I yell…I’m SCARED

I cry…I’m SCARED

I judge…I’m SCARED

I order…I’m SCARED

I demand…I’m SCARED

I scream…I’m SCARED

I want perfection…I’m SCARED

I want help…I’m SCARED

I want encouragement…I’m SCARED

I want order…I’m SCARED

I want empathy…I’m SCARED



The pain is changing and it’s getting worse. I feel like there is no doctor that will even try to fix the mess that is my abdomen. I’m terrified of leaving my family. I can’t outrun the agony anymore. I am certain noone wants to be around me, because I don’t want to be around me. I’m wound up so tight…every move and every breath is stabbing me harder than ever…the pain causes my jaw to lock with near vomit. I’m feeling hateful and mean, yet sad, ashamed and SCARED.  I skipped my heart test today because the abdominal pain was so severe. I do not know what to do anymore. Why go to the doc? Why go to the hospital? For more tests that I can’t pay for? To hear another dumbass doctor say “I’m sorry, but surgery is too dangerous, it may cause more damage or you may not make it…just pop your pills and drink your Ensure and lay in bed til you croak~!”….

I wish I could go just lock myself in a rubber room…hide from the world, because atleast then I wouldn’t be terrorizing everyone I love. Everyone is either worried sick about me or sick OF me. I am sick of me. I can’t believe they can’t atleast give me pain relief…maybe that’s where I need to focus…on getting better pain control…stop dreaming of a fix…forget healing….just numb me…please dear God…just bring me SOME kind of relief!

I’M SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!


2 thoughts on “I’m SCARED

  1. I don’t think I could have endured what you have been enduring for so long now. But, I understand the wanting to be numb; to have some respite; some release from the agony.
    You’ve no doubt already thought about this, but do you have access to a pain clinic? If the cause of your pain can’t be fixed right now, perhaps there is some way to address the pain itself. I know you’re tired of doctors — who wouldn’t be in your situation — but a pain doctor might focus on the agony, not on the cause.
    I’m glad you are letting these feelings out in these posts. I know it’s probably painful just to write them, but by sharing your fears and your worries keeps them from bottling up inside and causing even more emotional and physical pain.
    Somewhere out there, there must be someone who can help you cope with the pain. I will send all the positive thoughts that I can you will find some relief .
    Your words are so powerful and truthful. Keep writing; we’ll keep responding and sending as many virtual gentle, cotton-ball, heart-felt and caring (((((hugs))))) as cyberspace has the room to transmit.
    I’ve been thinking of you every day, and wishing so hard that things will get better.

    • phylor…this will b short…thanks for reading and the support…i’m in so much pain…and it looks like my blog is posting a bunch of times…i dunno wat button i hit…it did this once before also…thank u for ur support…i just need to vent so bad…i hate my life right now…all due to this pain…i am gonna focus on pain control i have an appt on the 18th if i freakin make it that long…i have meds…they just dont work! the german doc alsso turned me down…they are all so damn afraid…i have no life as it is!~ wats to fear? anyway…thnx…luv n hugs

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