Tag Archive | love

25 years ago…

baby jeremy

Twenty-five years ago you came

assured my life would never be the same

what a sweet boy you were to all

I loved you each year you grew so tall

It all happens so fast

I wish childhood would last and last

So I could hold you in my lap and hug you oh so tight

Instead you grew at the speed of light

Now that you’re grown and on your own

I have the memories that are mine alone

Memories of my sweet boys face

Blowing out his candles, these memories you can’t replace

Twenty-five years ago today

God gave me a gift and in my heart he will stay

 

 

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Betrayal

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She rolled out of the bed, shutting off the alarm. Thoughts immediately flood her mind. So many things to do today. The most important one being interviewing a young woman to fill the live in nanny position. She has been looking for a responsible nanny since her previous “super nanny” Margo, had to move to the East coast to live with her son and his family. She had been with them for 14 years, and was fabulous with her 2 children, 14 year old Sophie and 12 year old Stephen. Margo kept the house in order, made an occassional meal and helped with the kids homework when she was running late at the office.

Being a doctor is a wonderful profession, and has wonderful perks…but the hours can certainly take over your life…it certainly took over her marriage. The divorce was two years ago, but the pain still feels fresh. It was true that becoming a doctor and creating a thriving practice took up alot of her time. She worked hard to get here. Being a physician was her goal since second grade, when she had her tonsils removed. She was fascinated with her doctor and all his instruments! The blood-pressure cuff (sphygmomanometer), stethoscope, laryngoscope, otoscope and even just a simple thermometer…it all held so much wonder to her, even at the age of eight.

Her parents were strict. They were “pushers” pushing her to do this after school activity and that activity…pushing her to take AP classes…pushing her to eat right and exercise…pushing her to only socialize when necessary and only with the “appropriate” friends. So, it goes without saying, her teen years and college years, were all very academic oriented, with very few exciting events. Her life-long friend Brandy calls her whole life “Vanilla.” That pretty much explains it. Boring vanilla. But, in reality…living a vanilla life suited her. She wasn’t a risk-taker, she loves to learn, loves to read and research, loves to sit at home and cuddle on the couch with her family. Who needs sprinkles anyway?

At 5′ 1″ and 100 lbs, she is what the fashion industry has pegged as petite. Shoulder length blond hair and deep blue eyes and, as her friend Brandy says, “A complexion to kill for!” would pretty much complete her description. She was always described as a determined fighter by her mother. Sometimes more determined than was good perhaps. Once she set her mind on something, there was no stopping her.

When she first saw Scott…her determination definitely kicked in. She first laid eyes on him in the medical library of Vanderbilt teaching hospital here in Nashville. They were both in their first year of residency. He was tall, at 6’2″ he towered  over her. He had dark brown hair and big brown eyes…those eyes…they are what drew her to him. He could flirt with the best of them, she was not exactly shy, but having led her “vanilla” type lifestyle, she wasn’t a big flirt by any means. He came over to her table there in the library that day. Struck up a conversation about hematology, referencing a book she had laid out on the table about a blood-clotting disease called Antiphospholipid Syndrome. They talked for quite awhile about that particular disease and others before he paused and asked if she would like to go for coffee. She hated coffee. But…some icky flavored brown water was NOT going to keep her from continuing some conversation with this competely perfect man!

Perfect. Yea…not so much. Here she is 16 years later…the last five of which she knew Scott was having an affair. At first she couldn’t believe it. Scott would never do that to her or their family! But, the signs were there. She asked him one night after dinner, as Margo was putting the kids to bed, if he was seeing someone. He laughed at her and told her she was crazy. She dropped it, but after another call from him saying he was having another “late night” at the office, she couldn’t repress her instincts anymore. She became the woman she swore she never would. She started snooping on her husband. She would go thru his pockets, check his calendar, check his phone, but it was checking his computer that confirmed her suspicions. She clicked on a folder entitled “L” and there on the screen was a picture that caused her heart to jump right into her throat! It was Lisa. Scotts old girlfriend. She was a model, and the picture before her made that all too clear. But this was more than just beyond some “headshot” this was a fullly nude Lisa…and there were many of them. She stood staring, mouth agape. Her heart was beating so hard she could barely breathe. Her head was swimming. Why? Why does he have these photos of Lisa? They hadn’t seen each other in 15 years…or had they?

