Tag Archive | boys


Is this title a repeat? I don’t even know…too lazy to scroll thru to find. I’m gonna blow one out here that is not censored at all….pure heart-felt emotion….I’m angry at women. I’m angry at men. I know so many women who stay in stale or bad relationships just strictly for monetary reasons. They put up with being degraded either verbally, emotionally or physically. They are their “spouses” mothers…their caregivers…their bathroom cleaners, laundry doers, dish doers, child raisers….they do all this while trying to work and pay bills, trying to compete with the airbrushed anorexic 14 year old model on Glamour magazine.

I’ve bypassed all that now…I lived thru it….but I am now of that “age”…where I am no longer a girl or woman. I am the “ghost woman”….I’m between 44 and 60….that area where you no longer exist. It’s sad really. I am now at the vantage point where I see young women 18 to 40 struggling to be seen. They want to look perfect…competing with air brushed anorexic unhappy women in magazines who seem to pull it all off. They feel inferiour. They hate themselves. They try so hard to please their “man” that they LOSE themselves!

Look girls! We are people! We are who we are! We look how we look! We feel how we feel! If that’s not good enough for someone…then screw that someone.  I’m sorry, but I spent alot of years kissing ass and being someones doormat…I will never do that again, and I could never in good conscious advice any other woman to do so. Go out there. Work…get your education. Get a job. Support YOU. Take care of YOU. Do not lose yourself in some dick who’s only thought is how many orgasms he can get goin today, with or without u.  I’m not saying you can’t have a meaningful and lifelong commitment with a man or woman or whatever…I’m just saying, you can’t lose YOU in the couple u become.

Keep your identity. Keep you self esteem and self respect. Don’t roll over and let anyone else run your life. Live it for you. If you have children, then live it for them…they are your PRIORITY. Kids come first. Romantic relationships second.

I’ve had some eye opening experiences lately.  Whats a romantic relationship? What’s a best friend? Whats a friend? What’s a mom? All these damn titles….I have felt like a failure for so many things…but never my “titles”…I always was the “good” daughter, grandaughter…the “good” girlfriend, wife, friend”…the good mom….

It hasn’t kept me from being hurt. Or disappointed. I’m feeling that quite often lately. Do I expect too much? Probably. I’m not an easy judge maybe. I’m not perfect…for dang sure.  I think I’m worried I won’t be around long enough to do what I need to do…to say what needs said..to pass on what needs passed.  Not that I am egotistical enough to think I have anthing to say that anyone wants to hear…I don’t at all. Honest.

I have health issues, that are severe and dangerous. Makes me think about death and dying more than the norm I guess. I keep trying to figure out what can I leave my kids that will mean anything to them in years to come? I know I have knowledge that could be passed on. But how do you make that heard? How do you pass it without looking like you’re writing your suicide note?

I want my family to get that I love them with all my heart. That they are what’s kept me going during the past 5 yrs of Hell that have been tough to staggar thru.  I forced myself to live with the thought that I could be of some type of help for them.  I have the 2 best kids ever created…yep, I’m biased…but they are good kids…never been smokers, or drinkers or druggers or slept around. They are respectful and good kids and I am proud of them. I couldn’t have chosen better kids…yes there are others kids who are genius level or doctors or whatever…but that means nothing because the emotional relationship I have with my kids beats any document hanging on a wall.

I am to the point in my life where I am tired of the superficial bullcrap called relationships. I’m one of those people who says what I think and feel…I used to be a “pleaser” and tried to make everyone else feel good….at the expense of my sanity. I grew up in a psycho house where yelling, hitting, and berating were the norm.  Women were hit, and belittled.  This does not fly with me now. If you want to live that way…fine…just don’t expose kids to it….but I pray no woman puts up with this crap..from their men…or their friends.

Girl friends can be vicous and 2 faced.  We are cruel to each other, usually for no reason. We find it easy to tear each other down…why? to make ourselves feel better? I dunno…but its sad…we should be supporting each other…helping each other…we are all struggling thru life…it’s hard.

I’m losing faith is relationships…but the “girlfriend” code…I thought that was pretty dang strong…atleast once you were outta highschool and stopped fighting over some pimply faced player…but it doesn’t necessariley end there does it?



You can’t believe your dream has come true!

A beautiful daughter, born just for you!

She is perfect in everyway

You gaze at her all night and day

You pray to God each and every night

That you can raise this perfect girl right

As she goes from dolls to boys

You smile as she and her friends giggle, even though you say “keep down that noise!”

She has become a gorgeous young lady who makes you beam with pride

And you fear no man is worthy to have her as his bride

She is far too pretty, too sweet and too kind!

So her suitors will be in a major bind

They must prove they deserve her love

That God sent him from above

Because that’s the only way he’ll pass moms test

Is if God himself says he’s more deserving than the rest

For she was MY girl first and always will be

Because the mother-daughter bond is FOREVER you see!

The Little Girl…part 3

Once the little girl began to put her feelings down on paper…in her new pink diary…she began to feel better about things.  She could put all her frustrations in there.  How angry she was at the adults in her life.  How scared and sad she was.  How embarrassed she was of her family.  Over the next few years she would rely on these diaries to keep her sane..on some of the pages she would write out her prayers to God.  Begging Him to help her.  Pleading for him to make her family be “normal” and for all the chaos to end.  She also began writing about good things too!  Boys she had crushes on, new friends she had made since they moved in middle school, she loved her new school!  It was bright and colorful and laid out entirely different from the school she came from.

She was a little shy, but quickly made some friends, boys and girls.  She was growing into a pretty girl or “young lady” as her Mi Mi would say.  The boys were noticing too.  She didn’t have a boyfriend in middle school, but she did think a few were cute!  She had a group of girl-friends she became close with…but she rarely had them over to her home, because things hadn’t changed there…the fighting, drinking and chaos continued.  She remained a very good student.  A “pleaser” as her teachers called her.  She was a nervous girl, biting her nails constantly.  She worried incessently about herself, her family, her belongings, her grades…everything.  She was so afraid of messing up or making a mistake or getting into trouble, she lived in near  coninuous fear…but it didn’t really show on the outside.  On the outside she was pretty, smart, outgoing and fun loving.  She was able to dress well, thanks to her Mi Mi …and her mom was a good thrift shopper too!  Dressing well was always important…everyone at her school dressed really great, with all the newest fads…there were alot of kids who had waaaay better clothes and shoes than she did, but for the most part, she blended in.

When she was 14 she was asleep one night…and something bad happened to her.  She was very traumatized by this event, and it started her down an even rockier path than she had already been going down…

To be continued…

Thank you so much for reading and for the comments, some public, some private that are all very encouraging!  I appreciate it very much!

Keep courage in the face of adversity.