Tag Archive | rut

I don’t deserve it

I don’t deserve it

But I have the grit

I can take it, I always have

I take my meds and rub on the salve

Some people have it worse

I’m not the only one with a curse

The emotional pain cuts much deeper

The edge of this cliff looking much steeper

What did I do?  What was my crime?

Whatever it was, I have served my time

Just stop torturing me

I’ve had enough, don’t you agree?

I try to think positive

The way they tell you to live

But then I breathe

And my insides seeth

The pain reminds me

That it’s very hard to find positivity

When I’m layin in bed suffering and alone

All I can envision is God on his throne

Deciding the next plight to throw my way

Maybe tomorrow He will give me a better day

A day without feeling like shit

Then again, maybe I don’t deserve it

Sorry for all the depressing posts lately.  My mind is just swimming in sadness for many reasons.  When I was younger maybe I would’ve spilled out my heart to someone else, but as you get older you run out of very many “someone’s”….My mom has enough problems and isn’t equipped to deal with mine, my grandmother is old and I wouldn’t want to dump stuff on her that she would then sit and worry over.  My kids have their own lives to a certain degree.  My husband works too much and has the day to day burden of me.  My friends are all off living their lives….so who do you go to once you’re all grown up?  You pray of course.  You read self help books.  You find online friends…you blog.  I remember when the kids were little, I would hear of “Empty Nest Syndrome” and think, “What?  They should feel happy and proud that they got their kids raised and out of the house running their own lives!”….but I am beginning to get it.  Once they are gone….what’s your job in life?  Then add to that a disability that prevents you from really working or pursuing any awesome hobbies…and you get, this.  You get a middle aged woman who has chronic pain and physical/emotional problems…who is struggling to find a purpose.  A reason to even go on.  So, that is the reason for all the depressing poems/posts…I’m trying to figure it all out…….by myself, yet with an audience.

Thanks for reading and the positive messages….much appreciated.

“Many people are in a rut, and a rut is nothing but a grave–with both ends kicked out.”………….Vance Havner

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