Todays one of those days. The “Blah days” I am getting so sick of. It’s a Saturday. Nothin to do. No money to do it with really. Everyone in the world seems to have something to do today, except for me. I’m just sittin here with the dogs, watching MSNBC cuz there is nothing on tv….and piddling around with the computer.
Tired as hell. But can never sleep. Bored. Sick of having so many health problems. Sick of taking so many pills. Sick of laying in this bed. Sick of pretending to be positive. Sick of worrying. Sick of trying to figure out where I went wrong in so many ways. Sick of scheduling doc appointments and paying for all the medical bills.
I am just blah. The rain has finally stopped. But, it doesn’t really matter, since I have nothing to do anyway. Makes me wish I had another friend. One who was always available. Right there every single time you had the need for a friend…of course, there is no such thing, because no one person can possibly be there for you every single time you would like for them to be…but it would be so nice….wouldn’t it? Suddenly you feel lonely and bam! Right there she is…to hang out with ya…nothin fancy, just sit and watch a movie or go to lunch…oh well….it’s like wishin for a genie in a bottle I guess. Not gonna happen.
I am alone so much, I think I’m going bonkers. lol. I’m sick of the sight of my bedroom. I feel like I am well into my 80’s…with all the pain/sickness and complete and utter boredom. I’m 42/going on 82. My life is seeming fairly useless at this point.
Guess I better read one of my “inspirational” books and get my mind out of this sewer of negativity again. I’m up and down…but alot of down…all due to my health…if I was healthy, I believe I would be much happier with life. Of course there would still be problems to deal with, but I could deal with life’s issues alot more efficiently with a healthy body. I could enjoy life more with a body that wasn’t wracked with major pain every second of every day. I could be more carefree and excited about living.
I try and try to stay upbeat and positive and grateful for all the good things in my life…and I succeed many days in being happy. But the underlying pain/illness is always just under the surface…ready to jump out and rip out my guts. I’m shopping with Jess and we’re having fun and laughing and POW the pain tears thru my belly like a machette…and wipes the smile and fun off my face, and ends our enjoyment.
I’m at work, loving my job…caring for my patients, whom I have so much empathy for, knowing just exactly how they feel and what they are going through…and ZAP…major pain strikes again. And I must sit and not do the job as well as I would want to, because I can barely breathe thru my pain.
I’m watching a funny movie with the family and being so blessed….when BAM….the pain zips thru me so unexpectedly I have no time to brace, and tears come to my eyes, but I don’t cry, because that would hurt much more than help.
I dress up and try to go out with my husband and look decent…only to feel ugly when the pain makes me have to slump and not smile or enjoy anything that’s happening. I sit stonefaced, while the fun goes on around me.
Of course I am thankful to just be here. Yes I am. I want to be here. Even if it means suffering every minute. I want to be here to see my family. To be in there lives. To help them when and if I can. To try to be a part of the world. To try to help anyone I can. To try to keep figuring out why I’m here. What my purpose is. What can I bring to the world. What will my mark be?
Just getting thru one of my blah days.
Trying to find the sun.
Learing to deal in a positive way.
The life I’m tryin to run.
Tomorrow will be better.
I will find the sun.
God is in my life.
He knows I’m dealing with strife.
The lessons I am learning.
All while yearning.
For a life without pain.
Believing in God.
A happy life I will gain.
Have a wonderful weekend all my internet friends! Wish you were here with me, to help me thru my yucky day…but I guess you are!