Is this title a repeat? I don’t even know…too lazy to scroll thru to find. I’m gonna blow one out here that is not censored at all….pure heart-felt emotion….I’m angry at women. I’m angry at men. I know so many women who stay in stale or bad relationships just strictly for monetary reasons. They put up with being degraded either verbally, emotionally or physically. They are their “spouses” mothers…their caregivers…their bathroom cleaners, laundry doers, dish doers, child raisers….they do all this while trying to work and pay bills, trying to compete with the airbrushed anorexic 14 year old model on Glamour magazine.

I’ve bypassed all that now…I lived thru it….but I am now of that “age”…where I am no longer a girl or woman. I am the “ghost woman”….I’m between 44 and 60….that area where you no longer exist. It’s sad really. I am now at the vantage point where I see young women 18 to 40 struggling to be seen. They want to look perfect…competing with air brushed anorexic unhappy women in magazines who seem to pull it all off. They feel inferiour. They hate themselves. They try so hard to please their “man” that they LOSE themselves!

Look girls! We are people! We are who we are! We look how we look! We feel how we feel! If that’s not good enough for someone…then screw that someone.  I’m sorry, but I spent alot of years kissing ass and being someones doormat…I will never do that again, and I could never in good conscious advice any other woman to do so. Go out there. Work…get your education. Get a job. Support YOU. Take care of YOU. Do not lose yourself in some dick who’s only thought is how many orgasms he can get goin today, with or without u.  I’m not saying you can’t have a meaningful and lifelong commitment with a man or woman or whatever…I’m just saying, you can’t lose YOU in the couple u become.

Keep your identity. Keep you self esteem and self respect. Don’t roll over and let anyone else run your life. Live it for you. If you have children, then live it for them…they are your PRIORITY. Kids come first. Romantic relationships second.

I’ve had some eye opening experiences lately.  Whats a romantic relationship? What’s a best friend? Whats a friend? What’s a mom? All these damn titles….I have felt like a failure for so many things…but never my “titles”…I always was the “good” daughter, grandaughter…the “good” girlfriend, wife, friend”…the good mom….

It hasn’t kept me from being hurt. Or disappointed. I’m feeling that quite often lately. Do I expect too much? Probably. I’m not an easy judge maybe. I’m not perfect…for dang sure.  I think I’m worried I won’t be around long enough to do what I need to do…to say what needs pass on what needs passed.  Not that I am egotistical enough to think I have anthing to say that anyone wants to hear…I don’t at all. Honest.

I have health issues, that are severe and dangerous. Makes me think about death and dying more than the norm I guess. I keep trying to figure out what can I leave my kids that will mean anything to them in years to come? I know I have knowledge that could be passed on. But how do you make that heard? How do you pass it without looking like you’re writing your suicide note?

I want my family to get that I love them with all my heart. That they are what’s kept me going during the past 5 yrs of Hell that have been tough to staggar thru.  I forced myself to live with the thought that I could be of some type of help for them.  I have the 2 best kids ever created…yep, I’m biased…but they are good kids…never been smokers, or drinkers or druggers or slept around. They are respectful and good kids and I am proud of them. I couldn’t have chosen better kids…yes there are others kids who are genius level or doctors or whatever…but that means nothing because the emotional relationship I have with my kids beats any document hanging on a wall.

I am to the point in my life where I am tired of the superficial bullcrap called relationships. I’m one of those people who says what I think and feel…I used to be a “pleaser” and tried to make everyone else feel good….at the expense of my sanity. I grew up in a psycho house where yelling, hitting, and berating were the norm.  Women were hit, and belittled.  This does not fly with me now. If you want to live that way…fine…just don’t expose kids to it….but I pray no woman puts up with this crap..from their men…or their friends.

Girl friends can be vicous and 2 faced.  We are cruel to each other, usually for no reason. We find it easy to tear each other down…why? to make ourselves feel better? I dunno…but its sad…we should be supporting each other…helping each other…we are all struggling thru life…it’s hard.

I’m losing faith is relationships…but the “girlfriend” code…I thought that was pretty dang strong…atleast once you were outta highschool and stopped fighting over some pimply faced player…but it doesn’t necessariley end there does it?


One thought on “Relationships

  1. This was really good Tammy. I have been wrestling with myself over worrying about pleasing people or just being myself, and who gives a damn who likes it or not. Thank you for helping me remember to be true to myself. I am what & who I am, and if people don’t like it, well screw them!! LOL Ahhh, I feel liberated already!!! Thanks Girlfriend! Good blog.

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