Tag Archive | fake


I’ve been thinking lately of peoples perceptions of other people.  You know how it is…you see someone and you immediately acquire an idea on who that person is.  By their appearance, demeaner, personality, etc.  Now if you don’t really know that person, you may never know if your “perception” of him was on target or not…

But what of our perceptions of the people we do know?  Or we THINK we know….are our perceptions correct about them?  Do we know their likes/dislikes?  Do we know their political/religious views?  Do we know all their favorites and non faves?  Do we REALLY know if they are safe or unsafe characters?  Are they responsible?  Are they alcoholics?  Thieves?  BiPolar? Depressed?  Happily married or just faking it well? Addicted to drugs? Sex?

How long of a relationship must you have with someone before you REALLY know them?  Five minutes?  A week?  Month? Year? Many years?  Do we ever REALLY know anyone?  We percieve that we do.  But then perhaps they will do something so out of character that we are taken aback.  We are stunned and confused…we think “Well, why would she do that?  That’s so unlike her”

How do others perceive us?  We all change our “faces” …don’t we?  I mean we have our family personality, our company personality, our work personality, our new acquaintance personality, our business personality, our best friend personality, ….you get the idea.

Does any of us REALLY know any of us?  I’ve often wondered how I will be described after I pass away.  Here’s is what I would say about ME:  She was a tragic soul….who lead a rough life, but overcame it for the most part.  She was strong and stubborn.  She liked to do things well…and right.  She was only affectionate with her children and her animals mostly.  She was a free spirit in her younger years, but lost that along the way after life sort of beat her down.  She did her best living with chronic pain…she really believed in using humor to heal the soul.  Loved to laugh.  Loved to read. Loved her children and family so much it consumed her at times.  Was kind to children and animals.  Put a brave face on most days and faced the world…all while gritting her teeth and wanting to get back to bed…lol.  She wanted to feel useful, she wanted others to feel loved and cared for.  She tried to guide her children, to give them useful advice.  She prays constantly. She has a few good friends and has a couple online friends she feels even closer to…a sisterly bond thru pain. She likes for things to run smoothly and therefore tries to make it so.  Believes in lists, lists and more lists! 

So that would be MY perception of me.  Someone else may say things completely different.  May think I’m bitchy and controlling and moody.  May think I am cold and indifferent.  May think I am whiney.  May think I milk my illness.  May think I’m lazy and fat and ugly.

Point being…our perceptions of people….may be wrong or right.  But we treat them the way we perceive them.  Let’s say you treat this friend with utter respect, as he is a doctor, and you have always considered him an upstanding honest truthful person.  Then you find out he is addicted to drugs or porn and cheats on his wife.  How did you not SEE this side of him?  How did he hide it so well?  Or was it right under your nose and yet you chose NOT to see the signs?  Being stabbed in the back is painful…but do we sometimes set ourselves up for it?  By not seeing the forest for the trees?

Sometimes I know people who are so outwardly fake.  Maybe they think no one else notices or knows.  But it’s embarrassing watching them try to pretend to be someone they are not.  Especially when everyone knows they aren’t really that way, or if they buy into the act, they then think that person is an idiot.  When deep down that person is a scared and sad person, who is afraid to show their true selves to people for whatever reason.  Maybe they are not proud of what they’ve become, so they choose to puff up their life story to make it seem more interesting…but all it does is drive people away.

We are a race of perceptions.  I am usually pretty good at reading people.  But I don’t think everyone is.  Sometimes we get the wrong vibes from people…I say go with your gut.  But I feel we all need to put away the masks.  Let’s be who we are, imperfections and all.  Stop trying to impress.  Stop kicking ourselves for not being who we think others want us to be.  We are who we are.  Let’s not waste this life suffering because we perceive we are not who we should’ve been.

I will still wonder how others perceive me…hmmm.


Relief and working while having a chronic illness:

Have you ever finished up something and felt such a relief?  Maybe you had been doing something for a long time, a job you hated or a friendship that was toxic or fake?  Then after you finally get rid of it, you felt free?  Felt like the proverbial “monkey was off your back?”  I have had this feeling before and I have friends who have as well.  It’s amazing how you can get into a “rut” doing something you despise or being involved with someone who you just feel is not who they pretend to be…you just keep dragging this thing out, maybe because you feel you must for financial reasons in the case of a bad job or you hate to hurt someones feelings in the case of a bad friendship.  In either case it’s not good for the job, the friend or yourself to stick around.

