Laying here in bed….in my usual position, propped up on pillows, on a heating pad. TV on Hallmark channel, although I’m not really watching it. Computer on lap. House phone and cell phone within reach. Bottle of water and pills on bedside table, several books/magazines next to me. Pain levels are thru the roof of course, as they have steadily been as of late. The plethora of pain meds I take routinely … not doin their job.
Have a raging UTI with possible right kidney involvment just for fun. Waiting out to go to the doc til Monday…but I am drinkin lots of water and cranberry juice, taking AZO and leftover pyridium.
Wondering if I should just give up. Not on life completely per say. But give up trying to be NORMAL. Trying to behave as if I have no health issues, when I most definitely do. Give up trying to please everyone, when I am only failing repeatedly. Give up trying to do anything resembling worth while when I can’t seem to. Give up trying to fight all the damn health problems I have…the list just keeps growing. Give up trying to keep going to doctors and keep taking pills, it’s all just costing us money we don’t have. Give up trying to look decent, when its a fail. Give up wishing the past could’ve been different, cuz it can’t. Give up trying to be the best mom, cuz there ain’t no such thing. Give up on trying to keep dreams alive. Give up on thinking I’m here for a purpose. Give up on trying to figure out my phone/internet bills, cuz Verizon is obviously trying to drive ME (yes, just me) completely insane with their billing practices. Just give up.
I will just stop showering. Lay here in bed. Eat like a depraved elephant. Have people wait on me. And wait for death to come and take me to a place where there is no illness, no pain, no hate, no fear, no misery, no anger, no spite, no stupidity, no envy, no competition, no bad people….just take me away. I’m tired of it all. Sick and damn tired of it ALL.
No one needs to freak out. This is not some sordid suicide letter of any sorts. This is me purging my mind because I am laying here pissed off as hell at the world. I am supposed to be trying to get ready…we are supposed to be going out to dinner with friends tonite. So after I am done crying, I will get the Visine, and go to work with the makeup to cover my blotchy face. Find some clothes and TRY to look human and force myself to go out and pretend to be normal for a few hours. I WANT to go out. I WANT to see my friends. I WANT to eat a great meal. I WANT to be normal. But the best I can hope for is just getting through the night.
So…see there, I guess I’m not giving up. Yet. Not sure if I will actually make it out tonite yet or not. At this moment…it seems doubtful…but who knows…I will atleast get dressed, take my drugs…then when 6:30pm rolls around, my poor husband will then know if his disabled and useless wife will be able to accompany him on this Saturday night out….or not. He should’ve run for the hills long ago.
Hope the rest of you are having a better weekend than I am. Sorry to be a downer….but somedays…..it’s hard to pretend.
No inspiring quote today….not feelin it.