Tag Archive | friend

Blog Carnival Introduction!

Well first of all let me say this is my FIRST blog carnival!  I had never heard of them before my wonderful cyber-friend Jolene (of Graceful Agony) introduced me to them.  What a wonderful idea!  I have had so much fun reading blogs since discovering them in February. Yes, I know blogs have been around long before that, but I just never actually READ them.  That is until I decided to start my own after another friend started one…he has since quit blogging, even though he’s a talented writer and should be writing all the time…but  that’s when I found Jolene’s Graceful Agony blog, and it really inspired me!  She is a wonderful person and a gifted writer and everyone needs to be reading her blog at http://gracefulagony.wordpress.com/ …but enough about her….this blog is supposed to be all about ME! lol (said jokingly of course!) 😉

Me.  Well, at risk of boring most of you I will keep the life history of yours truly as short as possible.  I’m a forty-two year old married mom of two wonderful children, a 22 y/o man and a 16 y/o young lady and of course I love them both more than any words could ever convey.  My husband is very devoted and supportive.  I have two dogs who keep me entertained and provide me with unconditional love and affection.  My childhood was very rough and dysfunctional to say the least, but I won’t type all that out, as it is pretty much portrayed in some of my earlier blogs (The Little Girl). I love to read and to write.  My favorite color is pink…but I wear alot of black and white because its easy…lol.  I love dogs and babies.  My fave tv show is The Office.  I love Steve Carell and Will Farrell.  I love all music, rock, pop, country, spiritual, jazz and more.  I love Chinese and Mexican foods the most.  I like a good margarita once in awhile.  I love good movies…especially the classics…Cary Grant, Bette Davis, Deborah Kerr…those are great movies!  I bite my nails til they bleed. I worry too much. I am a denti-phobe to the nth degree. So that’s a little about me, now here is about my chronic pain/illness!

My “adulthood” was going along fine until about 1998 when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, after a few years of having mysterious aches and pains, and going from doctor to doctor.  None of the meds they ever tried me on helped much…so I just didn’t take anything other than over the counter meds after awhile…and just gritted my teeth and got on with life.

Then I started having pelvic pain that just wouldn’t quit. So in 2005 my OBGYN at the time said a hysterectomy would solve my problems…but that he would leave my ovaries so I wouldn’t go into early menopause.  I was all for anything that would stop the pain that was really affecting my daily life at times. I woke up from that surgery in more pain than he had led me to believe there would be and found out that I had hemmorhaged during the hysterectomy and required a few units of blood…but that other than that everything went peachy…by his standards I guess.

I recovered from that hysterectomy, but continued to have pelvic pain.  I decided in my infinite wisdom to find a different OBGYN as I wasn’t entirely impressed with the other…which now in hindsight was quite possibly a life-changing decision.  The new doc was young, handsome and had a great bedside manner.  He impressed me with his knowledge and I believed him when he said that my pain was probably due to the cysts on my ovaries and if they came out the pain may stop as well.  Now, my thinking was…that of course the pain would stop…there would be nothing else in that area to cause the pain…right?  So, I was too trusting and didn’t do much research into any of it and actually was looking forward to the operation to get those “things” out of my body so the pain would stop. I would take that pain back in a split second compared to the pain I must now endure.

That surgery changed my life forever. I will make it as short as I can.  During the operation the doc punctured my intestine and failed to recognize it.  He went to Disneyland for vacation…I ended up in ICU on a vent and medically induced coma, and remember very little for a few months after the operation except alot of pain and being restrained to the bed to keep from me pulling all the different lines and tubes out.  I ended up over the next year having around fifteen abdominal operations, part of my intestine removed, having ostomies, wound vacs attached to my abdomen where the wound was left open (about the size of a softball) and the hose was attached to a machine that vacuumed out the contents for months, I was fed thru a line inserted under my collar-bone, I had other peripheral lines up around my arm pits, or in my upper arm…which frequently ended up giving me blood infections that I also almost died from, I spent most of that year in 3 different hospitals, and some of it at home with home care nurses and my family working to care for me around the clock.My husband and family became my nurses.  I missed many family events of course during all of this…basically I missed my sons entire senior year and my daughters sixth grade year.  To shorten this section up, I will end it by saying the last surgery managed to close up my abdomen, but the pain is non-stop due to massive adhesions (my insides are basically like hardened cement…organs glued together and to the abdominal wall), the nerve pain called neuromas from the constant cutting, and I have no abdominal muscle wall at all in the front…I have a ventral hernia from my breastbone to my pubic bone and my intestines lay right under the skin/fat layer.  I can’t eat alot of foods due to digestion problems.  I must wear an abdominal binder 24/7 to help ease the pain and hold the hernia in.  I go to a pain center every month and must take narcotics to even take the edge off the pain.  I can’t do alot of the things I used to do, no bike riding, no running, no hard exercising of any kind…basically I can’t do anything that requires using abdominal muscles.  The pain is relentless and hard to even describe to people, it is like your insides are on fire while at the same time being shredded.  To say it makes everyday life difficult is an understatement, but I am alive. Living with pain, but alive.

