I haven’t posted any blog entries lately. Been feeling crappy lately. Just the pain trying to take over my mind again. Sometimes it wins, sometimes I win. I really felt ROBBED yesterday. Robbed of a normal life. Ya see, about twice a month or even once a week most of the time…my 15 year old daughter and I like to go out and shop or see a movie together. We are very close, and sit with each other everyday when she gets home from school and we chat about her day and whats going on in her life and mine. We watch tv shows together, bake cookies together, just normal mom/kid things. But on these days where we want to go out and “hit the town” so to speak, it goes something like this:
We decide to go Friday after school. We are both excited! Gonna head to the Mall and walk around, eat at the food court, hit our favorite stores, Jessies are of course American Eagle, Aeropostle, Buckle, Claires, Ulta….mine are Barnes/Noble, CjBanks, Ulta, Payless….;) So we jump in the van, all talkative and hyper…singing along to the radio…making the plans as to where to go first, when to eat, etc. We find a strategic place to park…and we’re off!
Now we both know that with my physical limitations, I can only walk for so long before the pain gets unbearable. So we try go where we know I can find a place to sit if need be….we also know from past experience that by the end of this fun event, I will be near tears with pain…but I think we hope each time that it won’t be as bad each time…but, of course it is. So, we go to the shoe store first…we saw some really cute flip flops…but decided to head to the other stores and come back for them on the way leaving. Hit the next store…Cjbanks…again, I saw a really cute outfit I liked, but was still peppy and we decided to go on to the other stores and get that outfit on the way out. Big mistake.
We then head off to Ulta…we spent quite a bit of time in there messin around with all the makeup and perfumes and stuff…this is where the pain started ripping into my gutt. So, after making our purchases we head over to eat…so I can sit. I got my second wind…sort of…and we headed to AE. Now of course this store is great….the tshirts and polos alone can take Jess hours to choose from…and she had to try them on….but the pain in my gutt is getting worse and worse. The pain pills are not working. I sit on the couch while she is in the dressing room…thank God for their couches! By this time I am sweating profusely…I sweat like a hog when I am in that much pain…I’m sure people think I am about to have a heart attack or something…lol.
I tell Jess, we have to speed up the process…feeling like I am dissappointing her in the process. We make our purchases and head to Aeropostle…there is no place for me to sit in that store…so I am wondering around, trying to ignore the fact that it feels like Freddy Kruger is sharpening his finger blades on my intestines…sweat pouring off my head…tryin to look blase’, while Jess is in the fitting room. It’s getting hard for me to remain standing…I am getting irritable. Poor Jess comes out of the dressing room and I am being abrupt, “is that what you want? Let’s go now”….we check out….I find a bench, sit down. Jess is getting stressed, because I am getting stressed…we begin to snap at each other.
We decide to try to make it to Claires…of course there are 5000 people in that tiny little store…I manage to remain calm while we found some earrings and some hair do dads…but again..I am not pleasant…I am crabby and sweaty and about to burst into tears because my evening out with my daughter is getting ruined by pain.
We wanted to go to Old Navy, but we sat down on the bench and I told Jess there was no way I could walk much more. We were cold…by now it was getting dark and the temp had cooled and we were both wearing light jackets. I honestly sat there on that bench wondering how in the hell I was gonna make it out to the parking lot! I could barely stand up strait. After resting for a short time we started out…now remember, I had wanted to go back to cjbanks and payless on our way out…that wasn’t happening…no way. I was praying hard just to make it out to the parking lot.
I made it, but I could barely get into the van. Some old lady was getting into her car next to me and looking at me with the strangest expression as I was trying to get behind the wheel of the car … grimacing in pain and trying hard not to just burst into tears. I got the door closed. Took some deep breaths. Apologized to Jess that I always have to ruin our times out together, she tells me it’s okay, that she understands and it just makes her sad and angry that a stupid doctor did this to me. I wanted us to be able to stop and have a Starbucks coffee, couldn’t do that. I wanted to stop at Target…couldn’t do that either.
So we did end up going through a drive-thru and each got a shake. Came home and I swallowed more pills and barely managed to get into my pj’s and flopped into bed. Finally letting the tears flow. I have been robbed of a normal life. There is no other way to put it or to look at it. Yea, I can try to be positive about it, make the most of it, be thankful to be here….blah blah blah…and I am thankful to be here. But I am also PISSED that I can’t just go shopping with my daughter and have fun!!! The pain is always there…somedays worse than others…but it’s ALWAYS there.
Well…this has been a long post…I will end it now…lol. I just need to learn to stop pushing myself. If I want to shop, I guess I can only go to one store per day or something, I don’t know. I just know that it bothers me. Alot. I can’t make plans in advance, cause when that day arrives I may be bedridden with pain. It makes life so damn complicated. I get tired of wearing the “I’m normal” mask everyday. I am not normal. I am defective. And it totally makes me ANGRY!
“Look at a tree, a flower, a plant. Let your awareness rest upon it. How still it is, how deeply rooted in Being. Allow nature to teach you STILLNESS”
God…I am really trying! Thanks to everyone who reads my blogs! I appreciate everyones messages and comments, thanks for all the support.