixins….and not work…or work very little…they just think this crap is owed to them!

I moved out at 17 (well its complicated..I moved from home to home from 13 to 17), but my first apartment was tiny…not sure sq ft but maybe like 500ish. I got furniture from Goodwill, used milk cartons with sheets over them as tables…I had a junker car that barely kept runnin, my dad had to do somethin to it weekly to get it on the road…but my point being…I didn’t expect anyone to give me a full blown life after highschool! I knew it would be a struggle. Yes I had money problems and had to go beggin to family members here and there, even moved home…but it just seems kids these days think they should have the best of everything the minute they move out…the big tvs, blue rays, xbox, cool furniture, best decor….I mean…daaaang! Work for your junk! Live BELOW your means! Learn how to budget! Learn to appreciate what you have!

Ugh. Well, that’s my crazy pain lady rant for today…I’m short of breath and just need to lay down again…take some decongestant. Pray for sleep. Thanks to anyone who read this…I appreciate being able to vent…especially when people actually understand my pain a little bit!

Its gettin to be ugly weather….so hope all the fibro and arthritis peeps are hangin in there! xoxo

AND PLEASE!!! SOMEONE WAKE ME THE HELL UP SOON!
T

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2 thoughts on “When Do I Wake Up?

  1. ((((HUGS)))) XOXO There are no words I can say to make it better, only that I love you and my heart breaks for you. I know you are suffering and it makes me sick what has happened to you Tammy…..this never should have happened, especially to someone with such a beautiful spirit like you. I have an idea……play the lottery, win money and get to Mayo. Maybe somehow someone there could figure out what to do. I’m serious….buy a lotto ticket once a week, you never know. In this rich country, it shouldn’t be this way. To have to go into deep debt due to medical issues (caused by the medical profession of all things) and still not find help. That is so wrong. I don’t know what to say…..I feel so helpless, and I want to help you. I wish I could come sit with you and share your day with you, so you’d know you aren’t alone. If I was nearby, I would be there with you. All I can do is tell you that I love you and that I care what you are going through. I wish it wasn’t happening. I wish….. I wish….. I’m so sorry. xoxoxoxoxo

  2. This is so awful for you and so unfair! (((((Hugs))))); I still have to send something your way. I haven’t forgotten.
    Know that there are lots of folks praying for you; wish there was something I could do to make it all go away for you!
    Never hesitate to vent here or in an email to me.
    You are always in my thoughts,

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