Okay…this is probably going to make me look insane to some, but that’s okay, because right now I’m feeling a bit insane. For those who don’t know, I have a blood clotting disorder called Antiphospholipid Syndrome, where my blood clots too much, there is no cure, I must take a blood thinner called Coumadin everyday for the rest of my life to keep my blood thin. I go to a clinic about once month or more often to have my levels checked, for the last month my blood is staying too thick, even when they increase my Coumadin, so I have been going weekly. This costs me money out of pocket. Our health insurance isn’t great, so I must pay out of pocket for about half of the charge of these visits. But the cost isn’t really the main topic of this entry.
The main topic is fear. It’s the major fear I have that I am going to die of a blood clot. I have had this fear of course since being diagnosed. But the fear has grown exponentially lately, and it’s gone into hyper over-drive since I broke my ankle/foot. Because being immobile will increase your risk for bloodclots for healthy people, much less for me. Last night my leg, the one with the broken ankle, started hurting badly…in the calf area. So I started freaking out internally. I tried to flex my leg and foot muscles as much as I could, to get blood pumping. Then I began having left-sided chest pain…so of course in my head I became panicked that a clot had travelled to my lung! But I was alone, Jim at work, Jess in bed. Now I could’ve woke her up, I could have called 911 or my doctor…BUT, a huge part of me thought, “NO! Don’t run up MORE medical bills! It is more than likely NOT a clot. It’s more than likely muscle spasms from the injury.” I checked the back of my calf, it was not red or warm, which would be indicative of a clot. I was not short of breath, just having chest pain. So, I tried to calm myself and I got out my papers, that I keep bedside in the event of a health emergency, that describes all my health problems and the medications I take. I keep it in my purse and at bedside in case I can’t talk to explain my issues.
At any rate, I chewed a baby aspirin, which I really shouldn’t do…because it’s just as dangerous to allow your blood to get too THIN…you can just spontaneously start to bleed internally or have an aneurysm. But I eventually fell asleep. When I got up this morning the same leg was still hurting…in the calf, but feels like it goes up the back of my thigh also. Just occassional left sided chest pains, no shortness of breath. I told my husband about it all. He of course doesn’t know what to say. Neither of us want more damn medical bills, especially if it’s for something that isn’t an issue! I remembered that I still had some compression stockings from one of my hospital stays…they help keep circulation in your legs. So I had him get one out and I put it on my bad leg. He’s at work now. I’m alone. My leg is throbbing like crazy from the top of my foot up to my hip. I am pretty sure its probably all due to the foot injury. I’m trying not to over react or panic, but it’s hard. Really hard.
I can’t seem to make this extreme fear of having a blood clot go way. I go to the clinic again Friday and I’m gonna talk to them about it. I am also going to look for a therapist I can go to so I can talk freely without feeling I am being a burden to everyone I know. I have all these fears inside me, that I have usually been able to keep down, but they are really starting to get to me. How to keep myself from automatically thinking every leg or chest pain is a clot….cuz I think I just send myself into a panic, and cause the symptoms to get worse. Or, maybe right now as I sit here typing this, I have a huge damn clot in my leg that I should be going to the hospital for! But…because we are poor and have shitty health insurance, I hesitate to go. That’s crazy. But this type of situation is going on in so many households across the country is mind boggling!
I wish I had a 24 hour nurse or doctor with me at all times! lol….I told Jim today he should just put my useless ass in a nursing home and forget about me and get on with his life. This crap is so unfair to him and my family. I’m only 43. I should be able to be taking care of everyone else, going out on the town, going on walks, whatever. Not being deadweight. But anyway, I just wanted to get it out there, just say it outloud to the world…I AM AFRAID! I am living in constant fear of this damn blood disease! It didn’t really send me over the edge until this injury. I’m trying to breathe thru it. Trying to stay rational. Trying to have other explanations for the symptoms. But I can’t help but thinking, what if I am right? What if it is a blood clot and I’m ignoring it and then will die from something that possibly could have been taken care of at a hospital? What if? What if I’m wrong and I go to the hospital and wrack up another $1,000 in medical bills and it’s nothing? What if?
So I am hoping I can just rid my fear by getting this out of my head. Come to a realization that worrying about this so much will not help me at all. What will be will be. I will die from whatever I’m supposed to die from… when the Lord has decided it’s time for me to go. So I need to just chill. Stop fretting like a little old lady. Just breathe. Keep my circulation goin in my legs. Be mindful of the symptoms, but not go into full panic mode and CAUSE false symptoms. So right now, that’s my plan…but I gotta say, my foot/leg is just throbbing/cramping like crazy. My pain meds aren’t helping. I’m thinkin it maybe even hurts more since I put on that stocking. Maybe my acebandage is too tight. I will take off the boot, take off the bandage, take off the stocking and redo everything, then put it all back on and see how it feels…after I recover from the exhaustion of doing all of that!
With all my illnesses and pain issues, it’s understandable that I am afraid. I’m afraid of death. Now I have said and or thought at times that I did just want to die. To escape this pain and misery. But at the same time I want to live, because I want to be here for my family….in a selfish way I guess…I know they would survive without me…my kids are both strong…they would survive…but I don’t want them to have to. I don’t want them to go through that. I’m selfish in that I want to be here with them. I want to watch their lives unfold. I want to be here for grandchildren. I want to be here in the world and enjoy things I can enjoy. I guess I just need to come to terms with death. If it’s my time, it’s my time. Nothing I can do about it, right? What will be will be. I would just hate for it to be because I was too stupid or cheap to go to the hospital…it’s a shitty situation.
I hate feeling like this crazy person. I have to change my thinking process. I hate fear. I consider myself a strong and courageous person…but this fear of bloodclots is getting the best of me. Even after typing all of this, my leg throbbing and occassional chest pains…I’m indecisive. No shortness of breath. Leg not red or warm. Gonna loosin up the leg gear, and see how it feels from there. Thanks for reading the rant of a crazed woman! 😉