So, since I know that was long…even though I really did leave ALOT of stuff out! I will finish up here.  About the time I started blogging and finding others out there who were suffering with chronic pain just as I was, there was alot of depressing thoughts going through my head.  I was feeling down and useless at times, and still do occassionally.  But I am a fighter, I always have been.  Stubborn some people would say I guess.  But it’s that stubborness that got me through that horrific nightmare that I lived through…and continue to live through. Stubborness and a wicked sense of humor!  I read self-help books and look for inspiring blogs on the web.  I pray alot. I always said I would continue to live for my childrens sake.  I now feel I will continue to live for MY sake.  Even though there are so many days that I am crying in the fetal position and ready to jump off the nearest bridge, I eventually dry my eyes and decide that I won’t give up that easily.  I want to live, even if it’s with pain that would bring most people to their knees, I want to experience life…to see the beautiful sunsets/sunrises, all the beauty nature provides, and to see my family, my children, my grandchildren.  I love blogging because it’s free therapy for me.  I can vent, I can inspire, I can joke (sarcasm is my specialty!), I can pretend that someone out there actually cares!

Wow…this really did turn out long…if it’s too long I guess my buddy Jolene will have to tell me to shorten it up and I will!  I’m thrilled to be involved in this carnival and look forward to hearing everyones story! To anyone who suffered thru MY long story…thank you for reading!

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My nod to some of my fave blogs:

Last week a great friend of mine gave me a wonderful “gift” in an award called “One Lovely Blog.” Now I’m gonna do my part and try to give kudos some bloggers who I read and love….and of course my #1 person I would give it to is the terrific lady who gave it to me!  But I guess that would not be the way to go, since she already has one!  But her blog is my most favorite one to read…just putting that on the record!  That is http://gracefulagony.wordpress.com/

So, the following 15 blogs are one’s that I have really enjoyed reading for one reason or another.  Most are health related, but not all.

1.)365 Days of Gratitude

2.)Chronic Illness Pain Daily Devotionals

3.)Endometriosis: the silent life sentence

4.)Fibromyalgia Blog

5.)Hibernationnow\’s Blog

6.)Little Girl With a Big Pen

7.)my foggy brain

8.)Thomas John Brown\’s Daily

9.)Mothering of 5

10.)Oh my Aches and Pains

11.)Deanna\’s Blog, The Life of a Working Writer Mommy

12.)Dogkisses\’s Blog

13.)Lila Lost in the Fibro Fog…..

14.)http://mycfslife.wordpress.com/

15.)http://marianchild.wordpress.com/2010/06/12/breathe/

So, those are 15 I read or have read and liked.  I hope I didn’t repeat many if any that Jolene nominated…if I did…I am sorry!  I’m new to blogging and don’t have a huge list to choose from….I plan on changing that though.

So…I want to take a second and once again thank Jolene for giving me my award!  Meant alot to me!  Love that girl! 😉

I will hopefully have a new entry up by the end of the week…not feeling too peachy right now…overdid it this weekend I believe!

Love to all!

Honored!

An honor from my very good friend Jolene!

 

Today started off bad.  I didn’t sleep well AGAIN last night.  Barely at all really.  I’m battling yet ANOTHER bladder infection, even though I’ve been very careful about being sterile while cathing.  I feel like death.  My eyes just burn and ache, my head feels foggy, I am soooo nauseated, my bladder hurts, I can barely go to the bathroom…without using the cath that is.  I just feel so fatigued and just …. BLAH again.

I went to see the urologist…he was happy that my residual was down…so I can stop cathing for awhile and see if my bladder can do what it’s supposed to do.  In the mean time he put me on a different antibiotic to see if it would clear up the infection…waiting on the culture to come back.

