This is a public apology…to my children. Whether they have been bothered by me in the past, the present or will be in the future. I probably owe you an apology.
I’m sorry that when you were in my womb I talked to you every waking moment as if you would answer me, and read books to you and actually believed that when you did a little turn in there, it was because you were enjoying the story.
I’m sorry that when you were an infant I held you more often than not. I watched you sleep. I fretted over you if you slept too much or not enough. I made sure you were breathing if you were asleep longer than five minutes. I read every baby book ever written. I changed your clothes alot, just cuz you had so many cute outfits! I took you out just to show you off. I loved to just smell the top of your heads after a bath! I sang to you all the time.
I’m sorry that when you were a toddler I watched over you like a hawk. I safety proofed every single thing in the house, every corner, every hard surface, every cabinet, every toilet…was militant about child safety seats, and never once left you with a babysitter that wasn’t related because I was sure you would be injured in some way. I’m sorry I still read to you and sang to you. I’m sorry I hovered over you and tried to always keep you safe, clean and out of harms way. I’m sorry I would tickle your toes just to hear you squeal with laughter!
When you were a child I am sorry I made you eat food you disliked because it was good for you. I’m sorry I tried to teach you manners. I’m sorry I let all your friends stay the night whenever you wanted them too, because that kept you safe at home with me. I’m sorry I made such a fuss if you ever went to another friends house by having to meet the parents. I’m sorry I made you sit at the table practicing your spelling or math over and over so you could pass the tests. I’m sorry I sat up late at night with you trying to finish a science project you waited til the last minute to tell me about. I’m sorry I would make up a fake “ghost detector” so you would be able to sleep at night knowing there were no ghosts under your bed or in your closet. I’m sorry I waited til you got home from school everyday and asked many questions about what went on at school and what kind of day you had. I’m sorry for letting one of you eat PB & J for lunch every single day for a year, because that was all you would take to school for lunch. I’m sorry I had to wrestle one of you almost daily just to get your hair combed because you detested it so. I’m sorry for any times I was an embarrassment…such as the day I had to chase one of your school busses down the street because they forgot to drop you off….in my pajamas. I’m sorry for staying up all night when you were sick, cleaning up after your sick tummies expelled their contents allover the beds/floors/clothes/etc., fretting each moment that you would die of some plague not yet discovered by modern medicine.
I’m sorry during your teen years I made you do your homework. I’m sorry I made you pitch in with chores around the house, sometimes without an allowance, because that’s just what families do. I’m sorry I asked 1000 questions whenever you wanted to go somewhere. I’m sorry I asked more questions with each new friend you made and wanted to hang with. I’m sorry I didn’t allow you to ride in cars with other teen drivers. I’m sorry I didn’t allow you to go to parties that I feared there would be “no good” going on. I’m sorry I griped at you for leaving half full pop cans laying around everywhere or half eaten food in your rooms. I’m sorry that you didn’t always understand my rules or reasonings. I’m sorry that when you thought you were “getting away with something” I probably knew about it and just let it go….picking my battles and letting some slide. I’m sorry that I would let you tell me grandiose stories that I knew were untrue, but I let you believe I believed. I’m sorry for trying to build your self esteem and self respect. I’m sorry for trying to teach you about life and about becoming and adult. I’m sorry I didn’t force you to get jobs because I believed you should enjoy your time as a kid and that school was hard enough. I’m sorry I didn’t push you to hard academically, again…because I believed no one needs to be brow beaten to exceed at something if they don’t enjoy it. I’m sorry I tried to protect you from every conceivable danger in the world.
As adults I’m sorry if I still feel I’m a mother who needs to try to help. I’m sorry if I still think your life is part of mine. I’m sorry if I still think I can help keep you from making mistakes, I’m sorry if I am still trying to safe guard all the sharp corners of life. I’m sorry if I still try to make you giggle because I enjoy the sound so much. I’m sorry if I can’t help myself from giving my opinions on your every move. I’m sorry if I didn’t fully succeed at preparing you for the hard knocks of life. I’m sorry if I have ever hurt your feelings or your pride. I’m sorry if I have ever scared you by being ill. I’m sorry if I have made mistakes. I’m sorry if I will continue to make mistakes. I’m sorry if I will spoil your future children and try to protect them as well. I’m sorry if I someday become a burden that you won’t have time for. I’m sorry if I will someday leave you and no longer be around to annoy you in some way. I’m sorry for feeling guilt at your every misfortune in life.
I’m sorry. Because….I am a mom…and moms are usually sorry about something.
“I think a mother is the best friend God gives us. There are friend moments, and there are mother moments. Sometimes they are both at the same time” Virginia Harris