Tag Archive | happy

Content…

contentment

Driving home from the latest medical appointment today, I was contemplating how the rest of my day would go…generally the very way it does most days. I will get home, and walk thru the door to the dogs all barking their heads off, I will let them outside as I trip over the three of them walking to the door. I will unload whatever items I may have from store, then head to jump into my pajamas.

I wash my face, then straigten up the house so I can relax. Let the dogs in, prepare their dinner and serve. Then decide if my body will tolerate something more substantial then Ensure, which it usually will not, so drink my dinner then hit the sofa and turn on the computer and tv. Yep, both will be on somedays…usually a news or documentary type program on television or Netflix and just email, facebook or blog stuff on the computer. I’m doing cancer research for a family member, as well as researching my own illnesses, so I’m on the computer alot.

The dogs and cat are usually on the sofa with me, keeping my legs warm! The fireplace is flickering and heating up the room…I’m trying to learn crochet, so I may have the yarn and hooks out with the magazine and maybe a YouTube tutorial. I will usually talk to my mom and grandmother by phone at some point.

If the pain is really bad I don’t do much of anything other than lay on couch and focus on breathing gently so I don’t aggravate the issue…usually try to keep from crying, as that just makes it that much worse. As the evening goes on I get myself a cup of chamomille tea…with too much sugar and maybe a couple of Saltines. Play with the animals and brush the dogs…

Then it’s time to pick Jess up from work and she tells me about her day at work on the ride home, then we get in and she gets comfy while I empty her lunchbox. Then she gets a snack and we sit on the couch and watch something we have on the DVR, like tonight it will be American Idol…then later after Jim gets home, he and I go to bed and watch Days of Our Lives…yes, we are both hooked on it, for about two-years now I think! I personally LOVE EJ and I think Jim has a crush on Nikki (so would I if I was a guy!) lol.

After the show is over, Jim goes to sleep and I read until I am able to pass out, usually around 3am or so. Then I’m usually the first one up anymore, didn’t used to be, but am lately…get the fireplace on, fix our tea, let dogs out, then Jim gets up. Someone cooks so they can have dinner before leaving…after they go to work, I clean the house up, maybe go visit my grandparents, go to doc appointments, and maybe the store if I’m able to that day, but most days the pain keeps me pretty pinned down.

On Jessies nights off, she and I watch Gossip Girl or some Lifetime movie and chat. If I’m up to it, we might even get to go to the theatre or shop a little bit…same for Jims days off…usually as a family we go see a show or sit home watching Netflix. Sometimes the whole family gets together for dinners on Sundays or for birthdays and holidays. And now on Sundays I’ve been going to church with friends.

So, there you have it. My life in a nutshell…condensed of course, I left out mundane tasks of daily life for the most part…or is my whole life mundane? lol

But as I was driving home, thinkin bout my evening…I felt happy. Felt like I was looking forward to my routine. Since my whole life changed with these illnesses, it’s even more boring than it used to be…not that I was ever too exciting, but not being able to work, and not having young children at home anymore…leaves me with little to do. But somehow the days still speed by me and I can never figure out where the time goes!

It’s a quiet life. Yes, it’s filled with many, many extremely painful hours and lots of frustration over my whole digestive system and the medical communities inability to do much for me…but I like my life! I look forward to talking with my family members about their days at work, watching shows with them, laughing with them and joking with them…teasing each other and playing with the animals…it’s a good life for me.

Some people probably couldn’t imagine living the way that I do, day after day. The ones who are always on the go…always going somewhere, making plans for something, or working outside the home…but it’s working for me. It sounds cheesy, but every morning that I wake up, before I roll over to take my meds, I thank God for giving me another day here on Earth with my family…whether filled with pain or not, its also filled with joy…and I am CONTENT.

 

That’s pretty much my life

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Happy…

😀

Happy!

I felt happy

Does that sound sappy?

