A dream. When I saw the topic for this blog carnival, my first instinct was, “well, I don’t think I will participate in this one, because I have no dreams.” Tonight when I was clearing out my email box, there was the email announcing the carnival again, as I had just left it in the mailbox. I decided maybe I will try to come up with something that fits this topic.
It’s sad to be 43 years old and feel as if all your dreams have died. Gone by the wayside. Just drudging thru the days of your life, with no dreams to motivate you on. But as I lay here tonight on my bed I realize I DO have a dream. It’s what has propelled me on for the last five years. It’s kept me going when I wondered if there was really any point in doing so.
My “dream” is to be a part of my childrens lives for many more years. My “dream” is to have grandchildren sitting on my lap, giving me the sweetest hugs only an innocent child can give. To be here to support my grown children as they travel the rough road of adulthood and parenthood. To be there when they have their first baby and need to call me in the middle of the night with questions about the babys care. To be able to spoil grandchildren with toys, candy and outtings to the zoo or circus! To have family gatherings where we are all talking and laughing together! Just enjoying family fun!
That’s it. That’s my dream. Somedays I feel pretty lucky to be here with my kids (grown as they may be), to be here to support them and guide them. My dream sounds so simple, yet with the pain and physical illness I must deal with, there are many days where I doubt I will be able to obtain that dream of being around for many years, of getting to experience the birth of my first grandchild. I have never been a dreamer. Always a realist. The whole “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed” analogy. But I AM disappointed. That I can’t feel confident of having even the simplest of dreams. To be with my family. To be healthy enough to have the energy to host a gathering for my family. To have the ability to lift a child for a huge bear hug. To have the financial means to afford to take the family on a vacation or the afore mentioned circus even! With the pain and extreme money problems, just these simple things are out of reach.
(picture shown not me or any baby I know, but he’s precious!)
So, my entry may seem to be such a pessimistic and depressing one, when the title is such an optimistic and happy sounding one. For this I apologize. It’s not that I don’t have “wishes” I have many of those. My heart is not dead. I haven’t given up hope. I have faith. I have determination and grit.
I WILL be here for many more years for my family! I WILL be here for the birth of my first grandchild! I WILL carry that granchild and lift him/her up when they fall! I WILL be here for those middle of the night calls for advice! I WILL have family gatherings and I WILL sit at that table and talk and laugh with my loved-ones! These are the wishes of my heart. I have faith that God will let me have this life that I pray for each night.
My kids have always been my inspiration for going on. They continue to be. With the promise of future grandchildren giving me a warm feeling in my heart…as I have had a taste of this wonderful feeling for the last couple of years by being a “MeeMaw” to my sons wonderful girlfriends two little boys, who I have grown to love as much as if they were blood.
I guess these wishes from my heart ARE my dream. Maybe I do have a bit of a dreamer in there afterall.