It’s been a long past couple of months. Pain levels spiraling out of control many days. Family problems suddenly coming out the wazoo. Stressing out because I feel I am not working enough to contribute to our finances because the pain keeps me from signing up for too many hours. I feel I’ve failed my family in many ways. And frankly they have failed me in some ways. That’s just life I guess. But family is all we have, so we try to work it out. But when you have a chronic illness, it’s hard to add all of that crap to your already piled up plate..
Will there ever be a day where I wake up and say “Wow! I feel pretty good today!” and hop out of bed and the sun is shining and my whole family is here, all healthy and happy and loving and honest and appreciative of each other? Where I can walk around the house without h0lding my butchered abdomen in my hands. Where I can bend over to pick up something off the floor? Where I can walk the 2 blocks to the grocery store to carry home a gallon of milk? Where my children look at me with the love and admiration they had when they were little? Where my grandmother is healthy and strong and planning on living another 10 years? Where my dog stops peeing in the house? lol…I just want some happiness. I want normalcy. I want this feeling of fatigue and failure to walk the hell out the door and never come back.
So many days I think I should just stay in bed and let life just go on without me. I evidently do no good when I’m up, so why keep participating in this rat race that is going nowhere? Why should I keep pushing myself? Why keep caring and worry about others when that care isn’t reciprocated? Why bother to do anything but take care of myself…and I can barely do that. I’m just this sick woman who has been living this illusion that me being around was helping others. That somehow they NEEDED me to be around. Now I know no one NEEDS me around. Maybe it’s good that no one needs me….but since my health disaster in 2005, me thinking that my family needed me was what saved me. It was what kept me fighting to live. It’s what forced me to keep going. Now what keeps me going? As a mom you get used to being needed and looked to for answers. Once they are gone…what are you to do? Especially when you are a sick person?
I spose it’s just another funk I’m in due to the increase in pain. And the realization that things are not always what you think they are. People won’t always stay the same or always be there for you. Sometimes you have to watch people go away. There are alot of cruel and crazy people in the world who can weasle their way into otherwise normal people and make THEM crazy as well. Crazy is contagious I think…
So here it is about 1am and I can’t sleep, although my eyes ache with fatigue. My hair is falling out again due to stress. My gutt is feeling like there are two swordsmen in there battling it out. Maybe I have caught one of the crazy bugs, who knows…but I’m feeling a bit lost here.
I don’t know what I’ve ever done to be made to live this way, to be discarded from the world…I just don’t know…but whatever it was I would like to say right now to the Universe I AM SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! PLEASE EITHER MAKE MY LIFE TOLERABLE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY….OR TAKE ME OUT OF THE GAME! I’M SICK OF THE BENCH.