Being hugged by a small child

Makes my ills seem quite mild

They are so sweet and innocent

They see the world as magnificent

When they look at you with eyes so trusting

How can you feel anything but loving?

Small children and puppies make life seem so grand!

Their unconditional love makes me feel like I’ve gone to Disneyland!

Puppy kisses and childrens hugs

Are so much better than any drugs

Add to them a few good books and a cherry limeade

And I may just feel I’ve got it made!

It really doesn’t take much to be happy

And I really don’t care if that sounds sappy!

There we have it, another original Tammy poem….maybe I could be the next Dr. Seuss??? Yea, right. lol….nah, but it’s fun to do, so I have no plans to stop.

Pain levels have been going steadily upward as of late.  Not much I can do about it.  Just rest when I can and bite the bullet and do what needs done when it needs done.  Living with chronic pain is a pain.  Especially when your disability is invisible.  Because as I have said before, if people don’t actually SEE something wrong with you…they have a hard time believing you’re suffering.

I keep trying to live as a “normal” and somedays I do just fine. Then there are days as of late where my acting abilities fall short, and I start biting off peoples heads and fall into bed and burst into tears.  Ya spend alot of time feeling misunderstood when you have a chronic illness.  Your brain is screaming “Why don’t they understand?  Can’t they see I’m in so much pain it’s crippling? Why can’t they get it?” But it’s not really their fault.  They don’t get it, because they aren’t living it.  Although, if they are close family or friends, the do have to live with it to a degree.  They must see you when you’re suffering, they must deal with your moods, they must feel helpless because they can’t help you.  They must feel that way, because I know that’s how I feel when someone I love is ill or hurt.  I feel helpless that I can’t help them, that I can’t make the hurt go away.

So, although I’m in pain today….even worse than yesterday…I am going to ignore that demon and I am going to do what needs to be done.  And I’m going to keep the feeling of that little three year old boys hug and the slurpy smooches of my baby Daisy Duke in mind, and make it a happy day!

I have fallen into a funk as of late, but starting today, once again, I am crawling out of that hole and living with a more positive attitude!  I’m sure I will trip and fall again into that hole, but I will ALWAYS crawl out of it and start over! 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week!  Choose to be happy!  Choose to be positive!  Smile!  Play with a puppy!  Hug a child!  Watch the sunrise/sunset!  Read a great book!  Do what makes you feel like you’re living!

 

big baby hugs!!!!

“There is no such thing as the pursuit of happiness, but there is the discovery of joy”….Joyce Grenfell

The box

Trapped in a box without windows

Can barely acknowledge if the wind blows

Each day grows more painful than the last

As you rehash each minute of your torturous past

Is there any happiness left to be had?

Or will the rest of your days be equally as sad?

Does anyone care?

When I need them, no one is there

They grow bored with the sorrow

Don’t want it to be part of their tomorrow

So who do you have left to confide in?

Or do you continue with the oh so fake grin?

People do love you, this is true

But they are at a loss on how to fix you

Maybe their lives would be easier and less complicated

If you were to fly away or perhaps even be cremated

Maybe your presence is really no longer needed

Perhaps they’re not happy with the way they’ve been treated.

What good are you to anyone anymore?

You’re just a body thats been ripped and tore

So just crawl deep into your box

And forget the combination to the locks

“The roots of morality are to be found in empathy”………..Martin L. Hoffman, PH.D

 

 

Robbed!

