Just thought I’d let it be known that I have not left the universe. I haven’t been writing much because I feel I have nothing positive or useful or entertaining to say. That all still being true, I decided tonite to go ahead and scribble some jibberish out in the hopes that maybe…just maybe…it will help my over burdened brain to just let go…just let me sleep for Gods sakes!
I do not know what came first in this particular web of horror, the fatigue and lack of restful sleep or the escalating abdominal pain that I am enduring, along with one of the worst flares I have ever endured! WTF??? I have tried Lunesta and now Ambien for sleep..may as well pop a couple tic tacs, same effect. With all the meds I take I can only assume I am somewhat immune to the sleeping pills. And I will say thank you in advance to anyone who would like to offer suggestions such as Melatonin or tea or dark bedrooms or no tv in the bedroom…yea, tried all of it.
I believe the problem is mainly my intestinal adhesions have completely gone freakin bizerk! I guess I should clarify that, its not just my intestines that are cemented together, but ALL my abdominal organs and tissue…Liver, pancreas, bladder, stomach…all of it! I was told at some point during the 15 abdominal surgeries I had to correct one doctors mistake, that I would eventually probably have switch to only liquids…and I believe that time is fast approaching.
When I eat, I feel full earlier than normal, then about fifteen minutes later…the pain begins. The abnormally LOUD peristalsis starts up. It starts to feel like huge shards of glass are fighting their way thru my intestines. I get killer heartburn. I feel nauseated. And I can’t go to the bathroom, even after consuming all the products that claim to make that particular bodily function occur. (It has been five weeks…yes WEEKS! Since I had an adequate one) My belly gets bigger and harder and more uncomfortable. I try to eat things that are easily digested, but I’m human…and a stupid one that likes foods that are NOT easily digested…like vegetables, nuts, seeds, shrimp and steak. I am usually good about staying away from red meat…but occassionally I just NEED a good steak or burger!
I know it’s not a huge thing in the grand scheme of things, but I LIKE to eat real food. Food that needs chewed. I get satisfaction out of chewing food! Just one more thing that I must lose due to that doctors lack of skill. A life of puddings and smoothies I guess is what I get to look forward to. But I guess I should shut up, because if not the evil karma god will decide that it is time for me to lose my entire colon!
Gee, if you woulda told me ten years ago, that I would be blogging about my intestines and lack of the ability to evacuate…I woulda laughed in your face…but here ya go! TMI you say? I agree…but as I have said before, ever since this health crisis came about, I no longer believe in TMI…because maybe someone else out there has the same issues and can sympathize or we can help each other…whatever…I do not embarrass easily. We are human, we all have the same parts and bodily functions, so deal with it.
All I know is that right now I am so damn tired I could cry, and the chicken I ate earlier has transformed into gigantic boulders of razor tipped bumper cars in my intestinal tract and it hurts to move or breathe and I am PISSED AT THE WORLD!!! They don’t make a pain medication that can stop this pain I guess. If they do, we still haven’t found it. I guess if I stop eating, SOME of the pain will indeed diminish…so ok…I will try to limit consumption, but it’s really hard to not eat, or to eat only soft or liquid things…atleast it is for me. Everyone else is eating meatloaf or chili or steak…me? A cup of tea or perhaps A Slurpee. Whoopdi doo!
So, that’s my abdominal area…let’s throw in the fact that my neck and back (both upper and lower) are so tight I can barely turn my head or twist my torso! The pain is relentless! These stupid Lidocaine patches wont stick either! Nothing works. BenGay is useless..all the lotions are. The only thing that helps even a little is massage, but no one can massage that much or often…Jim tries, but I can’t constantly be asking him for that. The muscle relaxers help a tiny bit…but not enough. Think I’m thru with complaints? HELL NO! My elbows! The ruptured tendons in them just will not heal! Do you realize how much you use your elbows??? ALOT! And it hurts everytime I bed them! Then just toss in the headache, achy eyeballs and other muscle/bone pain, and you pretty much have a picture of my pitiful world right now…oh, add a huge dose of STRESS to that little recipe as well.
I know there are people who are thinking, “God, is this all she does is whine about her health?” To them I say….”Screw YOU!” and then try to nicely say that no it is NOT what I do all the time. I generally keep it to myself, stiff upper lip and all that jazz. But this blog is for me to vent. The good, bad and ugly. Yes, the bad and ugly get more page time…but they work harder to get there!
I haven’t even felt well enough to read lately…and I am surrounded by many wonderful books here on my bed…I lift one and start to read but my arms get too tired to hold the book up. I cannot find a comfortable position at all. I move to the chair and my hip starts to hurt. I have literally like 13 pillows of various shapes and sizes to prop on…but nothing is helping. The tv is on…but there is nothing worth watching on…but I keep it for background noise. To help drown out the fish tanks bubbling…which I truly love to hear, but it’s telling me the tank is low on water, and actually is way behind on needing a good cleaning…and I just don’t have it in me to accomplish such a large task right now, so I’m trying to ignore it a bit longer.
I am back to feeling like a slug in slugville. Worthless. Ridiculous. Whiney. This one is lasting alot longer than most…so I’m having a harder time snapping out of it. But I will. I just want to say to my readers that I have been reading your blogs…so amazing! You ladies blow me away with your writing styles! I could never dream of being in your leagues, but I am thrilled that you take the time to read my amateur drivel. At times I thought I maybe able to inspire those with chronic health issues or even those who wish to write…but I’m thinking that was a pretty big dream for me to have, as I’m not feeling like a very inspiring human being as of late. Maybe I will pull out of this pit and come out stronger and ready to rock and roll…let’s hope so!
For now, I’m gonna get my water bottle, swallow my pills, snuggle down into this huge bed and mindlessly surf thru the dish channels for something to focus on until my brain decides to shut down for an hour or two…or dare I pray THREE hours?!
God Grant Me Strength….yadda yadda….
I’m going to start reading To Kill A Mockinbird for about the tenth time, maybe it will once again get me inspired to do something, to give back…as it has in the past. Thank you Harper Lee
Thank you to my readers and my friends! I love all of you and appreciate your time and your words of wisdom!