Tag Archive | abdomen

Helpless

Well…for those who do not know, I broke my ankle/foot last Saturday.  I was leaving our local outdoor mall where my husband and I had just went to see a movie, then had gone to Cold Stone for some ice cream…that was amazing by the way (Coffee Lovers). It was dark, I was walking at a normal pace, I think I was switching my purse from one arm to the other when SNAP!  This bomb exploded in my right ankle and the fire spread up my leg, and my butt hit the ground…I had fallen off the curb, and I looked to my husband in shock…not only from what was occurring right then, but because exactly one week previously at the same mall I had tripped UP a curb and fallen forward and skinned, bloodied and bruised my knees, ribs, elbows and ripped my new jeans!

I mean what is wrong with me? Now I can’t even walk? Suddenly I have no clue how to maneuver curbs?  Like my son said (in the same sarcastic tone of his mom) “Do you see curbs and think you can DEFY them??” lol.  Now here I am, on the ground, people milling by, my husband is freaking out and I am as usual trying not to call attention to myself or my predicament, telling him to go get the car and bring it to the curb…I’m holding my foot, sitting on the curb, yet trying to act like this was the most normal thing in the world to be doing…I swear if I was out in public and my arm fell off, I would hold it up and pretend it was still attached until I was alone or at home.  Why am I like that? I have no clue.

I have had many sprained ankles and even broken them before.  I was younger then.  I didn’t have all these other health issues then.  I wasn’t already dealing with major pain then.  This is HARD.  I have this heavy Frankenstein boot on my RIGHT foot (can’t drive), using crutches is next to impossible because it requires using your abdominal muscles, which I don’t have and it makes my hernia buldge out as far as it can.  I cannot put ANY weight on my foot for six weeks.  So for the first week, I literally stayed in bed, only using the crutches for short trips to the potty.  I have a wheelchair from previous illness, but it’s a transport chair with the little wheels, so you can’t wheel it yourself…not that I could anyway with my abdomen issues, but we have been using it when I must be taken to doctor appointments.  Today we went and rented me a knee walker, thinking that would be the perfect thing, just rest my bad leg on it and scoot around the house! 

 First of all, it’s a damn crime how much these things cost to rent!  $150 per month! Or more at some places!  Buying them is double or triple that.  So I’ve been kinda using it around the house tonight…I have ran over my good foot twice, got myself in our tiny bathroom and couldn’t get it turned around to get out, same with my tiny kitchen (galley type), and my good leg is now exhausted from scooting around the walker!  I’m a walking catastrophe!

I know my husband and daughter are sooo sick of waiting on me.  I honest to God try to limit my needs.  But just the basics really add up.  We don’t realize how much we need or do until we are asking others to do it for us!  I mean, a glass of water…oh maybe a snack…oh, my purse, where’s that magazine? I need the phone please.  Heating pad?  Ice pack?  Meds?  Remote?  Extra blanket?  Turn fan on?  Dvd?  Feed fish?  Feed/Water dogs?  Let them out?  Let them in?  Breakfast?  Lunch?  Dinner?  Lotion?  Kleenex?  Someones at the door!

 And don’t get me started on taking a shower!  It’s like a national event!  I can’t do it alone, getting in and out that is…so, its like this “Ok, I need undergarments from that dresser over there I can’t get to cuz the wheelchair is in front of it, I need clothes from that closet I can’t get to cuz the box fan is in front of it..no not that shirt, the blue one..no, not that blue one…oh nevermind, I’ll wear a blue bonjovi tshirt with orange flowered pajama pants, who cares?…okay, now I’ll hobble down the hall, can you get me a towel and wash rag please? Get undressed with an audience, be assisted into the tub to sit on the shower chair…feeling exposed and embarrassed…shower head not pointed at me right…please point it so the water is actually hitting me?  Finally I can close the curtain for privacy and wash…drop the soap, drop the razor…an Intuition, which falls into three pieces, I can’t get them…I give up on shaving.  Finished, now freezing, trying to dry off, need help to get out of the tub and getting dressed…more embarrassment.  Then must ask them to take my dirty clothes away and help me back to bed or recliner.  I do not like others having to mess with my dirty clothing.

