Archive | April 2010

blah, blah, blah…KIDNEY FAILURE!

So….been tryin this whole, let’s jam a tube up my pee hole for a few days now.  Thought I was getting pretty good at it yesterday..but am feeling ill today.  Just that sick, malaise, icky…my bladder hurts..it burns…I can literally barely get urine to come out on its own…and not that much with the cath eithr.  There are also tiny blood clots too.  I a m officially scared now.  My kidneys may be failing.  I am also nauseated.  I am on Bactrim DS…you would think that would’ve helped.  Nothing goes right.  Not one damn thing.  Well, anothr life lesson learned…don’t take pooping or peeing for granted…cuz when you can’t do it…ITS A BIG FREAKIN DEAL!

Gettin really hard to stay tough.  Really hard.

God has a huge sense of humor….

So I went to the urologist today…seems my bladder is kind of paralyzed and doesn’t know when to say its beyond full…to give me the signal to pee.  A normal adult bladder holds about 300 ml of urine when full.  Mine was drained of 750 ml after having urinated what I thought was all my urine.  A normal person should pee like every 4 hours.  I pee like twice a day.  My bladder is so stretched out, it has no elasticity…so my urine sits in there and breeds bacteria.

Now I get to catheterize myself three times a day…everyday…for 3 months…and pray that my bladder regenerates and shrinks back to normal size….but if not, I will be stuck doing this forever.  I am freaking out.  It hurts to stick that cath in there!  THREE times a day?  OMG.  Unreal.

What else? 

Other than that horrible news…my daughter and I had a great day getting our nails done and going to dinner!  I’m so thankful to be alive to see her 16th birthday!  So thankful to be alive to be with my children and my family.

Screw you bladder!

😉

Sweet 16… <3

Thursday is my daughters 16th birthday!  My “baby.”  Why is 16 such a big deal?  I guess it’s all because you can finally drive.  I believe it’s also different when a girl turns 16, as opposed to when a boy does…maybe it’s just me, but I do.  I can remember so clearly…her sitting in her favorite chair, with her oh so dirty and falling apart pink and white blankie, flipping one of the threads across her nose as she sucked on her oh so deformed thumb!  Her really bad overbite from the thumb sucking…the pad of her thumb was flat and smooth like a pebble from so much overuse!

Her first day of kindergarten…a tantrum because the seams of her socks were not hitting across her toes just to her satisfaction.  Her screaming and running from having her tangled hair brushed.  Her escaping from the bathtub and running out the backdoor butt naked through the field with me in high pursuit!  Her sitting in the backyard at the picnic table watching worms (or as she for some odd reason called them…snots) for hours on end.

Her taking her toy shopping cart and sneaking into her older brothers room at night and “shopping” while he was asleep…til he finally caught on to how some of his things were disappearing!  Having to buy her around 8 different goldfish over a 3 month span because they were dying due to excessive “petting.”  Enduring several Walmart meltdowns in the toy aisles when she couldn’t have what she wanted and her screaming ‘KIDNAPPER!!!” as I tried to drag her out of the store!  Having to put a lock on the refrigerator door due to her raiding it in the middle of the night and painting the whole house and herself with all of the contents.

Her first little school dance in sixth grade where she could dress all up and had her hair done and just looked like a little angel.  Now she is turning 16.  She is beautiful…both inside and outside.  She has a truly beautiful heart.  She is funny.  She is strong and resilient.  She has to endure some extra obstacles, but she goes through life with a light heartedness that you can’t help but admire.

Happy Sweet 16 to my little baby.  I’m so proud to have you as my daughter!  If I could’ve gone shopping to pick one, it would’ve been you.  I have been very blessed in atleast 2 occassions of my life and those were getting two of the best children ever created!

One of those days…

Have you ever had one of those days?  You know, where nothing or very little goes right?  But it’s just all dumb little things going wrong?  I had one of em today.  First of all, couldn’t sleep at all last night due to pain…so tried to sleep in today…yea right, our dogs had the barks all day, people were outside being loud…so very little shut eye was had.

All day long, I have been dropping things.  I mean almost everything I have picked up, has fallen out of my darn hand!  It was making me soooo angry!  Irrationally angry!  Went to the grocery, and dropped stuff…got stuck behind the aisle crowders.  Got in so much pain, thought I’d never make it outta the store.  Card wouldn’t work at the check out….their machine was messed up, worked on the fourth try.  Bought a bottle of wine, check out girl wasn’t old enough, had to wait forever for someone to scan it.  Get my purchases loaded into car, cart rack was like a quarter mile away!  Had to make that decision…hmmm, be a bad person and leave cart here…or be good and walk it to the rack…even though I can barely take another step….Yea, I walked it to the rack.

