Have you ever had the opportunity or time to reflect on who you are? Or about who the people you think you know are? How well do we know ourselves? How well do we know others?
In my heart, if I was to describe who I was, I would say this: I’m a kind, caring, empathetic, sympathetic, honest, reliable, concerned, intelligent, organized, animal loving, book loving, information loving, family oriented homebody who is learning to live with multiple debilitating chronic illnesses that are life threatening, while trying to do anything I can to remain a decent mother, wife, daughter and granddaughter for my family. I can be short tempered when I’m having a high-pain day. I get frustrated with myself easily when I can’t do simple tasks with the ease everyone else can. I am a people pleaser and try to do things to make other people happy. I feel things rather deeply and used to think everyone did. I used to enjoy getting dressed in a cute outfit and going out once in awhile, I still love clothes and purses. I don’t have a problem with being alone, but I do feel lonely. I’m trying to find my purpose in life. I struggle everyday with feelings of being a burden to others. I worry too much. I am a bit ocd with certain aspects of cleaning or how and where things should be. I love to laugh, laughing til I cried used to be my favorite feeling and I love the color pink. That would be my view of me, that is how I would think others would describe me…but in reality, we never know how we look to others on the outside do we? Maybe someone else might describe me something like this:
A lazy, sickly, boring, nerdy, nosey, irritating, grouchy, cranky, worry wortish, neurotic, book-wormish, opinionated, snobbish, hermit, animal freak, know-it-all, anal bitch.
I don’t know. It’s like sometimes you think you think you know someone…and then they do or say things that totally make you wonder if you ever knew them? Then you begin to question your ability to really know people? You wonder if your judgement is that off? I’ve had instances where I would have a relationship with someone, whether romantic, friendly or familial, where I felt really close and connected with someone. Felt I really, really knew them. Felt I understood our feelings for each other. Only to have things come crashing in on me. Where it felt like one big sham. The person I thought I knew, turns out to be someone I didn’t know at all. Just as I’m sure people may have had similar experiences with me.
Sometimes these instances are more of a shock than others. Some people you really feel close to, like you know them or have known them your whole life. Then when they do something or say something to you or about you that hurts you, it really wrecks you deep in your soul.
It maybe just me, but I always thought that being close friends with people, meant you were in frequent contact, dropped in for coffee, sat and watched movies together, talked about things you wouldn’t discuss with others, told secrets to, stuck up for, loved and cared about, didn’t backstab or tell lies about and felt comfortable hanging out with. But sometimes it turns out that people just want these superficial type of friendships, where everything is more of a fake, let’s pretend everything is perfect, laugh and have a good time kind of relationship. Maybe they don’t want that other type of closeness for some reason, and that’s fine, I’m just saying to me…that’s what I want in close friendships. I may not even be good at it myself, it’s just my ideal.
It’s the same for me with family. The above type of relationship, but magnified even further. With family you should always feel comfortable being yourself. You should never feel you have to watch your back with family. You should always feel you can relax around family, like you can trust each other implicitly. But not all families are like that. Some are just, again…superficial. They treat each other almost like business acquaintances…it’s all nicey nice, aren’t things great type of meaningless banter.
I’ve always felt my family was tighter than most. Closer than most. Crazier than most. Even during very hard times, we are always there for each other. We see each other at our best and at our worst. We laugh, cry and yell with and at each other. But we’re real.
Again…just my ideals and thoughts. No matter how I perceive things, these perceptions can be ripped to shreds in a blink of an eye. How would one react if everything they thought they knew was in fact, nothing more than some fake experience? That the people we thought we were closest to, didn’t think of us in the same way at all?
We all are living beside each other, everyday, having the same or similar experiences with the same places, people and things…yet we all see, feel or hear it differently. We all take things in a way that suits us best. If you want to see the best in people you will, but if you’re looking to see the worst, you definitely will.
Some people make it hard to know them. They are actors thru and thru. They will say what you want to hear at the time, they will do the same with others. They will pretend to be one person with you and another with me. They will talk badly about me to you, and talk badly about you to me. They will present themselves one way today and another way tomorrow. How do you know these people? Really know them?
Humans need close relationships. We need bonding. We need to feel loved and understood. But how can you ever feel you’re understood or known, if people are themselves determining who you are, rather than truly getting to know you?
Who am I? I’m a confused and known only to a few.