Well…for those who do not know, I broke my ankle/foot last Saturday.  I was leaving our local outdoor mall where my husband and I had just went to see a movie, then had gone to Cold Stone for some ice cream…that was amazing by the way (Coffee Lovers). It was dark, I was walking at a normal pace, I think I was switching my purse from one arm to the other when SNAP!  This bomb exploded in my right ankle and the fire spread up my leg, and my butt hit the ground…I had fallen off the curb, and I looked to my husband in shock…not only from what was occurring right then, but because exactly one week previously at the same mall I had tripped UP a curb and fallen forward and skinned, bloodied and bruised my knees, ribs, elbows and ripped my new jeans!

I mean what is wrong with me? Now I can’t even walk? Suddenly I have no clue how to maneuver curbs?  Like my son said (in the same sarcastic tone of his mom) “Do you see curbs and think you can DEFY them??” lol.  Now here I am, on the ground, people milling by, my husband is freaking out and I am as usual trying not to call attention to myself or my predicament, telling him to go get the car and bring it to the curb…I’m holding my foot, sitting on the curb, yet trying to act like this was the most normal thing in the world to be doing…I swear if I was out in public and my arm fell off, I would hold it up and pretend it was still attached until I was alone or at home.  Why am I like that? I have no clue.

I have had many sprained ankles and even broken them before.  I was younger then.  I didn’t have all these other health issues then.  I wasn’t already dealing with major pain then.  This is HARD.  I have this heavy Frankenstein boot on my RIGHT foot (can’t drive), using crutches is next to impossible because it requires using your abdominal muscles, which I don’t have and it makes my hernia buldge out as far as it can.  I cannot put ANY weight on my foot for six weeks.  So for the first week, I literally stayed in bed, only using the crutches for short trips to the potty.  I have a wheelchair from previous illness, but it’s a transport chair with the little wheels, so you can’t wheel it yourself…not that I could anyway with my abdomen issues, but we have been using it when I must be taken to doctor appointments.  Today we went and rented me a knee walker, thinking that would be the perfect thing, just rest my bad leg on it and scoot around the house! 

 First of all, it’s a damn crime how much these things cost to rent!  $150 per month! Or more at some places!  Buying them is double or triple that.  So I’ve been kinda using it around the house tonight…I have ran over my good foot twice, got myself in our tiny bathroom and couldn’t get it turned around to get out, same with my tiny kitchen (galley type), and my good leg is now exhausted from scooting around the walker!  I’m a walking catastrophe!

I know my husband and daughter are sooo sick of waiting on me.  I honest to God try to limit my needs.  But just the basics really add up.  We don’t realize how much we need or do until we are asking others to do it for us!  I mean, a glass of water…oh maybe a snack…oh, my purse, where’s that magazine? I need the phone please.  Heating pad?  Ice pack?  Meds?  Remote?  Extra blanket?  Turn fan on?  Dvd?  Feed fish?  Feed/Water dogs?  Let them out?  Let them in?  Breakfast?  Lunch?  Dinner?  Lotion?  Kleenex?  Someones at the door!

 And don’t get me started on taking a shower!  It’s like a national event!  I can’t do it alone, getting in and out that is…so, its like this “Ok, I need undergarments from that dresser over there I can’t get to cuz the wheelchair is in front of it, I need clothes from that closet I can’t get to cuz the box fan is in front of not that shirt, the blue, not that blue one…oh nevermind, I’ll wear a blue bonjovi tshirt with orange flowered pajama pants, who cares?…okay, now I’ll hobble down the hall, can you get me a towel and wash rag please? Get undressed with an audience, be assisted into the tub to sit on the shower chair…feeling exposed and embarrassed…shower head not pointed at me right…please point it so the water is actually hitting me?  Finally I can close the curtain for privacy and wash…drop the soap, drop the razor…an Intuition, which falls into three pieces, I can’t get them…I give up on shaving.  Finished, now freezing, trying to dry off, need help to get out of the tub and getting dressed…more embarrassment.  Then must ask them to take my dirty clothes away and help me back to bed or recliner.  I do not like others having to mess with my dirty clothing.

