I am and always have been one of those people who hate to fail. At anything. Since I was a young child I have always wanted to “do good” or “be the best” or to “please” those around me. In elementary school I wanted to be the best speller, the best handwriter, the best kickball player, the best dancer, the best gymnast….you get the idea.
As I grew up, this urge continued. I had to get straight A’s all throughout nursing school…and did, made it on the Dean’s List, and in the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society. Then when I started having children, I wanted to be the “best mommy”…I cuddled and coo’d and rocked and sang….I hovered and loved…maybe too much at times.
Point being, that I can’t stand to fail. I hate to disappoint anyone. I hate to do anything badly. And of course I HAVE failed at things. I’m not perfect. But I sooo hate that feeling in my gut when I know I am not doing something well, or when I feel I’ve made a mistake, or I think someone is mad at me or thinks badly of me…I just hate it! I am my worst critic as the old saying goes. I’m hard on myself for sure. I used to be worse than I am now…but it’s still there.
There are days when (in my head) I will have a running dialogue that goes something like this: “Man, you are such an idiot. You know you are the worst mother in the world right? You have really screwed things up sister! Why can’t you be a good mother? What is wrong with you? Why did you do that the way you did?” or “Wow…what a moron! You just said the dumbest thing to that person…ya know they think you’re a complete idiot now, right? Why can’t you talk right? What is wrong with you?” or “Geeze you are a fat pig! Look how ridiculous you look in this outfit! Like a big fat cow in capris! Why can’t you lose weight?” or “My God, look at all this dog hair on the floor! This house is a pigpen! Can’t you keep it cleaner? More organized? What a loser!” or “You just spent waaay to much money on groceries! Why can’t you be like those genius coupon women?” or “Look at that athletic healthy woman jogging down the street…why can’t YOU do that?” or “Great…another burnt dinner, take cooking lessons already!”
The crazyness is endless…the conversations that go on in my head….I feel like a failure in so many ways on so many days. Even when it’s someone else who is failing…if I feel I coulda or shoulda prevented their problems…I blame myself. If I’m in a group of people and someone seems pissed off…I immediately assume it’s my fault and go about trying to make them “UN pissed off”….try to get into their good graces. If a friend doesn’t call me for a week…I immediately think “Oh my God! What did I do? I must have pissed her off last time I saw her! What did I say? What did I do?” It is of course insane to be this way…I know this…but can’t stop it. Sometimes I will be driving and just start thinking about all the things that I perceive myself to have failed at and will burst into tears. “I’m a bad mom! I’ve ruined my kids!” “I spent too much money! We are gonna be broke!” “I pissed my coworkers off! Now they hate me!” ” I just cut that guy in the blue truck off! Now he thinks I’m a dumb woman driver!”…..lol….pathetic, I know.
So, what is the answer? I’m not sure…there is probably a self help book out there I can read….I’ll look into it….but it wouldn’t help…I would read it, then figure I failed to learn the message it had.
Oh well….some people are out there and couldn’t care less if they fail or succeed. I bet they are soo happy! Grrr!
“Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.” Earl Wilson