Should I just give up?

Laying here in bed….in my usual position, propped up on pillows, on a heating pad.  TV on Hallmark channel, although I’m not really watching it.  Computer on lap.  House phone and cell phone within reach.  Bottle of water and pills on bedside table, several books/magazines  next to me.  Pain levels are thru the roof of course, as they have steadily been as of late.  The plethora of pain meds I take routinely … not doin their job.

Have a raging UTI with possible right kidney involvment just for fun.  Waiting out to go to the doc til Monday…but I am drinkin lots of water and cranberry juice, taking AZO and leftover pyridium. 

Wondering if I should just give up.  Not on life completely per say.  But give up trying to be NORMAL.  Trying to behave as if I have no health issues, when I most definitely do.  Give up trying to please everyone, when I am only failing repeatedly.  Give up trying to do anything resembling worth while when I can’t seem to.  Give up trying to fight all the damn health problems I have…the list just keeps growing.  Give up trying to keep going to doctors and keep taking pills, it’s all just costing us money we don’t have.  Give up trying to look decent, when its a fail.  Give up wishing the past could’ve been different, cuz it can’t.  Give up trying to be the best mom, cuz there ain’t no such thing.  Give up on trying to keep dreams alive.  Give up on thinking I’m here for a purpose.  Give up on trying to figure out my phone/internet bills, cuz Verizon is obviously trying to drive ME (yes, just me) completely insane with their billing practices.  Just give up. 

I will just stop showering.  Lay here in bed.  Eat like a depraved elephant.  Have people wait on me.  And wait for death to come and take me to a place where there is no illness, no pain, no hate, no fear, no misery, no anger, no spite, no stupidity, no envy, no competition, no bad people….just take me away.  I’m tired of it all.  Sick and damn tired of it ALL.

No one needs to freak out.  This is not some sordid suicide letter of any sorts.  This is me purging my mind because I am laying here pissed off as hell at the world.  I am supposed to be trying to get ready…we are supposed to be going out to dinner with friends tonite.  So after I am done crying, I will get the Visine, and go to work with the makeup to cover my blotchy face.  Find some clothes and TRY to look human and force myself to go out and pretend to be normal for a few hours.  I WANT to go out.  I WANT to see my friends.  I WANT to eat a great meal.  I WANT to be normal.  But the best I can hope for is just getting through the night.

So…see there, I guess I’m not giving up.  Yet.  Not sure if I will actually make it out tonite yet or not.  At this moment…it seems doubtful…but who knows…I will atleast get dressed, take my drugs…then when 6:30pm rolls around, my poor husband will then know if his disabled and useless wife will be able to accompany him on this Saturday night out….or not.  He should’ve run for the hills long ago.

Hope the rest of you are having a better weekend than I am.  Sorry to be a downer….but somedays…..it’s hard to pretend.

No inspiring quote today….not feelin it.

xo

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4 thoughts on “Should I just give up?

  1. Nah, you should not give up on feeling normal. Don’t accept the reality that you have now, because then you will give up hope on having something better come along. I know I can’t say anything inspirational to you, because I have only the ability to read how you feel, and not feel it for myself. I can tll you that this pain, and this crap you are going through does not make you who you are! You are way better than all of that! Don’t give up! Look forward to something way better 🙂

  2. Giving up would be way to easy for you my friend, you are a fighter and it would just end up making you as mad as Verizon does. lol
    Everything that you just so prefectly wrote has gone through my head at least once daily. I’m starting to think that these thoughts are another “symptom of our disease” as the doctors love to say instead of giving us a direct reason for the problem. I believe too that it is more maddening to those of us who have been made “worse” because of someone elses neglect. We are stuck with the what if’s and the if only’s and that part just plain is not fair,but no one promised us fair I guess.

    Giving Up isn’t the answer because if we do that, then we bring on even more guilt,pain and disappointment. Acceptance is what I am trying to achieve and although I relapse (a lot) I have found that when those hours,days or weeks come along when I just can’t do what I would like to be doing or I can’t follow through with plans I have, I’ve just gotta let myself take the time to get my strength back and then come back slowly.
    I apologize and apologize and the guilt is there,but I know that my family knows that the last thing I want to do is be indisposed or be a burden or disappointment to them so I’m gettin a little better with the acceptance although it’s been a long road for me to discover it, it’s the key my friend, I really think that acceptance is the key. Much Love and All My Respect!!B

  3. Here’s what came to my mind as I read your blog. You…..Tammy……actually ARE normal. You are normal as they get. I am normal too. Everyone with illness & disability are normal. What is NOT normal are our bodies. For whatever reason, and we all have our own, our bodies are fucked up. Which leaves US, the normal people INSIDE these bodies, feeling pretty damn miserable. I think we need to remember, for our own self worth and self esteem, etc……that even though we have crappy bodies, we are still Normal People. We have emotions, we have expectations, we have hopes & dreams.

    Now……what do we do. We have to somehow live our lives with the hand that we’ve been dealt. That’s what an old guy told me today. We have no choice. We can’t go back in time and change anything. So we have to do a balancing act….we have to balance the normal stuff that we feel inside, our emotions and our other stuff, with the “disabled” bodies we are left to deal with…somehow. It’s going to be alot harder for us than other people, because they don’t have as much on their plate. They are normal too, but they still have fully functional bodies (unfair, I know).

    So somehow, we must balance our nights out on the town with friends, with taking “time outs” in bed to rest and recoup. Both are necessary for our “normal” inner persons to remain healthy. If we constantly push ourselves, our crappy bodies will scream at us and slam us to the ground. If we don’t take some time for fun, our mental balance will suffer. So, the problem is that how do you manage to balance both of those when most of the time you feel unable to do the fun part???

    I guess the answer is to just try. If we try, that’s the best that we can do. If we try, we might end up doing okay and having enough fun that it drowns out the crappy body, at least temporarily. If we try, but find that for that day at least, we cannot do it…..at least we tried. If we have to cancel plans, we can always reschedule. If we have to lay in our beds for awhile, we can always give ourselves the comfort and nurture that we deserve until we feel able to try again.

    This is just the ramblings of a long time chronic pain sufferer, along with a zillion other ailments. I don’t know if it will help. I hope it doesn’t make matters worse. It’s just how I feel….I need to pay heed to it as much as anyone. It’s not easy. But it is do-able.

    Love to you my sweet friend. xoxoxoxox

  4. You are a chronic pain survivor with the emphasis on SURVIVOR! Having chronic pain doesn’t mean you’re not NORMAL (and just who defines/d normal, anyway?!); it means you are normal and:
    normal and a member of a community of incredible individuals who deal with chronic pain on a second by second, minute by minute basis; normal and have some/mutiple health issues.
    You are the best mother, spouse, friend you can be while surviving chronic pain. I know that chronic pain can seem to be our definition; but turn it around and your are a good mother; a great spouse; a fantastic friend and you are all those things while experiencing chronic pain.
    Chronic pain truly is a thief, robbing folks of possibilities; treat it like the criminal it is and don’t let it make a victim out of you!
    The comments your friends have left above are truly inspirational; I hope you gain strength from their caring.
    Hang in there, and as a friend of mine is oft to say (especially to me!): this too will pass.
    PS: Everyone with chronic pain has moments like yours: with chronic pain you are never alone and I mean in terms of being part of a community of caring, compassionate, and passionate people.

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