Tag Archive | ill

Shorty….

So I haven’t blogged in awhile.  A few reasons, was planning and having a blast for my daughters 16th birthday….got my first manicure/acrylic nails and am having a really hard time typing with them…and I am sick as hell.  I am having bladder/kidney issues, not sure whats causing it…am on antibiotics…AGAIN…and am now having to catheterize myself three times per day and I HATE it.  It hurts, and it’s inconvenient…and it’s not making my bladder or kidney pain go away yet…but it’s only been a little over  week or so.  I am so fatigued and my eyeballs ache like the flu…but it is not the flu.  No fever though.  Yet I do feel as if I am dieing a slow agonizing death.

I also set up my secondhand fish tank.  It looks nice…after I had to buy all kinds of stuff for it!  LOL….keeping fish is not a totally inexpensive hobby!  But, now that it’s all set up, I am hoping I don’t have to spend alot more, other than the obvious stuff.  My little Daisy loves to sit on my bed and stare at the fish..barks at them too…it is adorable.  I just love the water sound and the graceful way the fish swim around…very calming.

So, I am hoping everyone out there in cyberspace will pray for my newest illness to back the hell off, cuz I am at the end of my rope here.  I have fears that it may actually be a serious matter…but am praying not.

Thank you for reading!

Look at everything in life as if it’s the first or the last time you will see it.

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blah, blah, blah…KIDNEY FAILURE!

So….been tryin this whole, let’s jam a tube up my pee hole for a few days now.  Thought I was getting pretty good at it yesterday..but am feeling ill today.  Just that sick, malaise, icky…my bladder hurts..it burns…I can literally barely get urine to come out on its own…and not that much with the cath eithr.  There are also tiny blood clots too.  I a m officially scared now.  My kidneys may be failing.  I am also nauseated.  I am on Bactrim DS…you would think that would’ve helped.  Nothing goes right.  Not one damn thing.  Well, anothr life lesson learned…don’t take pooping or peeing for granted…cuz when you can’t do it…ITS A BIG FREAKIN DEAL!

Gettin really hard to stay tough.  Really hard.

Too old for pink polish?

Ok…I’m having one of those “Everything hurts and I’m emotional” days.  So, I wake up this morning, as soon as I moved I had to blink back tears.  I have tendon problems in both elbows from taking Levaquin last Summer for a UTI…it’s a side effect that alot of people don’t know about…it can cause tendon rupture…usually in the tendon on the back of your heel, but can occur in any tendon.  So, lucky me…it got my elbows!  Now, the incredible thing is, there isn’t much they can do about it!  I have had cortisone injections in them and taking oral steroids and worn braces, but nothing helps.  The pain is honestly excruciating!  I stopped complaining to the docs, because it seemed nothing could be done, other than surgery and they can forget that crap!

Anyway…back to the start of my day…so, as soon as I moved my arms I was about to cry due to the pain…but I sucked it up as usual…laid there and tried to slowly stretch all my limbs to loosen up.  Rolled over on my side to try to get my pain gripped body out of bed and of course the pain in my abdomen nearly caused me to drop to the floor when I stupidly tried to pull myself up to a sitting position, and the adhesions/scar tissue/neuromas in my belly screamed out LOUDLY.

I sit on the edge of the bed for a few minutes, my mouth is dryer than any desert (side effect of meds I assume), I take a drink of water, grab my pill box and start pulling out the morning meds, now this should be a smooth process, but is it?  No.  I have a “pouch” on my esophogus that little pills like to get caught in…so, I generally try to remember to take the little ones first so the bigger ones can catch them and push the little ones down…cuz if I don’t…they get caught and it turns into a big choking/retching episode that is not pleasant.  Well I was lost in pain and took the big ones first and of course one of the little ones got caught in the pouch!  Luckily I have learned to keep crackers in my nightstand to hurry and eat to push the damn pills down, so this is what I did.