She began running the past few years in her head…was he having an affair with Lisa? Or just fantasizing…how recent are these pictures of her? Her head was spinning. Anyone but her! She had always felt insecure when it came to Lisa. She was this perfect looking woman, never had children so nothing was stretched out of shape on her! She was not the smartest woman, that’s for certain…why? She continued checking out Scotts computer for anymore evidence…THERE. There it was. Messages. Lots of them. He and Lisa have been conversing. He’s too stupid to delete his history. She read thru their messages quickly…they were having a full blown relationship. Worse…they discussed her and the children! That devastated her. To find out that Scott was with Lisa. He always said she meant nothing to him. She was just a “bimbo” he said.  He said the two years he spent with her, were the most miserable of his life…that she was vindictive and immature. But, evidently vindictive, immature bimbos were more his type. She confronted Scott with what she had found. He blamed her, blamed her long hours, said she was too boring for him….she was devastated. She went to confide what was happening to Brandy. She had trusted Brandy. But as she was explaining it all to her, Brandy dropped a bombshell. Scott was seeing many women, including her! She said it was a one time thing…but one time is all it takes in these matters, isn’t it?

She couldn’t believe that Brandy could betray her like this! She had been her best friend for as long as she could remember! How could Scott? How could Brandy? She had done so much for Brandy over the years! She had let her live with her rent free, she bought her and her daughter clothing and other items over the years, they came over every weekend to watch movies and have dinner or play boardgames…the betrayal by Brandy stung more than he one by Scott.

The anger has eaten at her since she had found out. She proceeded with the divorce and stopped communicating with Brandy. Brandy begged for her forgiveness, blamed it on alcohol and one night of weakness. The excuses weren’t gonna cut it. From either of them. During that time, she found out about so many lies. Lies by Scott, lies by Brandy. Brandy always talked so poorly of her family. She called them white trash. She claimed her mother was a drug addict/alcoholic. She said she may as well been raised by a pack of wolves. She claimed to have no-one in her life that cared about her. She made her feel so sorry for her and her baby girl. But, after finding out about all the lies, she then wondered if all those stories were also lies. She wondered what lies Brandy told her family about her?

How can people do those things to each other? She struggled with that question that past couple years. But she has decided now to make a fresh start. To not dwell on the betrayals by those closest to her. She focused on her children and her career. And she is happy. She recently met a man at work. They had been to coffee, she had developed quite a taste for it by now, and she enjoyed his company. The future was looking up.

The interview went well. She hired the new nanny. She let go of all the resentment and anger and mistrust that had accumulated over the years. But, she wonders…everytime a person is treated like she was, lied to and betrayed…how does one ever fully trust again? If the ones who profess to love you the most can treat you so badly…what can we expect from those who don’t know us at all? Or do people just have their own versions of the truth and feel they are doing nothing wrong when they lie to you? How do they live with themselves when they are scheming and making up lies? Do they have a conscience? She hopes to never have to feel that way again. She prays her children never know what it feels like to be betrayed by someone they love…but she knows that prayer will likely not get answered. It’s inevitable.

 

 

 

Again…just a flow & type story. Just practicing…thanks for reading!

Who are you?

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Have you ever had the opportunity or time to reflect on who you are? Or about who the people you think you know are? How well do we know ourselves? How well do we know others?

In my heart, if I was to describe who I was, I would say this: I’m a kind, caring, empathetic, sympathetic, honest, reliable, concerned, intelligent, organized, animal loving, book loving, information loving, family oriented homebody who is learning to live with multiple debilitating chronic illnesses that are life threatening, while trying to do anything I can to remain a decent mother, wife, daughter and granddaughter for my family. I can be short tempered when I’m having a high-pain day. I get frustrated with myself easily when I can’t do simple tasks with the ease everyone else can. I am a people pleaser and try to do things to make other people happy. I feel things rather deeply and used to think everyone did. I used to enjoy getting dressed in a cute outfit and going out once in awhile, I still love clothes and purses. I don’t have a problem with being alone, but I do feel lonely. I’m trying to find my purpose in life. I struggle everyday with feelings of being a burden to others. I worry too much. I am a bit ocd with certain aspects of cleaning or how and where things should be. I love to laugh, laughing til I cried used to be my favorite feeling and I love the color pink.  That would be my view of me, that is how I would think others would describe me…but in reality, we never know how we look to others on the outside do we? Maybe someone else might describe me something like this:

