I yell…I’m SCARED

I cry…I’m SCARED

I judge…I’m SCARED

I order…I’m SCARED

I demand…I’m SCARED

I scream…I’m SCARED

I want perfection…I’m SCARED

I want help…I’m SCARED

I want encouragement…I’m SCARED

I want order…I’m SCARED

I want empathy…I’m SCARED


The pain is changing and it’s getting worse. I feel like there is no doctor that will even try to fix the mess that is my abdomen. I’m terrified of leaving my family. I can’t outrun the agony anymore. I am certain noone wants to be around me, because I don’t want to be around me. I’m wound up so tight…every move and every breath is stabbing me harder than ever…the pain causes my jaw to lock with near vomit. I’m feeling hateful and mean, yet sad, ashamed and SCARED.  I skipped my heart test today because the abdominal pain was so severe. I do not know what to do anymore. Why go to the doc? Why go to the hospital? For more tests that I can’t pay for? To hear another dumbass doctor say “I’m sorry, but surgery is too dangerous, it may cause more damage or you may not make it…just pop your pills and drink your Ensure and lay in bed til you croak~!”….

I wish I could go just lock myself in a rubber room…hide from the world, because atleast then I wouldn’t be terrorizing everyone I love. Everyone is either worried sick about me or sick OF me. I am sick of me. I can’t believe they can’t atleast give me pain relief…maybe that’s where I need to focus…on getting better pain control…stop dreaming of a fix…forget healing….just numb me…please dear God…just bring me SOME kind of relief!

I’M SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!


4 thoughts on “I’m SCARED

  1. Tammy, I’m so sorry, you should focus on a pain management clinic, I guess. I wish I had better solutions. I’m so worried about you!!! You are in my thoughts and in my prayers. What about the doctor you researched in Germany? Don’t give up home. We love you and need you!!!!!!!! Love, Big sis, Laurie

    • thanks laurie…this will b short…i’m in so much pain…and it looks like my blog is posting a bunch of times…i dunno wat button i hit…it did this once before also…thank u for ur support…i just need to vent so bad…i hate my life right now…all due to this pain…i am gonna focus on pain control i have an appt on the 18th if i freakin make it that long…i have meds…they just dont work! anyway…thnx…luv n hugs

  2. Yes. Please get pain management. Life looks dreary and scarily not worth it when my pain is not properly managed. Everyone is annoying, mean or unprofessional. Once my pain is managed properly, then I am able to have a more positive outlook and I seem to have the mental strength to go to doctor’s appointments and have a little quality of life. Often times I will find myself being overcome, mean, and bitter and not realize that it is my pain that is making me irritable and touchy and that it is time to get stronger medicine because my body has become used to the previous dose and doesn’t work. I wish you the best.

    • Thank u Ten…Its yet another wicked nite of pain for me. My pain meds r just not giving me any relief tonite. I just get so tired of these days where the pain takes over my life completely! Thank u for reading & commenting tho…I always appreciate any support I can get..

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