Tag Archive | blah

Honored!

An honor from my very good friend Jolene!

 

Today started off bad.  I didn’t sleep well AGAIN last night.  Barely at all really.  I’m battling yet ANOTHER bladder infection, even though I’ve been very careful about being sterile while cathing.  I feel like death.  My eyes just burn and ache, my head feels foggy, I am soooo nauseated, my bladder hurts, I can barely go to the bathroom…without using the cath that is.  I just feel so fatigued and just …. BLAH again.

I went to see the urologist…he was happy that my residual was down…so I can stop cathing for awhile and see if my bladder can do what it’s supposed to do.  In the mean time he put me on a different antibiotic to see if it would clear up the infection…waiting on the culture to come back.

After that I had to go do some shopping for our upcoming weekend … the whole family is going to Indiana Beach for the weekend!  I should be thrilled, but feeling like I do….I can’t muster up much enthusiasm.  I will just do everything I can do to make sure EVERYONE else will have a good time…so I went and got all the food, lots of junk-food with some fruit and veggies thrown in here and there…lol, lots of water, flavored and otherwise…and all the paper-products and toiletries we will need.  While in the store I honestly thought I was gonna have to leave…I was in so much pain from the adhesions…they were ripping me apart…then throw in the bladder issues and then a wave a nausea that about made me pass out.  But I took some deep breaths and steadied myself and pressed on.  Sounds like I’m climbing Mt. Everest doesn’t it?  That’s pathetic…but sometimes something as simple as grocery shopping feels like climbing Mt. Everest!  People with chronic illnesses/pain struggle so much just to do ordinary things!

Anyway, got it all home and thank God for my baby Jess…she brought everything in and put it away…she helps me out so much…I’m very grateful for her.  Then I came in and got into my jammies, grabbed me some tea, sat on my bed and opened my laptop…and got such a wonderul suprise!

A very special friend of mine had left me this most wonderful message, that she had honored me with “A Most Lovely Blog” award…as she had also been honored by another blogger!  Jolene is a wonderful and inspiring writer!  She has so much empathy for others in pain, and struggles daily with her own.  She brings inspiration and hope to so many with her supportive words.  She has made me smile through tears on more than one occassion.  Her blog is wonderful and whether you are a chronic pain/illness survivor or not, you would really enjoy reading it!  http://gracefulagony.wordpress.com/

I will now start giving thought as to who I can pass on this honor too!  There are so many wonderful bloggers out there who inspire me!  Or make me laugh on days when I feel more like crying!  I’ll be working on choosing them over the next few days…in the mean time…let me just again tell Jolene just how much I admire her…aspire to be like her…feel blessed to have found her…and truly do feel like I’ve been reconnected with my long lost sister!  Thanks Jolene!  You made what was just another crappy day…into a special one!

PAY IT FORWARD!

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Blah days

Todays one of those days.  The “Blah days” I am getting so sick of.  It’s a Saturday.  Nothin to do.  No money to do it with really.  Everyone in the world seems to have something to do today, except for me.  I’m just sittin here with the dogs, watching MSNBC cuz there is nothing on tv….and piddling around with the computer.

Tired as hell.  But can never sleep.  Bored.  Sick of having so many health problems.  Sick of taking so many pills.  Sick of laying in this bed.  Sick of pretending to be positive.  Sick of worrying. Sick of trying to figure out where I went wrong in so many ways.  Sick of scheduling doc appointments and paying for all the medical bills.

I am just blah.  The rain has finally stopped.  But, it doesn’t really matter, since I have nothing to do anyway.  Makes me wish I had another friend.  One who was always available.  Right there every single time you had the need for a friend…of course, there is no such thing, because no one person can possibly be there for you every single time you would like for them to be…but it would be so nice….wouldn’t it?  Suddenly you feel lonely and bam!  Right there she is…to hang out with ya…nothin fancy, just sit and watch a movie or go to lunch…oh well….it’s like wishin for a genie in a bottle I guess.  Not gonna happen.

I am alone so much, I think I’m going bonkers.  lol.  I’m sick of the sight of my bedroom.  I feel like I am well into my 80’s…with all the pain/sickness and complete and utter boredom.  I’m 42/going on 82.  My life is seeming fairly useless at this point.

Guess I better read one of my “inspirational” books and get my mind out of this sewer of negativity again.  I’m up and down…but alot of down…all due to my health…if I was healthy, I believe I would be much happier with life.  Of course there would still be problems to deal with, but I could deal with life’s issues alot more efficiently with a healthy body.  I could enjoy life more with a body that wasn’t wracked with major pain every second of every day. I could be more carefree and excited about living.

I try and try to stay upbeat and positive and grateful for all the good things in my life…and I succeed many days in being happy.  But the underlying pain/illness is always just under the surface…ready to jump out and rip out my guts.  I’m shopping with Jess and we’re having fun and laughing and POW the pain tears thru my belly like a machette…and wipes the smile and fun off my face, and ends our enjoyment.

I’m at work, loving my job…caring for my patients, whom I have so much empathy for, knowing just exactly how they feel and what they are going through…and ZAP…major pain strikes again.  And I must sit and not do the job as well as I would want to, because I can barely breathe thru my pain.

I’m watching a funny movie with the family and being so blessed….when BAM….the pain zips thru me so unexpectedly I have no time to brace, and tears come to my eyes, but I don’t cry, because that would hurt much more than help.

I dress up and try to go out with my husband and look decent…only to feel ugly when the pain makes me have to slump and not smile or enjoy anything that’s happening.  I sit stonefaced, while the fun goes on around me.

Of course I am thankful to just be here.  Yes I am.  I want to be here.  Even if it means suffering every minute.  I want to be here to see my family.  To be in there lives.  To help them when and if I can.  To try to be a part of the world.  To try to help anyone I can.  To try to keep figuring out why I’m here.  What my purpose is.  What can I bring to the world.  What will my mark be?

Just getting thru one of my blah days. 

Trying to find the sun.

Learing to deal in a positive way.

The life I’m tryin to run.

Tomorrow will be better.

I will find the sun.

God is in my life.

He knows I’m dealing with strife.

The lessons I am learning.

All while yearning.

For a life without pain.

Believing in God.

A happy life I will gain.

Have a wonderful weekend all my internet friends!  Wish you were here with me, to help me thru my yucky day…but I guess you are!