A lazy, sickly, boring, nerdy, nosey, irritating, grouchy, cranky, worry wortish, neurotic, book-wormish, opinionated, snobbish, hermit, animal freak, know-it-all, anal bitch.

I don’t know. It’s like sometimes you think you think you know someone…and then they do or say things that totally make you wonder if you ever knew them? Then you begin to question your ability to really know people? You wonder if your judgement is that off? I’ve had instances where I would have a relationship with someone, whether romantic, friendly or familial, where I felt really close and connected with someone. Felt I really, really knew them. Felt I understood our feelings for each other. Only to have things come crashing in on me. Where it felt like one big sham. The person I thought I knew, turns out to be someone I didn’t know at all. Just as I’m sure people may have had similar experiences with me.

Sometimes these instances are more of a shock than others. Some people you really feel close to, like you know them or have known them your whole life. Then when they do something or say something to you or about you that hurts you, it really wrecks you deep in your soul.

It maybe just me, but I always thought that being close friends with people, meant you were in frequent contact, dropped in for coffee, sat and watched movies together, talked about things you wouldn’t discuss with others, told secrets to, stuck up for, loved and cared about, didn’t backstab or tell lies about and felt comfortable hanging out with. But sometimes it turns out that people just want these superficial type of friendships, where everything is more of a fake, let’s pretend everything is perfect, laugh and have a good time kind of relationship. Maybe they don’t want that other type of closeness for some reason, and that’s fine, I’m just saying to me…that’s what I want in close friendships. I may not even be good at it myself, it’s just my ideal.

It’s the same for me with family. The above type of relationship, but magnified even further. With family you should always feel comfortable being yourself. You should never feel you have to watch your back with family. You should always feel you can relax around family, like you can trust each other implicitly. But not all families are like that. Some are just, again…superficial. They treat each other almost like business acquaintances…it’s all nicey nice, aren’t things great type of meaningless banter.

I’ve always felt my family was tighter than most. Closer than most. Crazier than most. Even during very hard times, we are always there for each other. We see each other at our best and at our worst. We laugh, cry and yell with and at each other. But we’re real.

Again…just my ideals and thoughts. No matter how I perceive things, these perceptions can be ripped to shreds in a blink of an eye. How would one react if everything they thought they knew was in fact, nothing more than some fake experience? That the people we thought we were closest to, didn’t think of us in the same way at all?

We all are living beside each other, everyday, having the same or similar experiences with the same places, people and things…yet we all see, feel or hear it differently. We all take things in a way that suits us best. If you want to see the best in people you will, but if you’re looking to see the worst, you definitely will.

Some people make it hard to know them. They are actors thru and thru. They will say what you want to hear at the time, they will do the same with others. They will pretend to be one person with you and another with me. They will talk badly about me to you, and talk badly about you to me. They will present themselves one way today and another way tomorrow. How do you know these people? Really know them?

Humans need close relationships. We need bonding. We need to feel loved and understood. But how can you ever feel you’re understood or known, if people are themselves determining who you are, rather than truly getting to know you?

Who am I? I’m a confused and known only to a few.

 

 

Worry…

lettinggotobefreeI am a worrier. I was born to a worrier, as was my mother and her mother. I’ve always liked the saying that worrying is like a rocking chair…it will keep you busy but get you nowhere.

I worry about my kids every minute of every day…I worry about my family, my husband, my pets, my home, myself…my mind never quits.

I worry I won’t live long enough to get my family situated…but I also worry that my existence keeps them from getting there. Somedays I beg the Lord to let me live and other days I beg him to call me home.