I haven’t posted any blog entries lately.  Been feeling crappy lately.  Just the pain trying to take over my mind again.  Sometimes it wins, sometimes I win.  I really felt ROBBED yesterday.  Robbed of a normal life.  Ya see, about twice a month or even once a week most of the time…my 15 year old daughter and I like to go out and shop or see a movie together.  We are very close, and sit with each other everyday when she gets home from school and we chat about her day and whats going on in her life and mine.  We watch tv shows together, bake cookies together, just normal mom/kid things.  But on these days where we want to go out and “hit the town” so to speak, it goes something like this:

We decide to go Friday after school.  We are both excited!  Gonna head to the Mall and walk around, eat at the food court, hit our favorite stores, Jessies are of course American Eagle, Aeropostle, Buckle, Claires, Ulta….mine are Barnes/Noble, CjBanks, Ulta, Payless….;) So we jump in the van, all talkative and hyper…singing along to the radio…making the plans as to where to go first, when to eat, etc.  We find a strategic place to park…and we’re off!

Now we both know that with my physical limitations, I can only walk for so long before the pain gets unbearable.  So we try go where we know I can find a place to sit if need be….we also know from past experience that by the end of this fun event, I will be near tears with pain…but I think we hope each time that it won’t be as bad each time…but, of course it is.  So, we go to the shoe store first…we saw some really cute flip flops…but decided to head to the other stores and come back for them on the way leaving.  Hit the next store…Cjbanks…again, I saw a really cute outfit I liked, but was still peppy and we decided to go on to the other stores and get that outfit on the way out.  Big mistake.

We then head off to Ulta…we spent quite a bit of time in there messin around with all the makeup and perfumes and stuff…this is where the pain started ripping into my gutt.  So, after making our purchases we head over to eat…so I can sit.  I got my second wind…sort of…and we headed to AE.  Now of course this store is great….the tshirts and polos alone can take Jess hours to choose from…and she had to try them on….but the pain in my gutt is getting worse and worse.  The pain pills are not working.  I sit on the couch while she is in the dressing room…thank God for their couches!  By this time I am sweating profusely…I sweat like a hog when I am in that much pain…I’m sure people think I am about to have  a heart attack or something…lol.

I tell Jess, we have to speed up the process…feeling like I am dissappointing her in the process.  We make our purchases and head to Aeropostle…there is no place for me to sit in that store…so I am wondering around, trying to ignore the fact that it feels like Freddy Kruger is sharpening his finger blades on my intestines…sweat pouring off my head…tryin to look blase’, while Jess is in the fitting room.  It’s getting hard for me to remain standing…I am getting irritable.  Poor Jess comes out of the dressing room and I am being abrupt, “is that what you want? Let’s go now”….we check out….I find a bench, sit down.  Jess is getting stressed, because I am getting stressed…we begin to snap at each other.

We decide to try to make it to Claires…of course there are 5000 people in that tiny little store…I manage to remain calm while we found some earrings and some hair do dads…but again..I am not pleasant…I am crabby and sweaty and about to burst into tears because my evening out with my daughter is getting ruined by pain.

We wanted to go to Old Navy, but we sat down on the bench and I told Jess there was no way I could walk much more.  We were cold…by now it was getting dark and the temp had cooled and we were both wearing light jackets.  I honestly sat there on that bench wondering how in the hell I was gonna make it out to the parking lot!  I could barely stand up strait.  After resting for a short time we started out…now remember, I had wanted to go back to cjbanks and payless on our way out…that wasn’t happening…no way.  I was praying hard just to make it out to the parking lot.

I made it, but I could barely get into the van.  Some old lady was getting into her car next to me and looking at me with the strangest expression as I was trying to get behind the wheel of the car … grimacing in pain and trying hard not to just burst into tears.  I got the door closed.  Took some deep breaths.  Apologized to Jess that I always have to ruin our times out together, she tells me it’s okay, that she understands and it just makes her sad and angry that a stupid doctor did this to me.  I wanted us to be able to stop and have a Starbucks coffee, couldn’t do that.  I wanted to stop at Target…couldn’t do that either.

So we did end up going through a drive-thru and each got a shake.  Came home and I swallowed more pills and barely managed to get into my pj’s and flopped into bed.  Finally letting the tears flow.  I have been robbed of a normal life.  There is no other way to put it or to look at it.  Yea, I can try to be positive about it, make the most of it, be thankful to be here….blah blah blah…and I am thankful to be here.  But I am also PISSED that I can’t just go shopping with my daughter and have fun!!!  The pain is always there…somedays worse than others…but it’s ALWAYS there.

