Raise the door. ..

I sat in my car tonight.  Motor running.  In the garage.  Door shut.  Tears flowing.  Spirit broken.  Faith gone.  What a relief it would be to just go to sleep and never wake up.  No more responsibilities.  No more judgements.  No more questions.  No more answers.  No more problems.  No more stress.  No more frustration.  No more bullshit.

Raise the door ? Or finally be free?


6 thoughts on “Raise the door. ..

  1. I’ve been there.
    I’ve tried.
    I would never judge.
    The darkness can suck us in, become so inviting.
    I have things I rely on now to help me.
    First…Reach out, don’t try to do this alone.
    Here’s what I also think about.

    We must remember the only thing constant in life is change. We never know what the future may hold. We may feel like we do but, it changes. Only when we can accept that the good and bad will change will we truly be at peace. We have to be totally OK with both…knowing neither will last forever.
    Does that mean your illnesses will miraculously disappear, probably not, but there will be good moments you will treasure.
    I’m sure there are many moments you can look back on that you hold dear and would never give up that have happened since you have become so ill.
    We can’t hang on to the miseries of the past, it is gone.
    What we have is this moment.
    This moment right here.
    The next isn’t here yet…who knows what it may hold.

    I hold these thoughts close, when the darkness surrounds me. I try hard to focus only on this moment. And trying to do the next best thing.

    My husband was there when they found his mother when she tried to commit suicide.
    It really messed him up for a very long time…he finally was able to deal with it over 30 years later. I think of this too. I couldn’t do that to him.

    You are loved by many.
    Never forget that.

    • I just wanted to add…
      If you ever want to talk, I’m here.
      I haven’t walked in your shoes, but I’ve been where you are.
      Too many times.
      We all need a helping hand from time to time.
      You are not alone, I promise.

      With love,

  2. Was just thinking those same thoughts last night. Wishing I had the courage to just find a way to make everything stop. But I’m such a chicken, I got up and went into the living room and hubby & I found a movie to watch. Turned out to be a pretty good movie. I’m okay now…for now. I chose to get up out of my chair instead of sitting in the dark, alone with my miserable thoughts. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for so many years now, I can’t count how many times I was teetering on that cliff (you know the one, Thelma) ….. but strangely, I never went through with it. Not sure I can tell you why either. I’m still here, for now. Maybe just so I can tell you that you are not alone….when that dark mist settles around your spirit and you feel like you can’t bear to take another breath… think of me, and all your struggling sisters out here keeping our heads above water…..together we can do this thing called life. And you better not fly off that cliff without me dammit. lol I love you. Raise the door, sister. xoxo

  3. Thanks ladies. It’s just been one prob after another lately. My back is out. .added work adhesions, hernia, lupus, digestive probs, arthritis. ..and being a caregiver 24/7 for 2 dying grandparents. ..it’s taking its toll. Going to sleep permanently seems the only viable escape at times. But I won’t. ..I have 2 many people depending on me. .. it’s just hard. Feeling defeated lately. It’s hard to take care of myself with all my health issues. ..I’m running on fumes. This 2 shall pass. …ugh. thx again tho.

  4. My dear,
    I’m feeling like, this has to change.
    I am so dependent, for everything.
    I don’t want my husband to feel like you do about caring for your grandparents.
    It’s killing me.
    I can’t take it anymore, yet I don’t know what that means.
    and he has no one who will give him any breaks…and no, that isn’t any help at all.

    I took care of my mother as she was dying of cancer.
    no help…just here and there.
    it was really no help at all.
    but I will tell you, I look back on that time now and which I had more.
    I treasure every moment of it.
    and think of certain days, certain words, that we spent together when no one else cared enough to help. and I know I had those times, and no one else will ever have that.
    No one else will know those precious moments.
    I have something, no one else has.

    My husband would have those anyway.
    He should have better.
    I had a good spell last year, and he told me he missed me.
    He missed his wife, his happy wife, his wife that could do things with him.
    Now I’m even worse.
    How can I do this to him.
    Yet, he tells me he would be a bitter man if I were gone.

    I just want to leave…to go somewhere.
    I don’t know if death would be better, so I won’t go there.
    But I can’t go anywhere without him.
    We moved because he lost his job.
    I have no friends here.
    Heck I lost most of my friends before.
    I can’t drive.
    I’m afraid to leave the house most of the time.
    I just want to go away for a while.
    Give him a break.
    Give me a break.
    There’s no where to go.

    Something has to change.

    I hope things get better for you.

    I’ve missed you blogging though.

    • Wendy. ..sorry it took me so long to reply. ..my life hadn’t been my own for so long. I forget I have a blog. Please don’t read my blogs and feel bad that you depend on your husband for your needs…is not your fault and he wouldn’t do it if he didn’t love you . My grandma would hate to know how badly caring for her has affected me…if I was healthy, it wouldn’t be an issue. I love her and loved my grandpa also and wanted to take care of them. It’s just my own health Crap and pain that makes it miserable. After just pulling my grandma up in bed and changing her last nite, I spent a half hour crying due to my physical pain. Some days are worse than others. ..but the past 6 months have been hell. ..without an end in sight. ..but I will survive it. I hope. Thanks for reading my sporadic posts. ..it helps me to purge all my negative emotions when I write. ..I should do it more often. …lol xo

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