By the end of that we are all exhausted.  I am hurting so bad I could not imagine anything hurting worse, but I shouldn’t say that cuz God may decide to show me differently.  I am really feeling picked on.  I feel like people must think I’m some kind of whining baby, but really…this is some crazy shit that has happened to me in the last five years!  I have been thru more crap than anyone I know for sure.  I don’t get it…I’m a good person, really I am.  Am I truly cursed?  Is there such a thing?  Am I really being punished for something in a past life?  Am I here for a purpose?  Is my suffering for a purpose?  Why is my family being tortured?  I feel horrible for them. They are having to be my servants for God sakes!  Like I said, I am alone alot, so once one of them gets here, I am in need of things!  Not to mention just some human conversation!  It’s a bummer to say the least.

I hate being helpless and needing so much help.  REALLY hate it.  I try to have them get anything I think I may need all in one trip, and will just not say anything if in fact they forgot something I needed…even if its a fork for my meal! lol.  I have been dealing with illness and pain for a long time now, and was helpless for part of that…but I was a very drugged and in a coma type of helpless then, so it wasn’t quite as distressing as it is now.  The holidays are coming…will I be healed by then?  I have Christmas shopping to do…and I do NOT like to do that with my husband…lol, that is something I prefer to do alone, so I don’t want to have a “babysitter” to drive me around then! 

The worst time though is around four in the morning.  I have been asleep maybe two hours, and suddenly am bolted awake by severe burning ankle/foot pain!  It feels as if someone is beating it with a sledgehammer, while simultaneously setting it ablaze!  I get the boot off and put on an icepack that I have thankfully thought to request before everyone went to bed, I take an extra dose of pain medication, hoping I don’t OD!  There is no comfortable way to sleep.  IF I sleep at all.  I’m so tired right now, but I know I couldn’t just lay back and sleep.  I need a shower, but no one has had a moment to help me with that today…maybe tomorrow.

It’s no fun to be helpless, in pain and alone.



16 thoughts on “Helpless

  1. OMG….even though most of our ailments are different, we are SO SO much alike in the way we think, and the way we try to deal with when we are laid up and need help. I could so relate to your descriptions of needing “stuff”, being in the shower and dropping things, etc, etc.!!! If it’s any consolation at all, I really do GET IT, the misery of being “needy”….It SUCKS. It drives me crazy to have to ask my hubby for 1500 things before he leaves for work in the morning. Once he is out the door, I know I am on my own for the next 12 hours. If I have forgotten anything, that’s too bad, there is nothing I can do about it til he gets home. Then you feel like a schmuck for having to ask for this and that (things that seem so insignificant to them but are necessary to us) and seeing that slight flash of frustration cross their face, as if they are thinking, GEEZ I am so sick of being a retriever for this woman!!! It makes me feel so bad. I know you know, Tammy….thank you for the blog so I know YOU know and that helps me not feel so bad. Hang in there babes. Try not to feel bad when you need something and have to ask for it. Your family knows that if there was any way you could do it, you WOULD do it. My Larry knows that too. He knows how much I hate it, having to ask. Again, thanks for sharing this blog….I could really relate. Love You!!! xoxo

    • I know Julz…we are soo much alike its freaky! lol. I KNOW u get it. I am so appreciative of the friends I have found online who truly DO get it and are soo very supportive…it really helps me keep what little sanity I have left. Yea, I hate that “slight flash of frustration” that hits both my hubby and dtr when I’ve asked for one too many things. i feel they hate to be around me…hide from me…lol. I’m sure Jim is so happy when he can walk out that door and escape to work…and Jess to school or her boyfriends house. It makes me cry even just typing that out. I don’t want to be driving my family away from me, and yet I NEED their help. Wish we could afford to hire a professional to take care of me just a few hours a day or something. But anyway, thanks for being there julz! xoxox