Went to get a haircut…got a really bad one.  She butched me.  Did I complain? No, who gives a crap.  So short now, it won’t matter what I do to it.  Come home, the house is a mess…I am exhausted…but I dusted a bit.  Took a shower…put out fresh bar of soap, since evidently it never occurs to anyone else to do so…put fresh razors out, refilled toilet paper…again, cuz no one else does.  Started a load of laundry.  Dried dishes.  Laid down…thought about Jessies party tomorrow…do I have all the food and decorations and gifts ready to go?  I think so…I still need to wrap the gifts though…maybe tomorrow before the party…too tired tonight.

Put lotion on and discovered it smells bad.  Broke a nail.  Fish tank filter won’t work.  My bra wire poked out of my bra and was stabbing me all day while shopping…forgot to add that in.  Ate a piece of pizza…now my gut is feeling totally barfy.  Pain is on hyper overdrive.  Eyeliner tip broke off and stuck to the front of my shirt, I didn’t know it and smeared it allover it.  Lucy got in my closet and chewed up the birthday table cloth for tomorrows party. 

Eh…it’s one of those days.  I am gonna lay down and hope I don’t drop my tea on me while in bed.  Look for something to watch on tv.  Have a Dove chocolate.  Hope tomorrow is a better day.

xoxo

Life is too short to be anyone but yourself.

Sshh……IT HAPPENS!

I Love this song!!!  And it is soooo true……………shhhh………………………..IT HAPPENS!!!

Missed my alarm clock ringing

Woke up telephone screaming
Boss man singin’ his same old song

Rolled in late about an hour

No cup of coffee, no shower

Walked in shame with two different shoes on

Now it’s poor me, why me, oh me borin
  
the same ol’ worn out blah blah story

there’s not good explanation for it at all

Ain’t no rhyme or reason

No complicated meaning

Ain’t no need to overthink it

Let go laughing

Life don’t go quite like ya plan it

We try so hard to understand
the Irrefutable, indisputable, fact is
  
it happens:

the irrefutable, indisputable, fact is,   
it happens

Ain’t no rhyme or reason

No complicated meaning

Ain’t no need to overthink it

Let go laughing

Life don’t go quite like ya plan it

We try so hard to understand     
the Irrefutable, indisputable, fact is

yeah the Irrefutable, indisputable, absolutable, totally futable fact is
shh it happens!!!

Tells me I should stop over-thinkin and analyzing stuff…live, love and laugh more!  Especially laugh…lol!

I’m still hurtin today…but seems a bit better than yesterday..so I will take it baby! 😀  Ok, didn’t hurt that I took a little extra pain pill either….;)

xoxox

Alone…

Been laying in bed, other than going to restroom for over two days now due to this kidney infection.  Talked to doctor offices on the phone about it.  Family doc has me on antibiotics, which I have been on one or another since last summer now.  This is the first time my kidneys have hurt like this.  The fact that I can even FEEL pain with all the opoids I take is beyond me…but my body must just love to scream out I guess.

Large View

I have an appointment with a urologist next Thursday…ONE WEEK.  If I make it that long without going to the ER, I will be so happy…but I dunno.  I do not want to go to the ER.  I do not want more damn medical bills, plus I would get there and sit out in chairs for hours, then triaged for a couple hours, left on a hard cot for hours, then there would be the whole med ordeal…whenever you are on strong pain meds, they give you “the look” and start calling docs and pharmacies to make sure you’re not a junkie…lol.

I feel like crap obviously.  Layin in bed on my heating pad constantly.  Drinking tons of water.  I got cranberry tablets, but then found out I shouldn’t overdo cranberry or cherry type juices or supplements due to my blood clotting disorder and taking bloodthinners…so, yea.  Add to the joy of me, since I do take narcotics, I am clogged up…haven’t gone in 2 weeks now…belly feels like knives are traveling around in there…all that scar tissue.  I’m taking massive quantities of Mirilax and Lactulose, with zero results so far.  Adds to the fun.

I’m feeling pretty much alone.  I have a supportive family, thank God…and some good friends…but I FEEL alone.  Thank goodness for my online friends, who also live with the same problem of pain day in and day out..they help me more than they know.  Just having a connection with someone who REALLY knows what it’s like to live life like this, helps me tolerate it a little more.  I wish they lived closer, so we could chillax together and commiserate! 😉

Every single movement brings pain in one part of my body or another.  It’s really mind boggeling if you think about it.  Move your arm…did you cringe?  Bend over…did you burst into tears?  Raise your arms to shampoo your hair… did you wince?  Take a deep breath…did you stop short in pain?  All of that and worse happens to me every time I move.  It’s a really bizarro way to live your life.

I am young.  I want to have a normal life.  I want to be physical.  I want to exercise.  To shop.  To swim.  To just BE….without all the challenges of doing it all with excruciating pain.  I hate swallowing a tub of pills everyday.  I hate the brain fog that comes with it.  I hate the negative emotions swirling in my head.  I hate hating the man that did this to me. I hate that I can not totally forgive him for making my life a living hell.

