I don’t deserve it

I don’t deserve it

But I have the grit

I can take it, I always have

I take my meds and rub on the salve

Some people have it worse

I’m not the only one with a curse

The emotional pain cuts much deeper

The edge of this cliff looking much steeper

What did I do?  What was my crime?

Whatever it was, I have served my time

Just stop torturing me

I’ve had enough, don’t you agree?

I try to think positive

The way they tell you to live

But then I breathe

And my insides seeth

The pain reminds me

That it’s very hard to find positivity

When I’m layin in bed suffering and alone

All I can envision is God on his throne

Deciding the next plight to throw my way

Maybe tomorrow He will give me a better day

A day without feeling like shit

Then again, maybe I don’t deserve it

Sorry for all the depressing posts lately.  My mind is just swimming in sadness for many reasons.  When I was younger maybe I would’ve spilled out my heart to someone else, but as you get older you run out of very many “someone’s”….My mom has enough problems and isn’t equipped to deal with mine, my grandmother is old and I wouldn’t want to dump stuff on her that she would then sit and worry over.  My kids have their own lives to a certain degree.  My husband works too much and has the day to day burden of me.  My friends are all off living their lives….so who do you go to once you’re all grown up?  You pray of course.  You read self help books.  You find online friends…you blog.  I remember when the kids were little, I would hear of “Empty Nest Syndrome” and think, “What?  They should feel happy and proud that they got their kids raised and out of the house running their own lives!”….but I am beginning to get it.  Once they are gone….what’s your job in life?  Then add to that a disability that prevents you from really working or pursuing any awesome hobbies…and you get, this.  You get a middle aged woman who has chronic pain and physical/emotional problems…who is struggling to find a purpose.  A reason to even go on.  So, that is the reason for all the depressing poems/posts…I’m trying to figure it all out…….by myself, yet with an audience.

Thanks for reading and the positive messages….much appreciated.

“Many people are in a rut, and a rut is nothing but a grave–with both ends kicked out.”………….Vance Havner

8 thoughts on “I don’t deserve it

  1. You’re right: you don’t deserve the pain. But if blogging helps you deal with pain, sadness, frustration, blog away!
    Virtual, efriends are friends just the same
    even if we go by a cybername
    so always remember we are here for you
    no matter how you feel or what you do!
    Hang in there! Even when your kids leave the nest, they will still need a mother!

    • lol..thanks lorraine! and even did it in a rhyme….which we all know i luv sooo much! yes, cyber friends are friends just like in person…sometimes more so in many ways! thanks for ur support sweetie! i am just feelin lonely and unneeded and useless and bored and sick and cursed and just plain ole suffering so damn much lately, and being let down by people who aren’t supposed to let me down. just hard to suck it up lately….but i will…thanks! xoxox

  2. online friends can be here for you 24 hours a day and fellow sufferers dont mind if you vent ,they understand.So you go girl pass on your burden online and save your spouse and friends .

    Michelle jadaa,canada

  3. You are not alone. I have had some pretty brutal days , weeks even and I empathize with you, on the kids too. My baby went to full days last fall and I thought It would give me time to get batter, but it gave me more time to think and that is a dangerous thing. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It is perfectly normal to be pissed off or sad. Just know that there are lots of us that understand and know just how much it really sucks sometimes.

  4. Hi Spicyt,
    Thank you for sharing so honestly. That is the great thing about having a blog I think. I feel the same way you do — Mom’s too old and doesn’t need to hear my problems, my sisters help her so they don’t have time to hear me, my best friends live in other states, son is grown, and so, I blog.

    I hope today brings you a bit of peace.

    gentle hugs to you,

  5. I’m in there with you. My youngest is getting ready for the army. He’s already out of the house most of the time. My husband also carries the brunt of the work – and the hand holding when things get very painful.

    Please lean on me too. Blogs are a great way to connect with those who know our suffering and don’t mind the rant, the need to be held.

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