Insult to Injury

Image

 

 

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together…Keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever!”  I love this quote. I’ve had reasons to contemplate death alot as of late. A family member passed way to early. My grandfather is battling aggressive prostate cancer. My 93 y/o grandmother is declining, my own health continues to unravel…with all its painful agony and the medical community having decided I’m far to wrecked to even attempt any further surgeries to even try to  alleviate some of my intense pain, to try to open up the tunnels of my intestines to working order again…to try to get my digestion to start working normally again…but no. Everyone I’ve seen has notified me I am to big a risk for them and for rmyself…that it would cause more problems than it would solve. But yet they can offer me nothing more than a handful of strong medications to help ease the pain…it does far from that let me tell you…it eases very little…just enough though that I do take them. They may afford me a day where I can actually clean my house! Fold my clothes! Brush my dogs! These are big things to me! People think I’m joking when I say mopping my small kitchen floor is no different than climbing Mount Everest to my pain riddled body. I did it this past week…the pain and agony I’ve had since then was not worth it. My abdominal adhesions are burning like hot coals have been inserted into that melted, folded, infected piece of cadaver mesh they placed over my open organs after the muscle wall had been cut away….the adhesions have my insides glued to each other, to other organs…breathing, laughing, sneezing, blowing my nose…all cause the most excruciating agony…but the “pain management team” try their best to follow all the docs direction to just manage her pain until the trauma the medical profession themselves created gets to the point there is no option but to make another cut into the now deformed and misplaced organs…to find the possibly fatal blockage or gangrened piece of intestine that needs to come out…to save my life, even though many have said I would never make it off the table. What kind of hope is that to give to an already scared and suffering patient who has been let down by the medical community? I have had no hope since 2006. But my health has gradually been going downhill since then.

I’m to the point of only drinking Ensure, mashed tatos, Ramen noodles and white breads and Saltine crackers…with the occasional small piece of boiled chicken or fish. No garlic or onion. No beans. No nuts or seeds, no dairy, no fruits or veggies…just a low residue diet…oh, and lots of Gatorade. In the last month the pain has increased and the BM’s have greatly decreased from maybe 2 a month to one..maybe, but its either an impaction the size of a volleyball that requires all of a labor process ending with me in a bloody, tear stained lump of exhaustion on the bathroom floor…or, the newest, me waking up in my own waste with no warning whatsoever…I have no indication when I need to go…but it sneaks out in my sleep…not alot…but enough to be a real bad morning surprise.

So I call this Insult to Injury…Not only was I butchered to the point my insides will never be functional and I must live each minute of my life in enough pain that seriously make me question if I want to continue on in this life…but now I must face being incontinent of stool, where I feel I can’t leave my home in case it should happen while I’m out…I was already a prisoner to my pain, but now must add my bodily functions to the handcuff chains that bind me here.

The hernias themselves are hurting more, now also the pelvic floor prolapse, making it feel as if there is a tree trunk inserted in my female parts at all times…this is not a pleasant feeling to say the least…it is miserable and is making me feel less and less human each day…certainly less female or womanly.

I’m not giving up…though I must say in the past 2 months that HAS seemed the only thing to do…throw in the towel…stop trying…stop thinking anything will ever get any better…just stop! But nope…that’s not me…I’m gonna keep on fighting…keep researching for an answer…keep looking up doctors who might be able to offer me something…maybe not a miracle but just a little something to make my life a tad less crappy…I sill keep looking…cuz I have things left to do in this world!

My son and his fiance are having twins next May or so, and I need to be here for them, to help them with this joyous addition to our loving and tight family! To be here for the grandsons already here who are now preparing for having 2 new siblings…they will be needing their own extra attention and I wanna be here to give it to them!

My 18 y/o daughter who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside needs me here to help guide her thru all the new things life is coming at her with since graduating highschool, having a learning disability forces her to fight battles of her own as far as further schooling and finding a suitable career that she can attain within the scope of her disabilities. She is such a beautiful, funny, innocent, naive and loving human being, who deserves all the joy she can get out of life…and she needs me to help guide her.

My husband who has been my nurse for so many years still needs me around, though I can’t imagine why he would want me here with all the mess I bring to his world…me being ill all the time doesn’t make for a very attractive wife…no big nights out on the town…can’t even clean alot of days…thankfully Jess kicks in there…but Jim still needs me…so I can continue to tell him the “right” way to do everything of course! lol I don’t know why, but he claims he still wants me…so I’m his.

I’m gonna keep fighting…keep trying to help others whenever I can … do what I can to leave something good for my family.

Thanks for reading the ramblings of a very tired, sick and frustrated middle aged woman…I’m not checking spelling or anything, my writing is free flow and just the way I talk mostly…hope it made sense. Have a great week..