Serious and continuous pain screws with your mind for sure. I want to live so badly, to watch my family grow…to be here to support them and guide them…I pray constantly to be able to be a wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter…a person. Today has been a day where I dont know what to pray for.

Why does the pain have to fight to get past the 10 scale? Isn’t it enough to stay a steady 5 or 6? Why must it have moments where it rips right thru my soul? Makes me hate everything? I don’t like ME when the pain goes off the charts… I keep to myself so as not to bite anyones head off, if I can. I live in fear that all my days will be full of this increasing pain, yet I think I would prefer it to death, or would I? I’m sure the constant worry about others and myself just increases my minds perception of the pain.

Worrying is really such a wasted energy. The people you’re worrying about don’t benefit from it. The worrier doesn’t benefit from it. It won’t stop any catastrophe from occurring. So why is it such a strong urge in some people? For me, it’s out of such intense love and caring for my family. I always feel if I could worry in advance I could somehow stop something bad from happening…as insane as that is. It’s out of some crazy thought that if I worry about them, I can keep them from being hurt or disappointed or…something.

But in reality, worrying doesn’t help them and it doesn’t help me. Worry and stress can literally kill a person…lowers the immunity…drives you slowly insane. In my opinion worry is tied to intense love for the people you worry about. Also, being chronically ill gives a person more time to sit and fret over things. I guess I’m too sensitive, I feel too intensely…love and care too deep. It feeds the worry monster.

There is one worry, that just this week I’ve come to feel I can stop. I always worried about being here for my family…to raise them and guide them thru life. I no longer feel they need me here to do that. They are grown and manage okay on their own. So it’s a prayer God granted me…keeping me here long enough to get my kids grown. I am grateful for that. I wish worrying had an on/off switch. But, it doesn’t, so us worriers just have to try to focus that energy elsewhere.

I envy the laid back people in the world. The ones who don’t worry. Who just let things go as they may. Leave it all up to the universe. The old saying “Ignorance is bliss” really has to be true. The happiest people seem to be the ones who don’t worry, who have few responsibilities, who don’t try to look into the future and stop some possible calamity.

So, tonite I think I will pray for ignorance. Ignorance to all the bad things that can happen in the world or to the people I love. Until that prayer is answered, I’m afraid I will keep….Worrying….about trying NOT to worry!

We teach people how to treat us…

It’s a well known phrase, “We teach others how to treat us.” So very true. If you allow others to treat you like you don’t matter, then of course they wll. We have to try to make sure we convey to people that we are worthy of respect. That we are valuable people. The very first time someone, whether a boyfriend, friend, girlfriend or family member treats you like you are “less than”, and you let it slide…well then it becomes easier and easier for them to do it and not feel bad about it.

I think sometimes we get “used” to being treated like we are not important. Maybe it starts with something as simple as not being thanked for something you did for someone, you let it go, and then the next time you do something nice for that person, they don’t feel a need to thank you…maybe they begin to expect it. Or maybe its allowing someone to call you stupid or dumb or ugly…even in jest, well it again becomes easier for them to do it in the future.

This is especially prevalent with young women. They tend to have self esteem issues sometimes, even when raised to try to prevent that, as women I think it is just a part of growing up in todays society. We start dating and are so happy to have a boyfriend, who at first treats us like we are the only girl on the planet…then slowly they begin to let little things slide…they don’t compliment us as often, they don’t take us out as often or buy us little things anymore. Date night becomes laying around the house in sweats watching tv. Sometimes it is even worse, we allow them to literally become verbally or even physically abusive.

This doesn’t happen to “uneducated” women. It can happen to very intelligent women. It happened to me. I have been in a very abusive relationship IN THE PAST, where he started out like Prince Charming and ended up like a very frightening monster. The evil look would appear in his eyes and I would literally be afraid for my life. But then he would apologize and act “nice” for awhile…then it would happen again and again and again.

Why would I allow someone to treat me that way? Why would I put up with it? I wasn’t ugly or stupid or needy…but I let it happen. Now I would never allow it. I’m stronger and have learned how to NOT be treated like some shabby old shoe. We become used to what we are used to.

