EVERY Life Matters:

With all the major health issues I must contend with on a daily basis, I am left with alot of time to think, read, listen, watch and learn. Also, being 44 years old (which sounds bizarro to my ears!) has allowed me a few years on this Earth to learn a few things. When I’m at my sickest, and the fear of dieing creeps into my head, I lay and think of all the things I haven’t accomplished yet that I need to. I think of things I will miss if I die. I think of the things I have done and accomplished over my life…and I usually end up feeling it’s not enough.

I feel everyone is probably here for a reason, whether big or small, we all have something we are contributing to this world. Myself, I wanted to be a part of healthcare or a teacher growing up. I managed to become a nurse, and I generally loved caring for people…and as a nurse you do get opportunities to teach others as well, so I guess I met my goals I had set. But the problem is, my nursing career was ended due to health problems after only ten years. I miss caring for others in a healthcare setting. Of course as a mother of 2, I have gotten to keep my nursing skills up a bit, and as a parent you are always teaching…so that feels good.

I’m not done with my life. I know there’s more for me to do. I have more to give. My health prevents me from doing everything I want to do now. I would love to be back nursing, or to go back to school to be trained for something else that I could do…but health and money will prevent that.  It seems all I am capable of doing now is laying in bed worrying about health and money problems.

Talking with my 92 y/o grandmother though, I think we all feel we want to have left something good of ourselves before we leave this Earth. We want to feel we mattered. She is a woman I greatly admire. She had to grow up fast since her mom died when she was only five years old, and then had to endure the abuse of a mean step mother after that. But she was a strong woman and she got away from there and came to Indiana from Missouri with a couple girl friends in her early twenties, this would’ve been in the early 1940’s. She worked the next 45 years in a factory, hard work for a woman, and all while raising 4 children on her own after leaving an abusive marriage. Then grandchildren came along for her and she helped to raise them as well…and then great grand children and she was and is still helping with them all, including me. She cannot walk as well, and not without a walker. She can’t drive anymore. She doesn’t cook or clean anymore. She sits and reads alot, and still watches her news programs and politics.

She has voiced the thought that her work here is done, she feels she cant be productive anymore or do much for anyone anymore, but I told her how wrong she was! I NEED her here. I depend on our daily talks and my weekly visits. When something, good or bad, happens…she’s the first I think of calling. She always was and is a very strong and independant woman. She was all that before it was normal to be so. Her life has mattered. She wasn’t a doctor or lawyer, she didn’t invent anything or save a life…but she raised many children, she instilled good values and morals. She taught us the importance of family and respect and love. She was and is and always will be a class act.

So, I’m hoping that in someway I am also leaving behind this type of legacy for my family. I wish I was healthier and stronger, so I could help my family more. If I could work I could help financially. I could go more places with them and be involved in more activities. But for right now, I’m going to have to be satisfied with what I can do for others…and hope that I’m teaching love, respect and strength to my children as it was taught to me. I hope that I will be deserving of their admiration someday.

Family is very important to me. My kids are the two most precious gifts I could offer this world, and I know for certain their lives matter.

We all matter to someone. We all give something. We all teach someone something. We all have to care for each other. We do what we can.

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10 thoughts on “EVERY Life Matters:

  1. What a wonderful tribute to your grandmother. She sounds like an incredible woman who has been through a lot, but remains a strong and importance presence in your life.
    I also believe we are all here for some purpose whether or not it is clear what that purpose is at times.
    Your kind, encouraging and caring comments (and what you share on facebook) really matter; you’ve made a difference. Despite your own health issues, you show compassion for others which is very special.
    And, you have raised two wonderful children; that too is a gift you have given.
    So, you and your grandmother are special people. Thank you for sharing her and giving so much of yourself.

    • Wow Phy! Thank you so very much! You are such a great friend and just an all around great person! You are compasionate and caring aout others even while having to battle your own problems. All my cyber friends have gotten me thru some pretty major times…and I appreciate all of you so very much. And just reading your and the others amazing writings helps me thru some pretty crappy moments. Thank you so much for reading and then responding with such kind comments. My grandmother is the most amazing person on the planet and I could only pray to live up to her. hugs

  2. YOU MATTER to ME and i’m sure to a lot of other people on FB. I’ve always considered you my little sis but there are times Tammy, you have shown me the way. You have helped me with my grief over Callie and you always know how I feel and if you don’t know, you are always compassionate. You are probably one of the warmest people I know and I am sure your grandma is VERY proud of you. I happen to know your kids ARE very proud of you!!!!! I love when you post pictures of Jessica and she has the same gleam in her eye that you do and she just adores you. You are very lovable and I am honored to be your big sis. Love, Laurie

    • aww big Sis! you are awesome! Thank u soo very much for those kind words! They mean alot to me! You are the bestest big sis in the world and I appreciate all the guidance and generosity you have given me over the years! You’re a wonderful human being, kind and caring and such a talented writer! Thanks again! hugs!

  3. With in this blog is probably one of the largest, most important lessons a person can possibly teach another. The lesson of learning to live with grace….even when things are not as we want. I applaud how you see the world as a wonderful place and want to fill the lives of others when you yourself are in need. There will always be math professors and those capable of teaching academics, but the fine art of teaching one to love life when it becomes something other than what is chosen can only be taught by the few who are brave enough to let go of the wheel. What an awesome testimony!

    • Thank you sooo very much for reading and commenting on my blog Shellie! I appreciate your response so very much! Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who feels this way, but then I get friends who prove otherwise. Daily pain is something I do not wish on my worst enemy…not even the doctor who did this to me. I can’t stand to see anyone suffer. Todays a really bad pain day, but it’s my daughters 18th birthday tomorrow, and we had a party today…its’ still going on…a bunch of teens…very loud…lol, but I got all I needed to do for it accomplished, now I’m laying in bed hurting so much it is all I can do not to break down and cry…but I won’t ruin my babys bday weekend that way. We are goin to dinner tomorrow night, so I’m praying my body is let me go. I have always said that as long as my kids have learned love, empathy, responsibility, honesty and a strong sense of family, that I was successful as a mom…and they both have all that, so I’m very proud of them…they are not going to be rich in money, but they are very rich in love. Thank you again for reading and responding! xo
      Tammy

  4. Your last sentence is the most profound. We do what we can.
    I learned a while back that no my life is not what I expected it to be, yes I sometimes have regrets that I can’t do more, can’t help more…but my husband still says he needs me, and that’s good enough for me.
    you have people who love and need you…you have a family. You never stopped teaching, and you are teaching now.

    So no, my life isn’t what I expected, so I’m changing my expectations. Getting as much joy as I can out of the little things. Taking advantage of every good day I have. When I look back at the end of my days I want to remember those good days, those little things that I took time to notice, the little things that made me happy for a moment….and the people who loved me and stuck by me through all of this. I will not think of what I couldn’t do, what I didn’t accomplish….because I may be accomplishing small things to “normal” people, they are mountains to me! And my husband reminds me that I don’t take note of the things I’ve been able to do. He says I’ve taught him to be a better man, to be more caring, loveing, and just all around a better person.

    This I can live with.
    We may never be rich, and we may always have doctor bills, but we are happy on many days. And those are the days I will count.
    I even count the days I can just get up and brush my teeth, or joy…sit outside.
    I read a lot.

    My advice…take stock of all that you have done…and all you continue to do…and know at the end of your days, you did all you could. You overcame a lot of odds, and still showed people how to treat you with respect, to treat others with respect…and showed them that every life matters.

    I hope you never feel worthless.
    You have a lot to offer, even from your bed.
    wendy

  5. I like to think I am storing up energy for my next event with my son by staying in bed. Although when I feel so sick, exhausted and then have uncontrollable pain I am in the deep end pool of depression. I cannot see my value at all and when I am at my weakest someone comes along and shows how valuable I am to them. God is merciful and in my misery I cried out to him and He heard my plea. He hears your cry and knows your suffering.

    • Wow, was a little too hopped up on pain meds when I wrote this! I was in a lot of pain and feeling sick, so your post meant a lot to me. I was trying to say that even in our misery we have value to others and God. Right when I was miserable, people came along and were supportive and reminded me of my value. You wrote a fabulous post and reminded me that I have value to my son and that I have things to teach him still. Thank you.

  6. Tendai…thank u for your kind words and for reading my post…its been awhile since I’ve been on my blog…I have been in a funk of sorts again…so very sick most days, I can’t get out of bed…then the days I can, I of course do everything I wanted done around the house or go to the store, which then throws me into another tailspin and more days in bed in tears feeling worthless again. I’m glad I came back here tonite and read thru some comments all you lovely people have made on some of my entries…it has once again given me the strength inside to try to keep the meaning to my life a positive one and not a pity one. I hope you are hanging in there and doing well…you of course have value to your son, to your family, just as I do to mine…we all make a difference…even to each other here in cyberworld. Thank you to all of you for reading and commenting and forgive my lateness in replying or thanking you.
    Tammy

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