Tag Archive | live

Where am I?

 

Who snuck in at somepoint in the middle of the night and took my body? This taped together hunk a meat cannot possibly be the body that
God intended me to go thru life with? Am I being punked? Is that cute Ashton Kutcher gonna pop out and say “Noo! We have your young healthy body waiting for you in our shop! It’s been revamped and will get you thru the next 40 years without any illness or pain whatsoever!

 

I would be able to run thru the woods again! Ride a bike on the trails. Hike a bit in Tennessee. Get down on the floors with the kids and get back up without grunting like a stuck pig. I could bendover and pick up something I’ve dropped and put it where it belongs without going down and not being able to straighten up.  I could pull the sheets and heavy towels out of the washer by myself.  I could run the vacuum allover the house, without my gut dropping so far forward I can’t move. I could go to the Y and swim and walk their track…take a yoga class! OMG, that all sounds amazing! I have a friend who wants to take me to the Y as a guest…I’m gonna go. I’m gonna try water exercises…if it all works out, and I feel comfy I will start my own membership…

This body is giving up. Little by little, organ by organ, it’s just throwin in the towel…and it’s up to me to stop this giving up. I gotta keep moving or I’m gonna be bedridden…those are my choices. I’m not giving up. I’m gonna force this body to move more, even when the pain is eating me alive. I don’t have to overdo. I’m not gonna be a weekend warrior. Just some easy does it exercises. Maybe meet new people.

There’s gotta be more to life then this. If this is it…then fine. I can deal with it, but I need to know that I cant improve anymore…that I have nothing to accomplish or to offer the world. Because I believe I do. Not sure what yet…but I’m here to do something! I feel it! I have a purpose! I need to get something done.  I know I’m passionate about animals and children and reading and writing. Maybe there is something there that I can incorporate those passions into something meaningful?

I used to love volunteering, but even that became too much for this body. But I know there’s something I can do. I feel it. Now I just gotta find it.  I’m thinking I need to let new people into my world. I keep my core peeps close and rarely make new friends. Maybe I need to do that…maybe a new friend will have a fresh perspective on my situation, or a need that I can fill.

I also found a “church” type get together at a local coffee shop…its come as you are, no matter your beliefs, it’s laid back, it has changing topics that get covered during the hour long visit. The one I’m gonna check out is on stress and illness.  And I’m truly hoping I can get this body to go to the Y on a routine basis….get in that pool and help out these joints and muscles…even bouey my big ole hernia belly! Water relaxes me so much. Maybe I can even work up to walking the track, slowly of course. I’m not gonna be there to impress anyone of course…but just to help this ole body get some of its oomph back. I used to be a good runner and swimmer! I was a great softball player…had a great arm! I was competitive in gymnastics and other things. I lost all that after I turned about 18 I guess.

This pain monster has swallowed me up. I haven’t been here since November 2005. I’ve been a shell. A sad and hurting shell. Well I’m trying to come back out as me. It may take me awhile to get my bearings, but this pain…isn’t taking me down. I say “FINE pain! YOU go ahead and give it all you got!” cuz ya know what? “Ive taken your bullshit for five long years, pain that is just indescribable! The humiliation of having to push my belly against the counter or a door to blow my nose, holding in my belly if I laugh or cough, being afraid of food, not going out, worrying about dieing and yet thinking it would be easier. I’m tired of making plans in advance then having to cancel cuz the pain man won’t let me get out of bed that day. I’m tired of being in the middle of the store with a cart full of groceries and freezing because my belly hurts so bad I can’t breathe or walk…so I stand, sit if there’s a chair…but I freeze and shallow breathe til it passes somewhat then I head for the register, sweating perfusely by this time from trying to deny the fact that I’m in enough pain to pass out right there in the store on the cold hard floor.

I’m tired of smiling and saying fine to everyones “How are you today”….they don’t want to hear more…so fine is my only line.]

I’m going on 44…but in my head I’m still 29 ish. My mind feels pretty sharp most days…with the occassional fibro fog or med fog. But I know thee is something I have to give to this world…I know it. Some may find it silly, and I undertand. But I’ve gotta work thru this.The pain is here whether I’m in this bed crying or out in the mall shopping. Yes, it hurts much more…but if I give up then IT wins. I’m getting my competive spirit back…and I don’t like to lose…so go ahead Mr. Pain…get your shit ready…cuz I’m sure as hell gettin goin on my resurrection back into the world.

I will still have down days, of course. But even when I’m down…I’m gonna be thinking and planning on what I can do the moment I’m able to sit up or stand up. Maybe it’s just writing..I have a few real life journals going, as well as this blog. Having conversations with people who inspire me and have been published. Meeting new people in the cyberworld who are more like me than I would’ve ever believed! I’m certainly not alone.

So, I guess I”M RIGHT HERE! Right where I’m supposed to be. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do…with much more to come. I used to be more athletic…competitive…I can’t throw in the towel just yet. I got more to offer for this game.

I care.

All I ever did was care

Even when you didn’t know I was there

My heart breaks with each mistake

As I watch the road you choose to take

You think I’m clueless

As I grow old and useless

But I’ve much wisdom to give

That will go unused while you live

I know of what I speak

Even as I become left out and weak

I’ve walked the road you’re on

But that path of mine is long gone

How do I stop the worry?

As you live your lives in a flurry?

Do I love too much?

To stop is just too tough

It would truly be easier not to care as much

Then my heart wouldn’t be crushed to mush

Why do I pull out my hair?

Because all I do is care

ONe more….these come to me in just a few minutes…so I know they are very amateurish….but I like it….it feels good to get it out of my head…I have discovered I quite enjoy rhyming…lol…wish you could get rich just by writing out these little quips in a few minutes like this…that would be super duper cool! Have a great weekend everyone! xoxo Be safe….cuz ya know….I WORRY! 😉

Sshh……IT HAPPENS!

I Love this song!!!  And it is soooo true……………shhhh………………………..IT HAPPENS!!!

Missed my alarm clock ringing

Woke up telephone screaming
Boss man singin’ his same old song

Rolled in late about an hour

No cup of coffee, no shower

Walked in shame with two different shoes on

Now it’s poor me, why me, oh me borin
  
the same ol’ worn out blah blah story

there’s not good explanation for it at all

Ain’t no rhyme or reason

No complicated meaning

Ain’t no need to overthink it

Let go laughing

Life don’t go quite like ya plan it

We try so hard to understand
the Irrefutable, indisputable, fact is
  
it happens:

the irrefutable, indisputable, fact is,   
it happens

Ain’t no rhyme or reason

No complicated meaning

Ain’t no need to overthink it

Let go laughing

Life don’t go quite like ya plan it

We try so hard to understand     
the Irrefutable, indisputable, fact is

yeah the Irrefutable, indisputable, absolutable, totally futable fact is
shh it happens!!!

Tells me I should stop over-thinkin and analyzing stuff…live, love and laugh more!  Especially laugh…lol!

I’m still hurtin today…but seems a bit better than yesterday..so I will take it baby! 😀  Ok, didn’t hurt that I took a little extra pain pill either….;)

xoxox