I hope and pray that I have taught my kids and others how to expect to be treated well by others and to treat others well. I look around and see the way humans sometime treat other humans, and it really astonishes me. Don’t we all have feelings? Don’t we feel others pain? Or even just treating someone like they don’t exist..would we like that?

When we love people, we treat them like they are loved. No one is perfect and we all have bad days where we are bitchy or snarky…but when it becomes the norm to treat someone badly, then there is a problem, and one would hope the person being treated badly would note it and do something about it…but sometimes its such a slow process we don’t even realize it’s happening.

I just hope that everyone, young women, men, old women and men…make sure we do not allow others to treat us like we either don’t matter to them or that its okay to hurt us, in any way.

Let’s all just treat each other with some respect…what a concept.

A SON

The nurse lays him on your chest

There were others born that day, but you know he is the best

Now you’re officially a mommy

You’re in charge of this boy, the next 18 years will be like a tsunami

Can you do it? Can you raise him right?

You wonder this each and every night

You love him so much you can think of nothing else on the planet

You vow to protect him and guide him and to be his wall of granite

The years pass by and you watch him grow

Are you doing it right? You just don’t know

You worry and fuss over his every move

You’re a good mom, this much you’ll prove

He’s grown from dinosaurs to girls

Right before your eyes like a tilta-whirls

Where’s that seet little boy who would sneak toads into his room?

How is it he is already of age to be a groom?

You still fuss over his life

You will, even after he takes a wife

He is your son and you are his mother

This is a bond, like no other

Being a parent is tough

Did you do it right?

You did, because you loved him enough

And a mother and son is a beautiful sight

Happy…

😀

Happy!

I felt happy

Does that sound sappy?

Being hugged by a small child

Makes my ills seem quite mild

They are so sweet and innocent

They see the world as magnificent

When they look at you with eyes so trusting

How can you feel anything but loving?

Small children and puppies make life seem so grand!

Their unconditional love makes me feel like I’ve gone to Disneyland!

Puppy kisses and childrens hugs

Are so much better than any drugs

Add to them a few good books and a cherry limeade

And I may just feel I’ve got it made!

It really doesn’t take much to be happy

And I really don’t care if that sounds sappy!

There we have it, another original Tammy poem….maybe I could be the next Dr. Seuss??? Yea, right. lol….nah, but it’s fun to do, so I have no plans to stop.

Pain levels have been going steadily upward as of late.  Not much I can do about it.  Just rest when I can and bite the bullet and do what needs done when it needs done.  Living with chronic pain is a pain.  Especially when your disability is invisible.  Because as I have said before, if people don’t actually SEE something wrong with you…they have a hard time believing you’re suffering.

I keep trying to live as a “normal” and somedays I do just fine. Then there are days as of late where my acting abilities fall short, and I start biting off peoples heads and fall into bed and burst into tears.  Ya spend alot of time feeling misunderstood when you have a chronic illness.  Your brain is screaming “Why don’t they understand?  Can’t they see I’m in so much pain it’s crippling? Why can’t they get it?” But it’s not really their fault.  They don’t get it, because they aren’t living it.  Although, if they are close family or friends, the do have to live with it to a degree.  They must see you when you’re suffering, they must deal with your moods, they must feel helpless because they can’t help you.  They must feel that way, because I know that’s how I feel when someone I love is ill or hurt.  I feel helpless that I can’t help them, that I can’t make the hurt go away.

So, although I’m in pain today….even worse than yesterday…I am going to ignore that demon and I am going to do what needs to be done.  And I’m going to keep the feeling of that little three year old boys hug and the slurpy smooches of my baby Daisy Duke in mind, and make it a happy day!

I have fallen into a funk as of late, but starting today, once again, I am crawling out of that hole and living with a more positive attitude!  I’m sure I will trip and fall again into that hole, but I will ALWAYS crawl out of it and start over! 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week!  Choose to be happy!  Choose to be positive!  Smile!  Play with a puppy!  Hug a child!  Watch the sunrise/sunset!  Read a great book!  Do what makes you feel like you’re living!

 

big baby hugs!!!!

“There is no such thing as the pursuit of happiness, but there is the discovery of joy”….Joyce Grenfell