After that I had to go do some shopping for our upcoming weekend … the whole family is going to Indiana Beach for the weekend!  I should be thrilled, but feeling like I do….I can’t muster up much enthusiasm.  I will just do everything I can do to make sure EVERYONE else will have a good time…so I went and got all the food, lots of junk-food with some fruit and veggies thrown in here and there…lol, lots of water, flavored and otherwise…and all the paper-products and toiletries we will need.  While in the store I honestly thought I was gonna have to leave…I was in so much pain from the adhesions…they were ripping me apart…then throw in the bladder issues and then a wave a nausea that about made me pass out.  But I took some deep breaths and steadied myself and pressed on.  Sounds like I’m climbing Mt. Everest doesn’t it?  That’s pathetic…but sometimes something as simple as grocery shopping feels like climbing Mt. Everest!  People with chronic illnesses/pain struggle so much just to do ordinary things!

Anyway, got it all home and thank God for my baby Jess…she brought everything in and put it away…she helps me out so much…I’m very grateful for her.  Then I came in and got into my jammies, grabbed me some tea, sat on my bed and opened my laptop…and got such a wonderul suprise!

A very special friend of mine had left me this most wonderful message, that she had honored me with “A Most Lovely Blog” award…as she had also been honored by another blogger!  Jolene is a wonderful and inspiring writer!  She has so much empathy for others in pain, and struggles daily with her own.  She brings inspiration and hope to so many with her supportive words.  She has made me smile through tears on more than one occassion.  Her blog is wonderful and whether you are a chronic pain/illness survivor or not, you would really enjoy reading it!  http://gracefulagony.wordpress.com/

I will now start giving thought as to who I can pass on this honor too!  There are so many wonderful bloggers out there who inspire me!  Or make me laugh on days when I feel more like crying!  I’ll be working on choosing them over the next few days…in the mean time…let me just again tell Jolene just how much I admire her…aspire to be like her…feel blessed to have found her…and truly do feel like I’ve been reconnected with my long lost sister!  Thanks Jolene!  You made what was just another crappy day…into a special one!

PAY IT FORWARD!

Blah days

Todays one of those days.  The “Blah days” I am getting so sick of.  It’s a Saturday.  Nothin to do.  No money to do it with really.  Everyone in the world seems to have something to do today, except for me.  I’m just sittin here with the dogs, watching MSNBC cuz there is nothing on tv….and piddling around with the computer.

Tired as hell.  But can never sleep.  Bored.  Sick of having so many health problems.  Sick of taking so many pills.  Sick of laying in this bed.  Sick of pretending to be positive.  Sick of worrying. Sick of trying to figure out where I went wrong in so many ways.  Sick of scheduling doc appointments and paying for all the medical bills.

I am just blah.  The rain has finally stopped.  But, it doesn’t really matter, since I have nothing to do anyway.  Makes me wish I had another friend.  One who was always available.  Right there every single time you had the need for a friend…of course, there is no such thing, because no one person can possibly be there for you every single time you would like for them to be…but it would be so nice….wouldn’t it?  Suddenly you feel lonely and bam!  Right there she is…to hang out with ya…nothin fancy, just sit and watch a movie or go to lunch…oh well….it’s like wishin for a genie in a bottle I guess.  Not gonna happen.

I am alone so much, I think I’m going bonkers.  lol.  I’m sick of the sight of my bedroom.  I feel like I am well into my 80’s…with all the pain/sickness and complete and utter boredom.  I’m 42/going on 82.  My life is seeming fairly useless at this point.

Guess I better read one of my “inspirational” books and get my mind out of this sewer of negativity again.  I’m up and down…but alot of down…all due to my health…if I was healthy, I believe I would be much happier with life.  Of course there would still be problems to deal with, but I could deal with life’s issues alot more efficiently with a healthy body.  I could enjoy life more with a body that wasn’t wracked with major pain every second of every day. I could be more carefree and excited about living.

I try and try to stay upbeat and positive and grateful for all the good things in my life…and I succeed many days in being happy.  But the underlying pain/illness is always just under the surface…ready to jump out and rip out my guts.  I’m shopping with Jess and we’re having fun and laughing and POW the pain tears thru my belly like a machette…and wipes the smile and fun off my face, and ends our enjoyment.

I’m at work, loving my job…caring for my patients, whom I have so much empathy for, knowing just exactly how they feel and what they are going through…and ZAP…major pain strikes again.  And I must sit and not do the job as well as I would want to, because I can barely breathe thru my pain.