  2. Sidewalk bumps and curbs are not my friends either — tho I haven’t broken anything that way yet (other than several pairs of glasses). So sorry to hear about your mishap and the trials and tribulations. When I broke my wrist, there were some things I needed help with, but for the most part, I got around okay, etc. Showering was out during the cast phases, and I had to put my whole arm in a plastic bag to wash.
    I sure hope that the ankle heals soon. I’m sending healing vibes. When my wrist was recovering, I kept visualizing my bones acting like knitting needles knitting my wrist back together.
    If you can, take extra calcium during the healing process. Put a big red and green ribbon around the boot for the holiday season, and maybe shop on line (if possible) for holiday gifts?
    Keeping you in my thoughts.

    • thanks lorraine! i love the knitting needles visualization!!! Also love the idea of the bows on my boot! lol…and of course! online shopping!!! Why did i not think of it? I’ve done it before! alot actually, lol….see that just shows how out of whack my mind gets when I’m being run over by extreme pain! I can’t even think clearly. Thanks again for reading and commenting! I love my online friends! So supportive!

  3. poor Tammy. Been there, done that and I’m not going to lie it sucks.It’s horrible and painful and it IS UNFAIR. I remember watching a lot of TV in bed and reading books. I tried to use crutches and I ended up falling flat on my face. Two different times. I have no coordination not to mention NO muscle. You’re a good person and it’s just a horrible period you are going through. My husband would bring up a tray (like I was in the hospital) with snacks etc. each morning and dinner with the kids was around the bed. It kept me sane. I always read so if you need recommendations I will send you some. Gentle hugs and prayers, it will get BETTER, it just might take awhile. Healing hugs coming your way!!!

    • thank u laurie! i’m so happy u red my blog and take a moment to comment! yep, tv and reading it is for me too. I just wish the pain would lessen. I’m on strong pain meds, yet for some reason this ankle pain isn’t slowing down…but anyway, thank you again…for being my friend! xoxox

  4. Hey, they make a scooter that you bend your leg and rest it on the scooter and you can get around that way, its pretty handy. Just an FYI, good luck sweetie.

    • i just got one! it makes a big difference on how i can get around! actually managed to cook a meal today for the first time in 10 days! i won’t be makin any trips around the world with it….but its a huge step up form laying in the bed!!! expensive little buggers though! lol….i’m just grateful they make such contraptions and that i was lucky enough to get one! thanks for reading erica!

  5. Hi Tammy!

    Thank you for visiting me!! It is very nice to meet you! I was reading some of your posts and I have to say I’m so sorry for what you are going through! I feel so badly for you! If there is anything that I can do for you, please let me know!

    Sounds like you have a beautiful famiy and you are so lucky for that.

    I am looking forward to our friendship and to getting to know you better!

    Have a wonderful Sunday!


    • Thank you Java! For visiting my blog and taking the time to leave such kind comments! I am very blessed with a beautiful family, this much is true! I am also blessed to have found some wonderful friends, whom I have never met in person, but that are a huge help in helping to keep me sane while dealing with relentless illness and pain. I look forward to getting to know you better as well! Your blog is a great read and a wonderful place for info! Thanks again! xoxox

  6. Just looked at my calendar, and by my recogning, you have 3 weeks down, and 3 weeks to go! If I’ve right, you’re half way there. Let’s say the glass is half full, rather than half empty! lol
    Hang in there!

  7. Hey, broke my ankle last week, had surgery (9 screws and a 5 inch plate) I know this is a super old post and all….but I totally relate to what you wrote. Thanks for writing it. It makes me feel okay to feel like I feel.

    • Meghan, I am so sorry to hear about ur poor ankle! Thats way worse than mine. It just feels so awful to hav to depend so much on others for such ordinary needs….but hang in there…this too shall pass. Thanks for finding my blog and reading about my not so fun experience with my ankle! Take care….sending healing vibes to ya!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s