Tammy

 

Image

 

 

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Insult to Injury

  1. Tammy, So sorry to hear that you can no longer eat solid foods. I feel for you. Even though we had lost touch You were always in my prayers and never far from my thoughts.
    ❤ BIG HUGS ❤
    Kim

    • Thanks for reading Kim! I can still eat a few things, like white bread, saltines, potatoes, peanut butter, an occassional egg beaters, jello (wich I hate so dont eat), and occassional Ramen (but the spices seem to cause some issues)…and once in awhile a bland grilled fish or chicken breast…but even those 2 things have proved to cause greater issues in the past month. So…as you know, when things get like this, your vitamins and electrolytes get all whacked out…I’m trying to get used to taking a liquid vitamin, but since its in fridge…where I don’t go often…I forget more often than remember it. I’m so fatigued its terrible. Not sure when ya get to the point of going on TPN or tube feeds, but its probably in my future…but anyway…thanks for reading Kim, thanks for finding me again! I always thought of you as well! I couldn’t remember your last name though! Another thing thats gone to hell…my memory! lol

  2. I was just going to write you a message on FB to check in and see how you have been doing……I am glad you wrote this entry on your blog so I could catch up with what’s been going on. I am so sorry that things are continuing the way they have been…..there are really no words I can say except that I am so proud of you for being so brave in the face of such agony. You are my hero and my inspiration and your life reminds me of something I saw one day while waiting at a stop light…..there I was in my van, waiting at a red light when I looked down at the concrete curb…..there, in the midst of the hard concrete, coming up out of a crumbling crack, was a tall, willowy weed poking up……standing tall. (you know some weeds are really beautiful.. :o) ) Anyway, I gazed at that weed, thinking….how the heck did that thing manage to find it’s way through that hard concrete crack, and come up, standing so tall, waving in the breeze?? How did it manage to find the sun to make it grow and survive and even flourish, despite such hard surroundings? All alone but so beautiful and alive. I smiled at it’s tenacity, at it’s resolve, just for the fact that it “was”……. I’ve never forgotten that beautiful lesson…. that even in the midst of the harshest environment, life can flourish. When I read your post, it brought that lesson back to me. You are even more amazing, and beautiful, and tenacious. I love you and am so glad you are my friend. xoxoxoxo

  3. Tammy, I know how sick you have been feeling but seeing you write in words is utterly breaking my heart. You know I wish I could do anything I can and by now I HOPE you have checked up on that new Dr. PLEASE, If you want me to do it for you, just say the wordl I’m sorry, more than you know that you are in this pain, you’ve been in it for a long time and I just want to know that you have had the best doctors, no matter where, examine you and your case. don’t give up trying, Tam. we’re family. Hang in there sweetheart, because without you, I wouldn’t have anyone to play with at the old age home, drinking our mushed up pina coladas!! I love you. take care,cya on line tomorrow. gentle hugs.

  4. I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard not to feel hopeless when you face daily pain that is as severe as yours. I admire your hope and positive attitude and wanted to congratulate you on your coming grandchildren!

  5. I am truly sorry that your health continues to worsen; I can’t imagine coping with the level of pain you endure every day.

    I wish I could find the words to express how I feel when I read of your sorrows. They rattle around in my head, but don’t hold the meaning I intend when I try to put them “on paper.”

    I know I need you; for the inspirational and insightful posts you make on facebook; for your strength in a sea of pain; for the strong sense of family and for being you.

    I hold you in my thoughts and my prayers. Gentle, fluffy, comfy (((((hugs))))) being sent your way.

  6. As I lay in my bed trying to decide if I am to the point of needing to go to the hospital. I can honestly say I can relate to every single aspect of your pain. I have been dealing with this since 1993. I had my first surgery ever in June of 1993 and the Drs. could not believe I had never had a surgery before due to the fact that I was completely filled with adhesions…..on my abdominal wall, covering all my organs, and my intestines were totally wrapped in adhesions. After removing these adhesions they proceded with my hysterectomy. And since June of 1993 I have been through pure hell! In Oct. of 93 they did a laparoscopy at which time the adhesions were matted all over my abdominal wall, so when they went in with the scope they perforated my small bowel so instead of an outpatient procedure, I wake up with 8 inches of my small intestine gone and a 3 week hospital stay. I have had so many bowel surgeries and lysis of adhesions, been hospitalized numerous times.

    • I’m sorry I haven’t replied, its been awhile since I have been blogging really. But I’m going to start again I think…I am so sorry the nightmare you have endured, so like myself…and can’t wake up due to the relentless pain. No one can help me, just pain control, which is a joke. I have felt like I died on November 3, 2005 and the 222 days in hospitals having 16 surgeries. ostomies, wound vacs. central lines. sepsis, etc. I kinda gave up a little…but I’m living now…and will enjoy as best I can any time I have left on this planet…but I do hate to hear that anyone had to go thru the same hell as I…thank u for commenting and sharing your story with me…feel free to look me up on fb if you like…I have found a lot of good friends on there who suffer for the same awful reasons as we…God bless.
      T

  7. In 1997 I was sent to the Gastro Clinic at Cleveland Clinic. The best move any of my drs. ever did for me. Dr. Fazio which was the Head of the Dept at the time, but has since retired is the specialist I saw when I went. He recommended this surgery and a surgeon in Dayton performed it and I was pain free for 7 years and after that 7 years I am right back to where I was. The surgery he recommended was for the colon/rectal surgeon to open me up, lay out ALL my intestines and remove all the adhesions, put what is called a baker’s tube throughout my intestines and out of my side for 3 weeks, and to put septra-film all around my intestine’s and in my abdomen. Like I said I was painfree for 7 years and then all the problems and pain returned. I have been sent to Ohio State University Hospital….no luck. It is a vicious cycle…my GI doc says there is nothing more he can do and I needed to see my surgeon, who said I needed to see my Internal Medicine doc, who started the whole circle again. So Cleveland here I come.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s