I’m watching a funny movie with the family and being so blessed….when BAM….the pain zips thru me so unexpectedly I have no time to brace, and tears come to my eyes, but I don’t cry, because that would hurt much more than help.

I dress up and try to go out with my husband and look decent…only to feel ugly when the pain makes me have to slump and not smile or enjoy anything that’s happening.  I sit stonefaced, while the fun goes on around me.

Of course I am thankful to just be here.  Yes I am.  I want to be here.  Even if it means suffering every minute.  I want to be here to see my family.  To be in there lives.  To help them when and if I can.  To try to be a part of the world.  To try to help anyone I can.  To try to keep figuring out why I’m here.  What my purpose is.  What can I bring to the world.  What will my mark be?

Just getting thru one of my blah days. 

Trying to find the sun.

Learing to deal in a positive way.

The life I’m tryin to run.

Tomorrow will be better.

I will find the sun.

God is in my life.

He knows I’m dealing with strife.

The lessons I am learning.

All while yearning.

For a life without pain.

Believing in God.

A happy life I will gain.

Have a wonderful weekend all my internet friends!  Wish you were here with me, to help me thru my yucky day…but I guess you are!

Dedicated to Dexter:

This entry will be dedicated to my beloved dog Dexter.  He passed away on May 28th, 2008.  He was almost 16 years old, and I had him for 15 wonderful years.  He was a terrier mix, and he was the most loyal of all pets.  He was my little shadow for all those years.  He followed me everywhere, and waited patiently outside the bathroom door for me even! 

I allowed him to sleep in bed with us, he always slept in the crook of my leg…he would sit and wait until I got comfortable, then plop down with his body pressed against my leg, chin resting on my ankle.  He was so smart, I am fairly certain he totally understood the human language.  I would say, “Well Dex, I think we need to get up and head to the kitchen.”  And he would get up and start walking that way and look over his shoulder to make sure I was following…he would do that also whenever we were going downstairs…he would go ahead of me, but would always stop halfway down and look back to see if I was still there! 

When I was sick, he would sit and look at me with what I swear was pity in his eyes.  At certain points I wasn’t able to lay in a bed, but was confined to a recliner…he would some lay or sit beside it, I was usually to weak to try to pet him, but occassionally could hang an arm down and touch the top of his head, and he would just stay there frozen until I moved my hand away.

When we would go on vacations he would refuse to eat…it made me feel awful!  But we soon figured out that his self enforced fast could be broken with home cooked liver!  lol, my grandmother would cook him liver and handfeed it to him…so he wouldn’t starve to death til we returned…he was a little con artist I think! 

Dexter never had “accidents” in the house.  Never.  Until right toward the end, he became incontinent.  You could see in his face it made him feel so bad to do it.  Of course we never shamed him or scolded him at all, he couldn’t help it, but honestly you could see it hurt his pride.

He was the perfect dog.  He was soo smart.  Loyal.  Loving.  Affectionate.  He had the best personality of any dog I have ever seen!  He smiled!  Yes, he would smile at everyone…you could say, “Smile Dex!” and he would pull back his lips and give you a grin!  When he was especially excited…like in response to the phrase “Want some cheese Dex?” He would begin to sneeze over and over and over again…lol, it was the cutest!

After he went to Rainbow Bridge, I had him cremated and we have his little urn of ashes with us, and a little paw shaped stone with his name on it.  I also have a windchime with his name and dates of birth/death.  I keep pictures of my little baby around the house.  Although he is gone, he is here in spirit.  I will never forget my baby Dex, and although I dearly love my current dogs, Lucy and Daisy…they will never replace the very special bond my Dex and I had.

RIP Dexter Spice!

“Happiness is the experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude” …taken from my latest Dove chocolate!  😉

My Dex

Just a Dog

From time to time, people tell me, “lighten up, it’s just a dog,” or, “that’s a lot of money for just a dog.” They don’t understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for “just a dog.”

Some of my proudest moments have come about with “just a dog.” Many hours have passed and my only company was “just a dog,” but I did not once feel slighted.

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by “just a dog,” and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of “just a dog” gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it’s “just a dog,” then you will probably understand phases like “just a friend,” “just a sunrise,” or “just a promise.” “Just a dog” brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. “Just a dog” brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person.

Because of “just a dog” I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it’s not “just a dog” but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.

“Just a dog” brings out what’s good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday they can understand that it’s not “just a dog” but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being “just a human.”

So the next time you hear the phrase “just a dog.” just smile, because they “just don’t understand.”

Authored by Richard A. Biby