So, at this point I have been up for about 10 minutes and already NOTHING has gone right for me.  I stand up, thinking “Does everyone feel this shitty in the morning?” I walk hunched over as I always must in the morning, cuz my abdomen hurts the most then I guess cause I move in ways I shouldn’t in my sleep…or because I’ve gone all night without pain meds…not a pretty look.  I get to the bathroom and I KNOW I still have that damn UTI…there is evidence…it makes me mad cause now I gotta call the doc and go in there and get more antibiotics or she is gonna make me go to a urologist or some dumb crap…more medical bills I don’t need.  Then I grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth, which are also a constant source of pain even after putting $7,000 in them a couple years ago…I cannot wait for them all to rot to the point some dentist will pull them and give me dentures!  I haven’t been able to chew on my right side for 3 years!  And I have an extreme phobia of the dentist, so that doesn’t help matters.

So, I get my cup of coffee…grab a piece of toast so there is something in my tummy for the meds.  My husband comes in with a gardening magazine and is showing me different flowers and plants he wants for the yard…I give my opinions and we have small talk.  I just happen to say “Honey, look at my fingernail polish!  Isn’t it pretty?”  Hoping for a “Yea, it is!” But instead, what I got was a weird look and a “That color polish is for a younger woman or girl! You’re too old for it.”  I was stunned….hurt….and PISSED!  WTF?  Too old for a bright pink polish?  How do you come to that conclusion?  And why would you say such a thing to your wife, who obviously liked the polish?

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It really was stupid, I know, but it hurt my feelings, and I went into immediate “Cold shoulder mode”….He just couldn’t understand why I got upset.  This is a man, who as I have stated in previous blogs is a saint for all he has had to do for me since the doctor butchered me in 2005/2006.  But…this is also the man  who rarely if ever gives me any kind of compliment.  In fact on our honeymoon he told me he didn’t ever want me to feel or think I was pretty.  Well, mission accomplished buddy.

So, then since my day was going so damn well, I went into my “Screw you, I am going to clean everything in this house and hope I die in the process!”  Insane?  Yep.  When I get mad, I clean.  My house is clean all the time anyway for the most part. So first I started dusting, then doing the windows then I got on the treadmill for about 15 minutes.  Pain?  Oh you betcha!  Pain that would put most people to the point of passing out.  The pain said, “You better sit the hell down, or I will sit your ass down!”  I sat down.  The tears started.  I got mad because I was crying.  I got mad because it hurts my abdomen to cry and to blow my nose.  I got mad that the doctor did this to me.  I got mad that I am getting older.  I got mad that my elbows hurt so bad I can’t lift a water bottle without major pain.  I got mad that I have to take a half cup of pills every day just to get by.  I got mad that I saw dirt on the floor that I can’t bend over to clean up properly.  I got mad that we are living in this house that I hate.  I got mad that on top of my chronic pain and chronic diseases, I also have to keep getting these damn urinary infections.  I got mad that I am heavier than I should be because I can’t exercise enought to lose weight, because of the pain.  I got mad that my husband insulted my PINK FINGERNAIL POLISH!

I then asked my daughter and her friend to run the sweeper, and to please change the sheets on my bed (it hurts me to push the sweeper and making my king size bed is also alot of bending and pulling that hurts too much), so they got that stuff done for me.  I gave my baby Daisy a bath, which she hates, but she smelled like she’d been rolling in dead bodies.  I took extra pain medication…took a shower and then laid down and prayed.  Prayed for the pain to subside…just a little.  My innerds felt on fire.  Like Freddy Kruger was in there sharpening his blades.  My elbows were throbbing.  I wanted to cry HARD.  Really let it out.  But I couldn’t, it would just cause more pain. 

