Tag Archive | sorry

Tired with a dash of defeat

It’s been a long past couple of months.  Pain levels spiraling out of control many days. Family problems suddenly coming out the wazoo.  Stressing out because I feel I am not working enough to contribute to our finances because the pain keeps me from signing up for too many hours.  I feel I’ve failed my family in many ways.  And frankly they have failed me in some ways. That’s just life I guess.  But family is all we have, so we try to work it out.  But when you have a chronic illness, it’s hard to add all of that crap to your already piled up plate..

Will there ever be a day where I wake up and say “Wow! I feel pretty good today!” and hop out of bed and the sun is shining and my  whole family is here, all healthy and happy and loving and honest and appreciative of each other?  Where I can walk around the house without h0lding my butchered abdomen in my hands.  Where I can bend over to pick up something off the floor?  Where I can walk the 2 blocks to the grocery store to carry home a gallon of milk?  Where my children look at me with the love and admiration they had when they were little?  Where my grandmother is healthy and strong and planning on living another 10 years?  Where my dog stops peeing in the house? lol…I just want some happiness.  I want normalcy.  I want this feeling of fatigue and failure to walk the hell out the door and never come back.

So many days I think I should just stay in bed and let life just go on without me.  I evidently do no good when I’m up, so why keep participating in this rat race that is going nowhere?  Why should I keep pushing myself?  Why keep caring and worry about others when that care isn’t reciprocated? Why bother to do anything but take care of myself…and I can barely do that.  I’m just this sick woman who has been living this illusion that me being around was helping others.  That somehow they NEEDED me to be around.  Now I know no one NEEDS me around.  Maybe it’s good that no one needs me….but since my health disaster in 2005, me thinking that my family needed me was what saved me. It was what kept me fighting to live. It’s what forced me to keep going.  Now what keeps me going? As a mom you get used to being needed and looked to for answers. Once they are gone…what are you to do? Especially when you are a sick person? 

I spose it’s just another funk I’m in due to the increase in pain. And the realization that things are not always what you think they are.  People won’t always stay the same or always be there for you.  Sometimes you have to watch people go away. There are alot of cruel and crazy people in the world who can weasle their way into otherwise normal people and make THEM crazy as well. Crazy is contagious I think…

So here it is about 1am and I can’t sleep, although my eyes ache with fatigue.  My hair is falling out again due to stress.  My gutt is feeling like there are two swordsmen in there battling it out. Maybe I have caught one of the crazy bugs, who knows…but I’m feeling a bit lost here.

I don’t know what I’ve ever done to be made to live this way, to be discarded from the world…I just don’t know…but whatever it was I would like to say right now to the Universe I AM SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! PLEASE EITHER MAKE MY LIFE TOLERABLE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY….OR TAKE ME OUT OF THE GAME! I’M SICK OF THE BENCH.

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The box

Trapped in a box without windows

Can barely acknowledge if the wind blows

Each day grows more painful than the last

As you rehash each minute of your torturous past

Is there any happiness left to be had?

Or will the rest of your days be equally as sad?

Does anyone care?

When I need them, no one is there

They grow bored with the sorrow

Don’t want it to be part of their tomorrow

So who do you have left to confide in?

Or do you continue with the oh so fake grin?

People do love you, this is true

But they are at a loss on how to fix you

Maybe their lives would be easier and less complicated

If you were to fly away or perhaps even be cremated

Maybe your presence is really no longer needed

Perhaps they’re not happy with the way they’ve been treated.

What good are you to anyone anymore?

You’re just a body thats been ripped and tore

So just crawl deep into your box

And forget the combination to the locks

“The roots of morality are to be found in empathy”………..Martin L. Hoffman, PH.D

 

 

Public Apology:

This is a public apology…to my children.  Whether they have been bothered by me in the past, the present or will be in the future.  I probably owe you an apology.

I’m sorry that when you were in my womb I talked to you every waking moment as if you would answer me, and read books to you and actually believed that when you did a little turn in there, it was because you were enjoying the story.

I’m sorry that when you were an infant I held you more often than not.  I watched you sleep.  I fretted over you if you slept too much or not enough.  I made sure you were breathing if  you were asleep longer than five minutes.  I read every baby book ever written.  I changed your clothes alot, just cuz you had so many cute outfits!  I took you out just to show you off. I loved to just smell the top of your heads after a bath!  I sang to you all the time.

