So, the other day I was alone in the house (as I often am)…I decided it was time for some cleaning (as I often do), so I did what I always do at these times, I put a CD in the player…which CD varies of course, on this particular day it was a greatest hits of…Rick Springfield. Yes. Rick Springfield. Now, stop giggling and just know that Rick and I go waaay back. I have loved him since I was 13 years old. I have been to around 16 of his concerts. I have been known to burst into tears at the very sight of him (as a young teen of course…not now). Anyway…My M-O is to put the music on as loud as it can go, and start cleaning.
Now, you have to picture me…in sloppy baggy sweats. Hair still shaped in the oh so cute bedhead style (smooshed on one side…sticking up). Now, no one has ever given me an award for singing…with good reason. But, when I’m cleaning and alone…I am Carrie Underwood! I sing. I know I said I am alone, but in actuality I am not. My two dogs, Daisy and Lucy are with me. They do not like brooms, mops or vacuums. At all. They bark, growl and attack them. I know this. Yet, I never seem to be smart enough to go ahead and lock them up or put them out when I am about to utilize these tools.
So, here I am with my “beautiful” self, singing my heart out..oh, and did I mention, not only do I sing the WORDS to the song…I do the guitar riffs as well… all while trying to sweep the kitchen floor….dancing to the music (oh yes…I dance…and it’s not a pretty sight…with my physical limitations…it may not be considered dancing to most…more of a pathetic twitch of sorts)…the dogs are both violently attacking my broom…in between verses I am screaming at the dogs, and they in turn are looking at me like “Look Mom…We are trying to save your life here!” But do I do the smart thing and stop sweeping and go put the dogs up? No. I just keep going, and they keep attacking, and I keep yelling. This goes on for awhile, then when the sweeping is done, I do the rest of the cleaning…pretty tame stuff…Jim has to do the deep cleaning since I can’t do some things.
After the cleaning is done…I go on with my days, with or without music…I am one of those people that talk outloud to myself…alot. I also am big into talking to my dogs. I may say “Hey Daisy Duke! You wanna go find something to eat?” “What should we eat today? Lean Quisine? Egg sandwich?.” Of course the dogs just look at me, very interested…like “What? What are you saying? Does it involve me getting human food? Really…is cheese involved? Yea, yea!!! Cheese, I want cheese!!! Stop that dancing chubby lady!!! Let’s sit down and eat!!!”
Sometimes I think “Wow…what would someone think if they were peeking in my windows or videotaping me when I’m here alone?”…I’m thinking a stay at the local mental institution would be in my near future. Sometimes I will catch a glimpse of myself and think “Dang, who’s that poor discheveled looking old woman?” And then a split second later am despondant to figure out it’s me I am looking at! I generally avoid mirrors and having my picture taken at all costs. I can become rather violent with people who are attempting to take my photo. The reason for this is simple. The person I see in the mirrors and the photos is not the person I think I look like! In my mind I am still a healthy size 9 with bright eyes and smooth skin! Nothing will ruin my day faster then suddenly seeing some dumb picture someone took of me when I wasn’t looking! It’s like “Holy Mother Of God!!! Is that what I LOOK like???” I have been known to sneak these offensive photos away and deposit them into the trash. Who wants that kind of evidence laying around?
So, there ya have it. A short little blog from a crazy, delusional, camera hating, American Idol wannabe, So You Think You Can Dance offcast, middle aged, chunky disabled woman…and her two broom phobic dogs.
Moral of this story…if you come knocking on my door on just the right day, you better not be carrying a camera, and if you hear some loud terrible noises coming from within…back slowly away from the house, get back in your car…and quietly drive away, and next time you see me…be kind and don’t even mention it.
“With stillness comes the benediction of peace” TOLLE