So, yea…alone.  That’s how I feel.  Even with family and friends.  I am ALONE with my pain.  MY experience with pain.  My emotional connection with the pain.  My way of dealing with the pain.  Some days I can be positive.  Some days I just can’t do it.  I can’t fake it.  I have to let it out.  I have to be grouchy and sick.  I have to be selfish and just take care of my needs for a period of time…then I can get a second wind, and be there for everyone else.  During those “down times” they just have to struggle along without my services…lol.  Sometimes I feel they would all be better off if I just was gone in some way.  I am sure it sucks to have a wife and mother who is ill.

Those of us who know pain on a real deep and personal level, are alone to a large extent…even if we were all in one room together, we each live with the pain differently.  We each feel the pain differently, emotionally and physically.  Some are stronger than others physically, some emotionally.  Some are stoic, some wear it on their sleeve…some fall in between.

Life is hard for everyone to some degree.  We all have our issues, our problems…I think maybe I “FEEL” other peoples problems more than I need to…I tend to make their problems my own in some ways.  I need to stop that, for my own preservation…stress does of course increase the bodys pain perception…stress can destroy your health.  Therefore, somedays…..being ALONE…is just what you need to be.

My prayer for today is for all my friends who are living with pain…to have some less painful days…whether alone or in a crowded house.

Thanks to all the kind readers who visit my little blog here…usually just me blatthering on about poor pitiful me…but better to put it here, then to allow it to fester in my head.

xoxoxo

Another day, Another pill….and so the saga continues:

Soo…had my monthly Pain Clinic appointment today.  Told them my belly pain is out of control again due to the neuromas and adhesions.  Thankfully they are always good about trying to help me with my pain.  They told me to stop the Percocet (which I took as needed for breakthru pain) and gave me an instant release morphine, as I am already on an extended release morphine.  Also, I told them that my elbows are getting worse and worse (even though I have not ran a vacuum or mopped or anything repetitive with them lately) and I told them I couldn’t afford more injections, so they gave me oral steroids.  They also then told me to make sure I take Prilosec or some other stomach aid because my tummy may get irritated.  Alrighty.

So, I walked away from the clinic with the hopes that perhaps the new meds will atleast dull my different areas of pain, even if a little.  Got the scripts filled.  Came home, popped them in my mouth…and waited with great hope!  The faster release morphine did indeed dull the neuroma/adhesion pain more…this pleases me!  I took the 7 prednisones (it tapers down by 1 pill each day, til gone), but my elbows don’t feel better yet…but I didn’t expect them to, I guess.

So, as I was filling up my pill box (M>T>W>TH>F>S>SU), I began to ponder once again, the effect ALL these pills are having on my body.  Especially my liver and kidneys.  It certainly can’t be good, this any idiot knows.  I began to think was it worth it?  Damaging my kidneys/liver just to get some decent days?  To be able to do something other than lay in bed?  Before the meds, that’s about all I could do.  The meds do NOT take away all or even most of my pain…not by any stretch…but they do make it just tolerable enough to have some semblance of a life.  But if you look up all the side effects and drug interractions, it is very scary.  I am very careful with my meds, and look everyone of them up and check out the interractions and all…and it does worry me.  Alot. 

Large View

I have given thought to just slowly stopping all the meds.  But the fear of that SEVERE pain I know is there, stops me cold.  There are many days … even on this plethora of meds, where I cannot move.  I can barely breathe.  I cry, or sometimes cry inwardly, because it hurts too much to cry outwardly.  I contemplate suicide.  I contemplate homicide…(of the quack that made me this way), jk…sorta, I of course would NEVER kill anyone, but boy what I wouldn’t give for that man to live with this intolerable pain for one solid month!!!  That would please me so very much.  I simply cannot conceive of stopping my meds.  I NEED them to continue to function, even if at half capacity.  Even if it takes years off my life, atleast I will have spent some years doing what I want to do, rather than being bedridden.

Therefore I won’t stop my meds.  If my kidneys and liver give out on me, then so be it.  I know some people worry about addiction to narcotics or opoids in general.  I have done extensive research on the subject, and I know if used properly, you will not be an “addict” in the generally known way…you may develop a “need” for them, and yes, you shouldn’t stop cold turkey, but if used as prescribed, you are not gonna turn into a junkie.

If most people look at all the meds I take, they would gasp in horror…but it is what it is…and for me it is my lifeline of sorts.  The only way I can be out amongst the “normals” of society…lol.  So, I thank God that I have a good pain doc that does and can prescribe these meds for people like me.  I just wish there would be something else to help the pain.  Even now, sitting here all drugged…I am hurting very, very much.  I don’t get it.  I cannot imagine what the pain has turned into, since I started the pain meds, for it to still be this intense on them.  GRRR!

This is not what “The Little Girl” dreamed her life was gonna be.  This I know.  Doctor G. C. … I hope you know what you have done to my life.  To my family’s life.  But I know you don’t give it a second thought, as you take your family vacations, go biking, walking, running, play golf, raquetball, tennis, swim, boat…carry your kids around, whatever.  You ARE living your life.  I am surviving mine.  Thanks a bunch asshole.

Tryin to keep my sanity…in an insane world.

watch this funny video about pain and hospitals:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1kuIwXaV5o