I’m sorry that when you were a toddler I watched over you like a hawk.  I safety proofed every single thing in the house, every corner, every hard surface, every cabinet, every toilet…was militant about child safety seats, and never once left you with a babysitter that wasn’t related because I was sure you would be injured in some way.  I’m sorry I still read to you and sang to you.  I’m sorry I hovered over you and tried to always keep you safe, clean and out of harms way.  I’m sorry I would tickle your toes just to hear you squeal with laughter!

When you were a child I am sorry I made you eat food you disliked because it was good for you.  I’m sorry I tried to teach you manners.  I’m sorry I let all your friends stay the night whenever you wanted them too, because that kept you safe at home with me.  I’m sorry I made such a fuss if you ever went to another friends house by having to meet the parents.  I’m sorry I made you sit at the table practicing your spelling or math over and over so you could pass the tests.  I’m sorry I sat up late at night with you trying to finish a science project you waited til the last minute to tell me about.  I’m sorry I would make up a fake “ghost detector” so you would be able to sleep at night knowing there were no ghosts under your bed or in your closet.  I’m sorry I waited til you got home from school everyday and asked many questions about what went on at school and what kind of day you had.  I’m sorry for letting one of you eat PB & J for lunch every single day for a year, because that was all you would take to school for lunch.  I’m sorry I had to wrestle one of you almost daily just to get your hair combed because you detested it so.  I’m sorry for any times I was an embarrassment…such as the day I had to chase one of your school busses down the street because they forgot to drop you off….in my pajamas.  I’m sorry for staying up all night when you were sick, cleaning up after your sick tummies expelled their contents allover the beds/floors/clothes/etc., fretting each moment that you would die of some plague not yet discovered by modern medicine.

I’m sorry during  your teen years I made you do your homework.  I’m sorry I made you pitch in with chores around the house, sometimes without an allowance, because that’s just what families do.  I’m sorry I asked 1000 questions whenever you wanted to go somewhere.  I’m sorry I asked more questions with each new friend you made and wanted to hang with.  I’m sorry I didn’t allow you to ride in cars with other teen drivers.  I’m sorry I didn’t allow you to go to parties that I feared there would be “no good” going on.  I’m sorry I griped at you for leaving half full pop cans laying around everywhere or half eaten food in your rooms.  I’m sorry that you didn’t always understand my rules or reasonings.  I’m sorry that when you thought you were “getting away with something” I probably knew about it and just let it go….picking my battles and letting some slide.  I’m sorry that I would let you tell me grandiose stories that I knew were untrue, but I let you believe I believed.  I’m sorry for trying to build your self esteem and self respect.  I’m sorry for trying to teach you about life and about becoming and adult.  I’m sorry I didn’t force you to get jobs because I believed you should enjoy your time as a kid and that school was hard enough.  I’m sorry I didn’t push you to hard academically, again…because I believed no one needs to be brow beaten to exceed at something if they don’t enjoy it.  I’m sorry I tried to protect you from every conceivable danger in the world.

As adults I’m sorry if I still feel I’m a mother who needs to try to help.  I’m sorry if I still think your life is part of mine.  I’m sorry if I still think I can help keep you from making mistakes, I’m sorry if I am still trying to safe guard all the sharp corners of life.  I’m sorry if I still try to make you giggle because I enjoy the sound so much.  I’m sorry if I can’t help myself from giving my opinions on your every move.  I’m sorry if I didn’t fully succeed at preparing you for the hard knocks of life.  I’m sorry if I have ever hurt your feelings or your pride.  I’m sorry if I have ever scared you by being ill.  I’m sorry if I have made mistakes.  I’m sorry if I will continue to make mistakes.  I’m sorry if I will spoil your future children and try to protect them as well.  I’m sorry if I someday become a burden that you won’t have time for.  I’m sorry if I will someday leave you and no longer be around to annoy you in some way.  I’m sorry for feeling guilt at your every misfortune in life.

I’m sorry.  Because….I am a mom…and moms are usually sorry about something. 

“I think a mother is the best friend God gives us.  There are friend moments, and there are mother moments.  Sometimes they are both at the same time”  Virginia Harris