By the end of that we are all exhausted.  I am hurting so bad I could not imagine anything hurting worse, but I shouldn’t say that cuz God may decide to show me differently.  I am really feeling picked on.  I feel like people must think I’m some kind of whining baby, but really…this is some crazy shit that has happened to me in the last five years!  I have been thru more crap than anyone I know for sure.  I don’t get it…I’m a good person, really I am.  Am I truly cursed?  Is there such a thing?  Am I really being punished for something in a past life?  Am I here for a purpose?  Is my suffering for a purpose?  Why is my family being tortured?  I feel horrible for them. They are having to be my servants for God sakes!  Like I said, I am alone alot, so once one of them gets here, I am in need of things!  Not to mention just some human conversation!  It’s a bummer to say the least.

I hate being helpless and needing so much help.  REALLY hate it.  I try to have them get anything I think I may need all in one trip, and will just not say anything if in fact they forgot something I needed…even if its a fork for my meal! lol.  I have been dealing with illness and pain for a long time now, and was helpless for part of that…but I was a very drugged and in a coma type of helpless then, so it wasn’t quite as distressing as it is now.  The holidays are coming…will I be healed by then?  I have Christmas shopping to do…and I do NOT like to do that with my husband…lol, that is something I prefer to do alone, so I don’t want to have a “babysitter” to drive me around then! 

The worst time though is around four in the morning.  I have been asleep maybe two hours, and suddenly am bolted awake by severe burning ankle/foot pain!  It feels as if someone is beating it with a sledgehammer, while simultaneously setting it ablaze!  I get the boot off and put on an icepack that I have thankfully thought to request before everyone went to bed, I take an extra dose of pain medication, hoping I don’t OD!  There is no comfortable way to sleep.  IF I sleep at all.  I’m so tired right now, but I know I couldn’t just lay back and sleep.  I need a shower, but no one has had a moment to help me with that today…maybe tomorrow.

It’s no fun to be helpless, in pain and alone.

STUPID CURBS!

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Blog Carnival Introduction!

Well first of all let me say this is my FIRST blog carnival!  I had never heard of them before my wonderful cyber-friend Jolene (of Graceful Agony) introduced me to them.  What a wonderful idea!  I have had so much fun reading blogs since discovering them in February. Yes, I know blogs have been around long before that, but I just never actually READ them.  That is until I decided to start my own after another friend started one…he has since quit blogging, even though he’s a talented writer and should be writing all the time…but  that’s when I found Jolene’s Graceful Agony blog, and it really inspired me!  She is a wonderful person and a gifted writer and everyone needs to be reading her blog at http://gracefulagony.wordpress.com/ …but enough about her….this blog is supposed to be all about ME! lol (said jokingly of course!) 😉

Me.  Well, at risk of boring most of you I will keep the life history of yours truly as short as possible.  I’m a forty-two year old married mom of two wonderful children, a 22 y/o man and a 16 y/o young lady and of course I love them both more than any words could ever convey.  My husband is very devoted and supportive.  I have two dogs who keep me entertained and provide me with unconditional love and affection.  My childhood was very rough and dysfunctional to say the least, but I won’t type all that out, as it is pretty much portrayed in some of my earlier blogs (The Little Girl). I love to read and to write.  My favorite color is pink…but I wear alot of black and white because its easy…lol.  I love dogs and babies.  My fave tv show is The Office.  I love Steve Carell and Will Farrell.  I love all music, rock, pop, country, spiritual, jazz and more.  I love Chinese and Mexican foods the most.  I like a good margarita once in awhile.  I love good movies…especially the classics…Cary Grant, Bette Davis, Deborah Kerr…those are great movies!  I bite my nails til they bleed. I worry too much. I am a denti-phobe to the nth degree. So that’s a little about me, now here is about my chronic pain/illness!

My “adulthood” was going along fine until about 1998 when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, after a few years of having mysterious aches and pains, and going from doctor to doctor.  None of the meds they ever tried me on helped much…so I just didn’t take anything other than over the counter meds after awhile…and just gritted my teeth and got on with life.

