Soo…had my monthly Pain Clinic appointment today. Told them my belly pain is out of control again due to the neuromas and adhesions. Thankfully they are always good about trying to help me with my pain. They told me to stop the Percocet (which I took as needed for breakthru pain) and gave me an instant release morphine, as I am already on an extended release morphine. Also, I told them that my elbows are getting worse and worse (even though I have not ran a vacuum or mopped or anything repetitive with them lately) and I told them I couldn’t afford more injections, so they gave me oral steroids. They also then told me to make sure I take Prilosec or some other stomach aid because my tummy may get irritated. Alrighty.
So, I walked away from the clinic with the hopes that perhaps the new meds will atleast dull my different areas of pain, even if a little. Got the scripts filled. Came home, popped them in my mouth…and waited with great hope! The faster release morphine did indeed dull the neuroma/adhesion pain more…this pleases me! I took the 7 prednisones (it tapers down by 1 pill each day, til gone), but my elbows don’t feel better yet…but I didn’t expect them to, I guess.
So, as I was filling up my pill box (M>T>W>TH>F>S>SU), I began to ponder once again, the effect ALL these pills are having on my body. Especially my liver and kidneys. It certainly can’t be good, this any idiot knows. I began to think was it worth it? Damaging my kidneys/liver just to get some decent days? To be able to do something other than lay in bed? Before the meds, that’s about all I could do. The meds do NOT take away all or even most of my pain…not by any stretch…but they do make it just tolerable enough to have some semblance of a life. But if you look up all the side effects and drug interractions, it is very scary. I am very careful with my meds, and look everyone of them up and check out the interractions and all…and it does worry me. Alot.
I have given thought to just slowly stopping all the meds. But the fear of that SEVERE pain I know is there, stops me cold. There are many days … even on this plethora of meds, where I cannot move. I can barely breathe. I cry, or sometimes cry inwardly, because it hurts too much to cry outwardly. I contemplate suicide. I contemplate homicide…(of the quack that made me this way), jk…sorta, I of course would NEVER kill anyone, but boy what I wouldn’t give for that man to live with this intolerable pain for one solid month!!! That would please me so very much. I simply cannot conceive of stopping my meds. I NEED them to continue to function, even if at half capacity. Even if it takes years off my life, atleast I will have spent some years doing what I want to do, rather than being bedridden.
Therefore I won’t stop my meds. If my kidneys and liver give out on me, then so be it. I know some people worry about addiction to narcotics or opoids in general. I have done extensive research on the subject, and I know if used properly, you will not be an “addict” in the generally known way…you may develop a “need” for them, and yes, you shouldn’t stop cold turkey, but if used as prescribed, you are not gonna turn into a junkie.
If most people look at all the meds I take, they would gasp in horror…but it is what it is…and for me it is my lifeline of sorts. The only way I can be out amongst the “normals” of society…lol. So, I thank God that I have a good pain doc that does and can prescribe these meds for people like me. I just wish there would be something else to help the pain. Even now, sitting here all drugged…I am hurting very, very much. I don’t get it. I cannot imagine what the pain has turned into, since I started the pain meds, for it to still be this intense on them. GRRR!
This is not what “The Little Girl” dreamed her life was gonna be. This I know. Doctor G. C. … I hope you know what you have done to my life. To my family’s life. But I know you don’t give it a second thought, as you take your family vacations, go biking, walking, running, play golf, raquetball, tennis, swim, boat…carry your kids around, whatever. You ARE living your life. I am surviving mine. Thanks a bunch asshole.
Tryin to keep my sanity…in an insane world.
watch this funny video about pain and hospitals: