With all the major health issues I must contend with on a daily basis, I am left with alot of time to think, read, listen, watch and learn. Also, being 44 years old (which sounds bizarro to my ears!) has allowed me a few years on this Earth to learn a few things. When I’m at my sickest, and the fear of dieing creeps into my head, I lay and think of all the things I haven’t accomplished yet that I need to. I think of things I will miss if I die. I think of the things I have done and accomplished over my life…and I usually end up feeling it’s not enough.
I feel everyone is probably here for a reason, whether big or small, we all have something we are contributing to this world. Myself, I wanted to be a part of healthcare or a teacher growing up. I managed to become a nurse, and I generally loved caring for people…and as a nurse you do get opportunities to teach others as well, so I guess I met my goals I had set. But the problem is, my nursing career was ended due to health problems after only ten years. I miss caring for others in a healthcare setting. Of course as a mother of 2, I have gotten to keep my nursing skills up a bit, and as a parent you are always teaching…so that feels good.
I’m not done with my life. I know there’s more for me to do. I have more to give. My health prevents me from doing everything I want to do now. I would love to be back nursing, or to go back to school to be trained for something else that I could do…but health and money will prevent that. It seems all I am capable of doing now is laying in bed worrying about health and money problems.
Talking with my 92 y/o grandmother though, I think we all feel we want to have left something good of ourselves before we leave this Earth. We want to feel we mattered. She is a woman I greatly admire. She had to grow up fast since her mom died when she was only five years old, and then had to endure the abuse of a mean step mother after that. But she was a strong woman and she got away from there and came to Indiana from Missouri with a couple girl friends in her early twenties, this would’ve been in the early 1940’s. She worked the next 45 years in a factory, hard work for a woman, and all while raising 4 children on her own after leaving an abusive marriage. Then grandchildren came along for her and she helped to raise them as well…and then great grand children and she was and is still helping with them all, including me. She cannot walk as well, and not without a walker. She can’t drive anymore. She doesn’t cook or clean anymore. She sits and reads alot, and still watches her news programs and politics.
She has voiced the thought that her work here is done, she feels she cant be productive anymore or do much for anyone anymore, but I told her how wrong she was! I NEED her here. I depend on our daily talks and my weekly visits. When something, good or bad, happens…she’s the first I think of calling. She always was and is a very strong and independant woman. She was all that before it was normal to be so. Her life has mattered. She wasn’t a doctor or lawyer, she didn’t invent anything or save a life…but she raised many children, she instilled good values and morals. She taught us the importance of family and respect and love. She was and is and always will be a class act.
So, I’m hoping that in someway I am also leaving behind this type of legacy for my family. I wish I was healthier and stronger, so I could help my family more. If I could work I could help financially. I could go more places with them and be involved in more activities. But for right now, I’m going to have to be satisfied with what I can do for others…and hope that I’m teaching love, respect and strength to my children as it was taught to me. I hope that I will be deserving of their admiration someday.
Family is very important to me. My kids are the two most precious gifts I could offer this world, and I know for certain their lives matter.
We all matter to someone. We all give something. We all teach someone something. We all have to care for each other. We do what we can.
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