Well…this has been a long post…I will end it now…lol.  I just need to learn to stop pushing myself.  If I want to shop, I guess I can only go to one store per day or something, I don’t know.  I just know that it bothers me.  Alot.  I can’t make plans in advance, cause when that day arrives I may be bedridden with pain.  It makes life so damn complicated.  I get tired of wearing the “I’m normal” mask everyday.  I am not normal.  I am defective.  And it totally makes me ANGRY!

“Look at a tree, a flower, a plant.  Let your awareness rest upon it.  How still it is, how deeply rooted in Being. Allow nature to teach you STILLNESS”

God…I am really trying!  Thanks to everyone who reads my blogs!  I appreciate everyones messages and comments, thanks for all the support.

xoxoxo

Memories!

Memories, from the corners of my mind…misty water colored memories…of the way we were…lol,, yep this blog is gonna deal with some of my memories, the good, the bad and maybe a little ugly.  Let’s start with the good:

I remember going to Sunday school in New Haven.  I loved it!  The adults were so nice to us!  We played games, listened to stories of Jesus and got to sing songs…Jesus Loves Me being my favorite of course!  We lived close enough that we sometimes got to walk there as well…I loved doing that too…in my dress up clothes!

I remember going to my grandmothers (Mamaws) house on the weekends or holidays and staying all night, alot of my cousins would also.  We would all bed down on the floor after having ice cream with chocolate syrup!  If I was staying alone, Mamaw would make me a bed on the floor by her bed and would hang her arm down for me to hold her hand until I fell asleep…I always felt so safe there.

I remember in elementary school entering a writing contest to win tickets to the Ringling Brothers Circus!  I was at school and got called down to the principals office…Mr. Calbeck…he was kinda scary and I never got in trouble so I was very afraid!  He handed me the paper saying “Congratulations!  You won!”  I got to go down to center and ride on an elephant!  lol

I remember in middle school when everyone was just starting to wear Nikes tennis shoes…I wanted some!  Mamaw took me shopping to buy them…even though she was a factory worker on a budget…she bought them for me anyway!  Although I know she thought it was ridiculous to spend so much money on a pair of tennis shoes!  She always bought me whatever I wanted…within reason!

I remember in highschool riding around with friends jamming to Led Zepplin and the Scorpions…drinkin Little Kings…lol.

I remember Senior Year in High School being voted “Most Likely to become a Poet”.

I remember finding out I was pregnant with my son Jeremy…I was 19…I was sooo excited!  My mom was too.  We immediately went out and started buying little baby clothes and baby items….I wasn’t even 2 months along yet!.  The day I went into labor with him, I was watching “Dirty Dancing” and cleaning…ALOT…all the ladies will understand the “nesting instinct”…that apartment was surgery sterile, let me tell ya!  I called my Mamaw and said I felt like it may be within the next 24 hours and she came to sleep on my couch.  I was having contractions, but nothing too uncomfortable.  I went to bed…about 2 am it began to hurt a bit more…I started pacing around the apartment…this went on for the next 23 hours!  Finally my water broke at 1am the next day…but not a gush…more like a trickle…I thought I was peeing myself!  lol…called the doc, he said head in to the hospital…well, it was snowing like crazy outside…a bit of a blizzard actually.  So I called my dad/mom and he drove all of us to the hospital.  I had Jeremy ALL NATURAL not even an aspirin…Let me tell ya, I was throwin bedpans in that room!  But finally around 11:00am the pushing urge began…STRONG!  And of course my doctor wasn’t there yet…stuck in traffic!  They kept yelling “Don’t push, Don’t push!”  “Breathe”…I was grunting like a crazed hog!  Hold it in?  Seriously?  Sorry, but when it’s time for a baby to come…he’s coming…so they are flying me down the hall on a gurney….got me in the OR….the head is crowning…doc runs in, nurse barely slips a gown and gloves on him, his butt hits the stool and out flew Jeremy and the doc caught him like Johnny Bench!  He was screaming his little heart out…(Jeremy, not the doc..hehehe).  They laid him on my belly I kissed his little head and just felt my heart melt.  My little boy!