Then I started having pelvic pain that just wouldn’t quit. So in 2005 my OBGYN at the time said a hysterectomy would solve my problems…but that he would leave my ovaries so I wouldn’t go into early menopause.  I was all for anything that would stop the pain that was really affecting my daily life at times. I woke up from that surgery in more pain than he had led me to believe there would be and found out that I had hemmorhaged during the hysterectomy and required a few units of blood…but that other than that everything went peachy…by his standards I guess.

I recovered from that hysterectomy, but continued to have pelvic pain.  I decided in my infinite wisdom to find a different OBGYN as I wasn’t entirely impressed with the other…which now in hindsight was quite possibly a life-changing decision.  The new doc was young, handsome and had a great bedside manner.  He impressed me with his knowledge and I believed him when he said that my pain was probably due to the cysts on my ovaries and if they came out the pain may stop as well.  Now, my thinking was…that of course the pain would stop…there would be nothing else in that area to cause the pain…right?  So, I was too trusting and didn’t do much research into any of it and actually was looking forward to the operation to get those “things” out of my body so the pain would stop. I would take that pain back in a split second compared to the pain I must now endure.

That surgery changed my life forever. I will make it as short as I can.  During the operation the doc punctured my intestine and failed to recognize it.  He went to Disneyland for vacation…I ended up in ICU on a vent and medically induced coma, and remember very little for a few months after the operation except alot of pain and being restrained to the bed to keep from me pulling all the different lines and tubes out.  I ended up over the next year having around fifteen abdominal operations, part of my intestine removed, having ostomies, wound vacs attached to my abdomen where the wound was left open (about the size of a softball) and the hose was attached to a machine that vacuumed out the contents for months, I was fed thru a line inserted under my collar-bone, I had other peripheral lines up around my arm pits, or in my upper arm…which frequently ended up giving me blood infections that I also almost died from, I spent most of that year in 3 different hospitals, and some of it at home with home care nurses and my family working to care for me around the clock.My husband and family became my nurses.  I missed many family events of course during all of this…basically I missed my sons entire senior year and my daughters sixth grade year.  To shorten this section up, I will end it by saying the last surgery managed to close up my abdomen, but the pain is non-stop due to massive adhesions (my insides are basically like hardened cement…organs glued together and to the abdominal wall), the nerve pain called neuromas from the constant cutting, and I have no abdominal muscle wall at all in the front…I have a ventral hernia from my breastbone to my pubic bone and my intestines lay right under the skin/fat layer.  I can’t eat alot of foods due to digestion problems.  I must wear an abdominal binder 24/7 to help ease the pain and hold the hernia in.  I go to a pain center every month and must take narcotics to even take the edge off the pain.  I can’t do alot of the things I used to do, no bike riding, no running, no hard exercising of any kind…basically I can’t do anything that requires using abdominal muscles.  The pain is relentless and hard to even describe to people, it is like your insides are on fire while at the same time being shredded.  To say it makes everyday life difficult is an understatement, but I am alive. Living with pain, but alive.

So, since I know that was long…even though I really did leave ALOT of stuff out! I will finish up here.  About the time I started blogging and finding others out there who were suffering with chronic pain just as I was, there was alot of depressing thoughts going through my head.  I was feeling down and useless at times, and still do occassionally.  But I am a fighter, I always have been.  Stubborn some people would say I guess.  But it’s that stubborness that got me through that horrific nightmare that I lived through…and continue to live through. Stubborness and a wicked sense of humor!  I read self-help books and look for inspiring blogs on the web.  I pray alot. I always said I would continue to live for my childrens sake.  I now feel I will continue to live for MY sake.  Even though there are so many days that I am crying in the fetal position and ready to jump off the nearest bridge, I eventually dry my eyes and decide that I won’t give up that easily.  I want to live, even if it’s with pain that would bring most people to their knees, I want to experience life…to see the beautiful sunsets/sunrises, all the beauty nature provides, and to see my family, my children, my grandchildren.  I love blogging because it’s free therapy for me.  I can vent, I can inspire, I can joke (sarcasm is my specialty!), I can pretend that someone out there actually cares!

Wow…this really did turn out long…if it’s too long I guess my buddy Jolene will have to tell me to shorten it up and I will!  I’m thrilled to be involved in this carnival and look forward to hearing everyones story! To anyone who suffered thru MY long story…thank you for reading!