Now it’s 11pm.  I’m laying here watching tv…sort of…and blogging.  My husband will be home from work soon.  Am I still gonna be giving him the cold shoulder?  Probably not.  He doesn’t get it anyway.  The fact that this new pink polish made me feel “pretty”, it made me happy.  Even though I am in pain and very ill…I still make an effort to look decent.  I put on makeup, do my hair, dress nice, wear jewelery, perfume, etc.  Some days I feel like “why bother?  you are a 43 y/o chronically ill, fat married ugly woman!”  But usually I DO make an effort.  I like to feel like “A Woman”…to feel pretty (even if clearly I fail)…Once in awhile I get a “look” from some stranger (male) and have been hit on here and there…go figure…but secretly inside, it makes me feel good!  Someone actually finds me attractive!  Wow!  But my husband doesn’t seem to…I know he loves me…there’s no doubt…but why he finds it so difficult to make me feel like a desirable woman, is beyond me. 

Anyway…here is my conclusion.  IF WEARING BRIGHT PINK POLISH MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY AND PRETTY, THEN DAMMIT I AM GOING TO WEAR IT!!!

So tonight, I put on a 3rd coat of it!  And I put it on my toenails too!  So there!

“Truly, it is allowed to weep.  By weeping, we disperse our wrath; and tears go through the heart even like a stream.” Ovid

Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to read my blog.  I appreciate all of you.

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Helpless

Recently I had the honor of taking care of a patient.  This person had a stroke, but this blog could relate to any0ne who has ever been seriously ill.  As you probably already know from my first blog, I have been and still am to a degree, seriously ill.  While caring for people who are sick now, once in awhile a memory will come to me.  This is the reason for this particular entry.

As a person who is laying in a hospital bed, with no good ability to communicate your every need, you are indeed helpless.  You are laying there, like an innocent little baby, hoping that the people around you will take care of you, and do it with empathy.  I truly remember being in that position.  One particular memory of it,  I was lying there in the hospital bed, ventilated, too weak to write or signal my needs, so horribly ill.  My abdomen was open…trying to let the insides heal…I had a catheter in for my urine, but was incontinent of “the other”…now of course I wasn’t eating, but was receiving tube feedings…so, “what goes in, must come out”…I remember being incontinent, and not being able to call for help.  So I layed there in it, hoping for the nursing staff to come and check me.  Sometimes this waiting became unbearable, as you can imagine…

I can remember having “good nurses” who would come in and talk to me, like I was a person!  They were smiling and friendly!  They touched me gently, checked me frequently, kept me clean and dry and some even stopped to hold my hand or to touch my cheek, thinking of the kindness brings a lump to my throat even now.  I can also unfortunately remember the ones who weren’t so nice.  They didn’t check me much, they seemed grumpy or indifferent, they were rough…and sometimes said some not so nice things while cleaning me up.

Laying there, so dependent on others, so helpless and scared…very scared…and very alone, is almost more than the mind can bear.  When your whole life is literally in anothers hands, it changes you.  I was a nurse in the 90’s.  I remember all the paperwork, the heavy patient load, the doctors orders, the meds, the treatments, the management…I was a good nurse, but I know looking back there had to be times that I didn’t spend as much time looking at the patient as a person…to treat their humanity as well as their illness. 

I had some really great nurses that took care of me over that agonizing year…and I never really got to thank them, and there were so many at all three local hospitals, and I was heavily drugged some of the time, so I never will get that chance to thank them…but they will always be in my heart.  It meant and means alot to me in my memories how they took that extra minute to treat me like I was more than a dirty body laying on a bed.

I hope I can always remember that, so that whenever I am caring for a person that is too ill to care for themselves, I will treat them with the care and respect they deserve and then some.  I will remember that they had a life before this illness brought them to this hospital, they have a family, pets, hobbies, a career…a personality.  I will let them keep their dignity and pride.

To all the good nurses and doctors out there…THANK YOU for what you do and how you do it!

To any person whom I ever come into contact with or care for, I promise to always take care of you as I would a loved family member, and to not forget your humanity.

Thanks to anyone who reads my blogs!  I appreciate it!  Pass the word if you will!

“Mastery of Life is the Opposite of Control”…..TOLLE