I remember when Jessica was born.  She was a tough pregnancy.  First of all, they tried to tell me she wasn’t even gonna BE a baby.  To go home and wait to miscarry.  But at about 5 months I was at the kitchen sink doing dishes…abdomen up against the counter and BOOM…she kicked…HARD.  Lol…I had thought all along I was still pregnant, but I was uninsured and they had already said I wasn’t…that pregnancy was full of her twisting around, doing flip flops, and kicking so hard…jammin her feet under my ribs…people would watch in awe as that baby would cause my belly to contort to very unusual shapes!  I felt like I had been pregnant for years with her!  I was ready for her to come out!  She would use the same beautiful yellow lacey bassinet her brother had, and I had all the clothes/blankets/bottles/toys/books any baby would ever need ready to go…Just needed her to come out.  She wouldn’t.  I walked and walked and walked.  I ate spicy food.  I tried all the tricks to bring on labor.  Nothing.  Finally I thought it was time…I felt a bulge…went to the hospital…nope, not the baby…she had pushed my darn bladder out!  Yes…my delicate little daughter decided to kick an organ out of her mother so she would have more room to practice her gymnastics!  Well, the docs shoved it back into place and sent me home.  After another 10 days they finally induced me.  Now, having remembered the first birth…I opted for an epidural on this one…but, they won’t give you that til like stage 8…what they didn’t understand was that for the first one, I went from 8 to delivery faster than minute rice!  By the time they got the epidural in…I gave birth 15 minutes later…at 12:25 pm…my Jessica Renee’ was born…again, I kissed her head and cried…everyone in the room was smiling/crying and jumping up and down!

Okay, so…to keep this blog not tooo terribly long, I will quit Happy Memories and go to the bad ones…and will have a part 2 on this subject!

I remember as a child hiding under the bed while the adults fought, so scared.  I remember once getting a baseball bat and going out and hitting my dad with it to get him off my mom…boy I paid for that one!  I remember hitting him over the head with a glass pop bottle while he was passed out on the couch after busting up my mom and the house…again, bad decision.  I remember some really bad things that happened to me as a teenager that I won’t go into detail about to protect some peoples privacys and stuff.  I remember making some poor decisions with a few men, who turned out to be cruel.  I am not going into detail on some of my bad memories for many reasons…they were bad enough the first time…don’t want to completely relive them again, but you get the general idea.  Some things I can’t go into to protect some innocent people.  But lets just say there were ALOT of struggles!  I remember waking up from my drug induced coma and realizing my abdomen was still open!  And the full extent of my injuries came to light.  And every day since November 3, 2005…as those of you who read my first blog has been wrought with bad memories.  The last bad memory I will share is when my beloved dog Dexter passed away on May 28, 2008.  What a horrid day.  We all bawled like babies…he was my little shadow, always by my side…such a faithful and loving little dog.  I still miss him to this day and always will.

So, all in all………the good memories are always more detailed than the bad!  Your mind protects you and tries to block out alot of the bad stuff!  I don’t dwell on the bad stuff much…the health stuff is hard not to…but the good always outweighs the bad!

The past year I have been on a mission to make good memories!  And I am.  I will share more good memories in the next blog…stay tuned!  I really appreciate those of you who take a few minutes out of your days to read my blogs!  It means alot to me to have so many who think I have something of interest to read about!  So thank you and pass my blog onto others you know!

“Is suffering really necessary?  Yes and No.  If you had ot suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you, no humility, no compassion.