Where am I?


Who snuck in at somepoint in the middle of the night and took my body? This taped together hunk a meat cannot possibly be the body that
God intended me to go thru life with? Am I being punked? Is that cute Ashton Kutcher gonna pop out and say “Noo! We have your young healthy body waiting for you in our shop! It’s been revamped and will get you thru the next 40 years without any illness or pain whatsoever!


I would be able to run thru the woods again! Ride a bike on the trails. Hike a bit in Tennessee. Get down on the floors with the kids and get back up without grunting like a stuck pig. I could bendover and pick up something I’ve dropped and put it where it belongs without going down and not being able to straighten up.  I could pull the sheets and heavy towels out of the washer by myself.  I could run the vacuum allover the house, without my gut dropping so far forward I can’t move. I could go to the Y and swim and walk their track…take a yoga class! OMG, that all sounds amazing! I have a friend who wants to take me to the Y as a guest…I’m gonna go. I’m gonna try water exercises…if it all works out, and I feel comfy I will start my own membership…

This body is giving up. Little by little, organ by organ, it’s just throwin in the towel…and it’s up to me to stop this giving up. I gotta keep moving or I’m gonna be bedridden…those are my choices. I’m not giving up. I’m gonna force this body to move more, even when the pain is eating me alive. I don’t have to overdo. I’m not gonna be a weekend warrior. Just some easy does it exercises. Maybe meet new people.

There’s gotta be more to life then this. If this is it…then fine. I can deal with it, but I need to know that I cant improve anymore…that I have nothing to accomplish or to offer the world. Because I believe I do. Not sure what yet…but I’m here to do something! I feel it! I have a purpose! I need to get something done.  I know I’m passionate about animals and children and reading and writing. Maybe there is something there that I can incorporate those passions into something meaningful?

I used to love volunteering, but even that became too much for this body. But I know there’s something I can do. I feel it. Now I just gotta find it.  I’m thinking I need to let new people into my world. I keep my core peeps close and rarely make new friends. Maybe I need to do that…maybe a new friend will have a fresh perspective on my situation, or a need that I can fill.

I also found a “church” type get together at a local coffee shop…its come as you are, no matter your beliefs, it’s laid back, it has changing topics that get covered during the hour long visit. The one I’m gonna check out is on stress and illness.  And I’m truly hoping I can get this body to go to the Y on a routine basis….get in that pool and help out these joints and muscles…even bouey my big ole hernia belly! Water relaxes me so much. Maybe I can even work up to walking the track, slowly of course. I’m not gonna be there to impress anyone of course…but just to help this ole body get some of its oomph back. I used to be a good runner and swimmer! I was a great softball player…had a great arm! I was competitive in gymnastics and other things. I lost all that after I turned about 18 I guess.

This pain monster has swallowed me up. I haven’t been here since November 2005. I’ve been a shell. A sad and hurting shell. Well I’m trying to come back out as me. It may take me awhile to get my bearings, but this pain…isn’t taking me down. I say “FINE pain! YOU go ahead and give it all you got!” cuz ya know what? “Ive taken your bullshit for five long years, pain that is just indescribable! The humiliation of having to push my belly against the counter or a door to blow my nose, holding in my belly if I laugh or cough, being afraid of food, not going out, worrying about dieing and yet thinking it would be easier. I’m tired of making plans in advance then having to cancel cuz the pain man won’t let me get out of bed that day. I’m tired of being in the middle of the store with a cart full of groceries and freezing because my belly hurts so bad I can’t breathe or walk…so I stand, sit if there’s a chair…but I freeze and shallow breathe til it passes somewhat then I head for the register, sweating perfusely by this time from trying to deny the fact that I’m in enough pain to pass out right there in the store on the cold hard floor.

I’m tired of smiling and saying fine to everyones “How are you today”….they don’t want to hear more…so fine is my only line.]

I’m going on 44…but in my head I’m still 29 ish. My mind feels pretty sharp most days…with the occassional fibro fog or med fog. But I know thee is something I have to give to this world…I know it. Some may find it silly, and I undertand. But I’ve gotta work thru this.The pain is here whether I’m in this bed crying or out in the mall shopping. Yes, it hurts much more…but if I give up then IT wins. I’m getting my competive spirit back…and I don’t like to lose…so go ahead Mr. Pain…get your shit ready…cuz I’m sure as hell gettin goin on my resurrection back into the world.

I will still have down days, of course. But even when I’m down…I’m gonna be thinking and planning on what I can do the moment I’m able to sit up or stand up. Maybe it’s just writing..I have a few real life journals going, as well as this blog. Having conversations with people who inspire me and have been published. Meeting new people in the cyberworld who are more like me than I would’ve ever believed! I’m certainly not alone.

So, I guess I”M RIGHT HERE! Right where I’m supposed to be. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do…with much more to come. I used to be more athletic…competitive…I can’t throw in the towel just yet. I got more to offer for this game.


4 thoughts on “Where am I?

  1. I really hope that you are able to go to the pool, find a spot where you feel comfortable emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
    Can you volunteer via the web? Do something on a “when I feel I can basis” from your lap top? It would be a start. You already add great comments to people’s blogs, and put lots of inspiring things on your facebook page. That’s volunteering, in the truest sense of the word — no one has asked you to, you’ve just given of yourself.

  2. Hi there Tammy!
    I just came across your blog and wow, this page exactly expresses what I’ve been thinking about my own body. I have adhesions and endometriosis and a few other minor troubles (one of which is bad teeth…does that correlate to falling apart? I wonder). I’m going to ready some more, but just wanted to say thank you for sharing about yourself and your fight so openly. It’s inspiring. And even though it stinks to go through this sort of stuff, it’s always nice to find someone in a similar situation…so you don’t feel as if you’re the only one going through this sort of thing. Good luck to you!

    • Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog….of which I haven’t kept up as of late as I’ve just been in more of a funk than usual due to increased pain from the adhesions/obstructions. I will check out your blog as well, as you said, it’s under bad circumstances but I am always glad to find a new friend who understands what this way of life is really like on a day to day basis. Thanks again for reading and commenting…maybe just the push I needed to get back to my blogging! xo

  3. As you know, I completely relate. I think that sometimes it beats us down and we have to find some reason or rationale as to why our bodies have betrayed us.
    Your blog, comments and support have been very helpful to me over the past few years and so – maybe your reason is us??? Comradarie, I guess.
    I don’t know, but I have to think that. I am sending you gentle hugs and an empathetic smile. Stay strong !!

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