In job situations sometimes people MUST stick it out, no matter how bad they hate it or how bad it is for their health.  That is so detrimental to that person’s mental and physical health.  They take being treated badly, being taken for granted and being paid a lousy wage just to put food on the table. Or the employer is just a delusional psych job that thinks they are the best thing since sliced bread, and that by allowing you to work for them they are somehow doing you a favor and expect you to kiss their feet for giving you a paycheck after a long hard week on the job?  It’s an all around bad situation.  I know many people stuck in jobs they hate, but have no other options other than to stick it out…for now.  I know waitresses who rely on tips…and who have clients who are too idiotic to leave decent tips or make you jump through hoops to get a decent tip…guess what people?  TIPS are part of most jobs that are service oriented!  DUH!  Giving that tip to the waitress doesn’t make you kind…it’s part of the deal when dining out!  Unless of course you get crappy service, then of course you may have a valid reason not to tip.

I am lucky in that I have found a job I love and that works out with my physical limitations!  The supervisors I have are amazing!  They treat the employees very well and with respect.  The co workers are great, everyone helps each other out.  Working any job when having a chronic illness, especially one involving alot of pain, is very difficult.  On days when you can barely bring yourself to get out of bed…but you must force yourself up and to work.  You take your meds and you just push yourself to get to your job and to do it to the best of your ability…even with the pain and the brain-fog related to the pain medications.  Yes, it is hard indeed.  But we do it, because we have to or because it fullfills us to be out in the world, doing something we enjoy.  I am so grateful that I am able to work outside the home in a job that I love and can physically do…I’m lucky to be able to push myself to do it.

I hate the days where I am in so much pain I can’t even force myself to get up, much less work.  Those days suck.  They make you feel so pitiful and helpless.  I have many of these days each month, but thankfully not every single day…I can usually “suck it up” enough to get up and get stuff done…with the help of my pharmaceutical suitcase…lol.

Well, I hope everyone out there in cyberland is having a glorious day!  The weather is awesome!  Slide open those windows and air the house out!  (Some people REALLY need to do this….ever walked into a house that smelled like stinky garbage? ewww)…


“Make plans, but allow for changes!”

Should I just give up?

Laying here in bed….in my usual position, propped up on pillows, on a heating pad.  TV on Hallmark channel, although I’m not really watching it.  Computer on lap.  House phone and cell phone within reach.  Bottle of water and pills on bedside table, several books/magazines  next to me.  Pain levels are thru the roof of course, as they have steadily been as of late.  The plethora of pain meds I take routinely … not doin their job.

Have a raging UTI with possible right kidney involvment just for fun.  Waiting out to go to the doc til Monday…but I am drinkin lots of water and cranberry juice, taking AZO and leftover pyridium. 

Wondering if I should just give up.  Not on life completely per say.  But give up trying to be NORMAL.  Trying to behave as if I have no health issues, when I most definitely do.  Give up trying to please everyone, when I am only failing repeatedly.  Give up trying to do anything resembling worth while when I can’t seem to.  Give up trying to fight all the damn health problems I have…the list just keeps growing.  Give up trying to keep going to doctors and keep taking pills, it’s all just costing us money we don’t have.  Give up trying to look decent, when its a fail.  Give up wishing the past could’ve been different, cuz it can’t.  Give up trying to be the best mom, cuz there ain’t no such thing.  Give up on trying to keep dreams alive.  Give up on thinking I’m here for a purpose.  Give up on trying to figure out my phone/internet bills, cuz Verizon is obviously trying to drive ME (yes, just me) completely insane with their billing practices.  Just give up. 

I will just stop showering.  Lay here in bed.  Eat like a depraved elephant.  Have people wait on me.  And wait for death to come and take me to a place where there is no illness, no pain, no hate, no fear, no misery, no anger, no spite, no stupidity, no envy, no competition, no bad people….just take me away.  I’m tired of it all.  Sick and damn tired of it ALL.

No one needs to freak out.  This is not some sordid suicide letter of any sorts.  This is me purging my mind because I am laying here pissed off as hell at the world.  I am supposed to be trying to get ready…we are supposed to be going out to dinner with friends tonite.  So after I am done crying, I will get the Visine, and go to work with the makeup to cover my blotchy face.  Find some clothes and TRY to look human and force myself to go out and pretend to be normal for a few hours.  I WANT to go out.  I WANT to see my friends.  I WANT to eat a great meal.  I WANT to be normal.  But the best I can hope for is just getting through the night.

So…see there, I guess I’m not giving up.  Yet.  Not sure if I will actually make it out tonite yet or not.  At this moment…it seems doubtful…but who knows…I will atleast get dressed, take my drugs…then when 6:30pm rolls around, my poor husband will then know if his disabled and useless wife will be able to accompany him on this Saturday night out….or not.  He should’ve run for the hills long ago.

Hope the rest of you are having a better weekend than I am.  Sorry to be a downer….but somedays…..it’s hard to pretend.

No inspiring quote today….not feelin it.