Tired with a dash of defeat

It’s been a long past couple of months.  Pain levels spiraling out of control many days. Family problems suddenly coming out the wazoo.  Stressing out because I feel I am not working enough to contribute to our finances because the pain keeps me from signing up for too many hours.  I feel I’ve failed my family in many ways.  And frankly they have failed me in some ways. That’s just life I guess.  But family is all we have, so we try to work it out.  But when you have a chronic illness, it’s hard to add all of that crap to your already piled up plate..

Will there ever be a day where I wake up and say “Wow! I feel pretty good today!” and hop out of bed and the sun is shining and my  whole family is here, all healthy and happy and loving and honest and appreciative of each other?  Where I can walk around the house without h0lding my butchered abdomen in my hands.  Where I can bend over to pick up something off the floor?  Where I can walk the 2 blocks to the grocery store to carry home a gallon of milk?  Where my children look at me with the love and admiration they had when they were little?  Where my grandmother is healthy and strong and planning on living another 10 years?  Where my dog stops peeing in the house? lol…I just want some happiness.  I want normalcy.  I want this feeling of fatigue and failure to walk the hell out the door and never come back.

So many days I think I should just stay in bed and let life just go on without me.  I evidently do no good when I’m up, so why keep participating in this rat race that is going nowhere?  Why should I keep pushing myself?  Why keep caring and worry about others when that care isn’t reciprocated? Why bother to do anything but take care of myself…and I can barely do that.  I’m just this sick woman who has been living this illusion that me being around was helping others.  That somehow they NEEDED me to be around.  Now I know no one NEEDS me around.  Maybe it’s good that no one needs me….but since my health disaster in 2005, me thinking that my family needed me was what saved me. It was what kept me fighting to live. It’s what forced me to keep going.  Now what keeps me going? As a mom you get used to being needed and looked to for answers. Once they are gone…what are you to do? Especially when you are a sick person? 

I spose it’s just another funk I’m in due to the increase in pain. And the realization that things are not always what you think they are.  People won’t always stay the same or always be there for you.  Sometimes you have to watch people go away. There are alot of cruel and crazy people in the world who can weasle their way into otherwise normal people and make THEM crazy as well. Crazy is contagious I think…

So here it is about 1am and I can’t sleep, although my eyes ache with fatigue.  My hair is falling out again due to stress.  My gutt is feeling like there are two swordsmen in there battling it out. Maybe I have caught one of the crazy bugs, who knows…but I’m feeling a bit lost here.

I don’t know what I’ve ever done to be made to live this way, to be discarded from the world…I just don’t know…but whatever it was I would like to say right now to the Universe I AM SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! PLEASE EITHER MAKE MY LIFE TOLERABLE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY….OR TAKE ME OUT OF THE GAME! I’M SICK OF THE BENCH.

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15 thoughts on “Tired with a dash of defeat

  1. I so understand what you’re feeling. I did the same thing in my last post just in a different direction. The pain seems to be out of control this summer and it gets very difficult to deal with it. Hang in there because we are all in this together. I agree with you……..the bench sucks.

    Hugs,,

  2. You know where I am if you need me hon… You have to breathe… one foot in front of the other sweet friend.. right?
    It has been a hard few months for a lot of us, and it makes me sad… I wish there wasn’t so much struggling going on!!
    You are one of the most courageous and amazing women I’ve ever known.. and I’m here to tell you that you are doing a fantastic job… NOBODY will ever judge you the way YOU do…
    I love you sweetie… We can do this..
    xoxo

  3. Wether they realize it or not, your kids will ALWAYS need you and love you; how they need you and express their love changes over time. Not an easy lesson to digest, especially when the depression demon is looking for anyway in to your soul.

    Hang in there. I know how the darkness feels; the shadows from the corners creep into the centre of the room. It’s hard to fight the darkness and the pain; they are interwined like tendrils of some toxic, noxious invasive weed that lives by sucking all the life out of the host plant; depression smothers you the way that weed chokes out all other plants. It’s hard to fight both; but you are stronger than the evil twins of pain and depression. That you are here to write your blog is testament to that.

    And, now you have another family: your family of friends in the cyberverse who NEED you no matter what; no matter how down or in pain you are; no matter if its a sunshiney day or the clouds are darkly ominious; no matter if your dog pees on your rug :). Always remember that your cyberverse friends, your cyberverse family, needs you and loves you in good times and in bad.

  4. I am so very sorry that you are in so much pain. I too agree, the bench sucks. When I am hurting like you are now, I try to focus on two things: 1)In any struggle there is a beginning, a middle and an end. Knowing there is eventually an end to the pain, when the flare-up or whatever the cause is done, gives me hope. 2) I truly believe that any pain experienced in my organic body lessens the struggle I would have had in the next life.

    That being said, please don’t look forward to the end. God has plans for us that we don’t know about. We just have to endure until the ugliness goes away so that we can appreciate the beauty.

    • I’m thinkin the same about the next life…I pray its so! I do believe God has plans for all of us…I’m waiting to see what those plans are…I hope they are worth it! Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it! xoxo

  5. Thanks for visiting my blog. I’m glad the How to Be Lonely video touchd you. It is a sweet message the poet is sending us. Hang in there. I don’t know what it’s like to live in pain, but I do know that fibromama is right. God has plans for you. For me, Jeremiah 29:11 from the Bible shows me promises when I am down. I don’t know if you have a religion, but sometimes choosing a life verse from your holy book or a quote that lifts you up and posting it on your computer, fridge, or somewhere can lift you up!

    • Thank you for your comment! I am spiritual and believe in God, and I love inspirational quotes, no matter where they are from! I have them up allover my house! Again, thank you for taking the time to comment my post! I truly appreciate it! xoxo

  6. You somehow lift my own thoughts and feelings and type them on your blog. It has been a tough summer, so I dream of fall colors and cool breezes to come soon. Even if we have no religion of our own, just the way we are brought up it lies somewhere in our lives and sneaks up to make us feel like maybe we deserve this because of something we need. This makes no sense at all and yet…., why do we do this?

    • thank u maryn! sorry u are having a tough summer as well…its so frustrating! Fall is almost here! My favorite season! I don’t know why we are the way we are….but we are strong, and we will fight it out. I pray things get a little smoother really soon for you! I’m still battling it out right now…but will win! xoxoxo

  7. Hi,
    I couldn’t sleep and came to the computer. I cannot lift your spirits as the others have so generously offered and I hope they have helped and you feel better as I write.
    I feel the same way as what you have written here.
    You are courageous for writing your honest feelings.
    I really do hope you feel better.

    • Hi Michelle! Thank you for such kind words! Sorry you have sleep troubles as well…it is exasperating! Along with all the other troubles it truly makes life a challenge to say the least! Again, thank you so much and thank you for taking the time to comment…xoxoxo.

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