“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together…Keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever!” I love this quote. I’ve had reasons to contemplate death alot as of late. A family member passed way to early. My grandfather is battling aggressive prostate cancer. My 93 y/o grandmother is declining, my own health continues to unravel…with all its painful agony and the medical community having decided I’m far to wrecked to even attempt any further surgeries to even try to alleviate some of my intense pain, to try to open up the tunnels of my intestines to working order again…to try to get my digestion to start working normally again…but no. Everyone I’ve seen has notified me I am to big a risk for them and for rmyself…that it would cause more problems than it would solve. But yet they can offer me nothing more than a handful of strong medications to help ease the pain…it does far from that let me tell you…it eases very little…just enough though that I do take them. They may afford me a day where I can actually clean my house! Fold my clothes! Brush my dogs! These are big things to me! People think I’m joking when I say mopping my small kitchen floor is no different than climbing Mount Everest to my pain riddled body. I did it this past week…the pain and agony I’ve had since then was not worth it. My abdominal adhesions are burning like hot coals have been inserted into that melted, folded, infected piece of cadaver mesh they placed over my open organs after the muscle wall had been cut away….the adhesions have my insides glued to each other, to other organs…breathing, laughing, sneezing, blowing my nose…all cause the most excruciating agony…but the “pain management team” try their best to follow all the docs direction to just manage her pain until the trauma the medical profession themselves created gets to the point there is no option but to make another cut into the now deformed and misplaced organs…to find the possibly fatal blockage or gangrened piece of intestine that needs to come out…to save my life, even though many have said I would never make it off the table. What kind of hope is that to give to an already scared and suffering patient who has been let down by the medical community? I have had no hope since 2006. But my health has gradually been going downhill since then.
I’m to the point of only drinking Ensure, mashed tatos, Ramen noodles and white breads and Saltine crackers…with the occasional small piece of boiled chicken or fish. No garlic or onion. No beans. No nuts or seeds, no dairy, no fruits or veggies…just a low residue diet…oh, and lots of Gatorade. In the last month the pain has increased and the BM’s have greatly decreased from maybe 2 a month to one..maybe, but its either an impaction the size of a volleyball that requires all of a labor process ending with me in a bloody, tear stained lump of exhaustion on the bathroom floor…or, the newest, me waking up in my own waste with no warning whatsoever…I have no indication when I need to go…but it sneaks out in my sleep…not alot…but enough to be a real bad morning surprise.
So I call this Insult to Injury…Not only was I butchered to the point my insides will never be functional and I must live each minute of my life in enough pain that seriously make me question if I want to continue on in this life…but now I must face being incontinent of stool, where I feel I can’t leave my home in case it should happen while I’m out…I was already a prisoner to my pain, but now must add my bodily functions to the handcuff chains that bind me here.
The hernias themselves are hurting more, now also the pelvic floor prolapse, making it feel as if there is a tree trunk inserted in my female parts at all times…this is not a pleasant feeling to say the least…it is miserable and is making me feel less and less human each day…certainly less female or womanly.
I’m not giving up…though I must say in the past 2 months that HAS seemed the only thing to do…throw in the towel…stop trying…stop thinking anything will ever get any better…just stop! But nope…that’s not me…I’m gonna keep on fighting…keep researching for an answer…keep looking up doctors who might be able to offer me something…maybe not a miracle but just a little something to make my life a tad less crappy…I sill keep looking…cuz I have things left to do in this world!
My son and his fiance are having twins next May or so, and I need to be here for them, to help them with this joyous addition to our loving and tight family! To be here for the grandsons already here who are now preparing for having 2 new siblings…they will be needing their own extra attention and I wanna be here to give it to them!
My 18 y/o daughter who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside needs me here to help guide her thru all the new things life is coming at her with since graduating highschool, having a learning disability forces her to fight battles of her own as far as further schooling and finding a suitable career that she can attain within the scope of her disabilities. She is such a beautiful, funny, innocent, naive and loving human being, who deserves all the joy she can get out of life…and she needs me to help guide her.
My husband who has been my nurse for so many years still needs me around, though I can’t imagine why he would want me here with all the mess I bring to his world…me being ill all the time doesn’t make for a very attractive wife…no big nights out on the town…can’t even clean alot of days…thankfully Jess kicks in there…but Jim still needs me…so I can continue to tell him the “right” way to do everything of course! lol I don’t know why, but he claims he still wants me…so I’m his.
I’m gonna keep fighting…keep trying to help others whenever I can … do what I can to leave something good for my family.
Thanks for reading the ramblings of a very tired, sick and frustrated middle aged woman…I’m not checking spelling or anything, my writing is free flow and just the way I talk mostly…hope it made sense. Have a great week..