Content…

Driving home from the latest medical appointment today, I was contemplating how the rest of my day would go…generally the very way it does most days. I will get home, and walk thru the door to the dogs all barking their heads off, I will let them outside as I trip over the three of them walking to the door. I will unload whatever items I may have from store, then head to jump into my pajamas.

I wash my face, then straigten up the house so I can relax. Let the dogs in, prepare their dinner and serve. Then decide if my body will tolerate something more substantial then Ensure, which it usually will not, so drink my dinner then hit the sofa and turn on the computer and tv. Yep, both will be on somedays…usually a news or documentary type program on television or Netflix and just email, facebook or blog stuff on the computer. I’m doing cancer research for a family member, as well as researching my own illnesses, so I’m on the computer alot.

The dogs and cat are usually on the sofa with me, keeping my legs warm! The fireplace is flickering and heating up the room…I’m trying to learn crochet, so I may have the yarn and hooks out with the magazine and maybe a YouTube tutorial. I will usually talk to my mom and grandmother by phone at some point.

If the pain is really bad I don’t do much of anything other than lay on couch and focus on breathing gently so I don’t aggravate the issue…usually try to keep from crying, as that just makes it that much worse. As the evening goes on I get myself a cup of chamomille tea…with too much sugar and maybe a couple of Saltines. Play with the animals and brush the dogs…

Then it’s time to pick Jess up from work and she tells me about her day at work on the ride home, then we get in and she gets comfy while I empty her lunchbox. Then she gets a snack and we sit on the couch and watch something we have on the DVR, like tonight it will be American Idol…then later after Jim gets home, he and I go to bed and watch Days of Our Lives…yes, we are both hooked on it, for about two-years now I think! I personally LOVE EJ and I think Jim has a crush on Nikki (so would I if I was a guy!) lol.

After the show is over, Jim goes to sleep and I read until I am able to pass out, usually around 3am or so. Then I’m usually the first one up anymore, didn’t used to be, but am lately…get the fireplace on, fix our tea, let dogs out, then Jim gets up. Someone cooks so they can have dinner before leaving…after they go to work, I clean the house up, maybe go visit my grandparents, go to doc appointments, and maybe the store if I’m able to that day, but most days the pain keeps me pretty pinned down.

On Jessies nights off, she and I watch Gossip Girl or some Lifetime movie and chat. If I’m up to it, we might even get to go to the theatre or shop a little bit…same for Jims days off…usually as a family we go see a show or sit home watching Netflix. Sometimes the whole family gets together for dinners on Sundays or for birthdays and holidays. And now on Sundays I’ve been going to church with friends.

So, there you have it. My life in a nutshell…condensed of course, I left out mundane tasks of daily life for the most part…or is my whole life mundane? lol

But as I was driving home, thinkin bout my evening…I felt happy. Felt like I was looking forward to my routine. Since my whole life changed with these illnesses, it’s even more boring than it used to be…not that I was ever too exciting, but not being able to work, and not having young children at home anymore…leaves me with little to do. But somehow the days still speed by me and I can never figure out where the time goes!

It’s a quiet life. Yes, it’s filled with many, many extremely painful hours and lots of frustration over my whole digestive system and the medical communities inability to do much for me…but I like my life! I look forward to talking with my family members about their days at work, watching shows with them, laughing with them and joking with them…teasing each other and playing with the animals…it’s a good life for me.

Some people probably couldn’t imagine living the way that I do, day after day. The ones who are always on the go…always going somewhere, making plans for something, or working outside the home…but it’s working for me. It sounds cheesy, but every morning that I wake up, before I roll over to take my meds, I thank God for giving me another day here on Earth with my family…whether filled with pain or not, its also filled with joy…and I am CONTENT.

 

That’s pretty much my life

When Do I Wake Up?

This has been a really long nightmare…and I’m really ready to wake up from it. Really, really ready. I just can’t keep this up. I’m dealing with some Bronchitis right now, a yearly thing…praying I don’t spiral strait to pneumonia, I had the shot 3 years ago…am I still protected? Can’t remember, but at any rate, having Bronchitis is nothing anymore. Compared to my everyday pain and disabilities, having a lung infection is like a mosquito bite. But the coughing is really aggravating my adhesions and hernia, making the pain beyond unbearable. But I have to get this crap outta my lungs…its horrid. My breathsounds sound like a squeaky door closing.

Ever since being in the hospital about amonth or so ago, I’ve been in such a depression. Seven days I was there. I did NOT even want to go in. My doc acted like if I didn’t get into the hospital that day, I would likely die…I had held off for a couple days, then relented. Just as I knew would happen, they could do absolutely NOTHING to help me. My case is too complicated. My insides too messed up. More surgery would be just too dangerous. But they ran enough damn bloodtests, catscans and xrays … I’ve recently started receiving the bills…the part insurance WON”T pay is gettin up to around $10,000. Yep. You saw right.

Honest to God…they did NOTHING to help me while in there! Added a couple pills, which I didn’t even stay on once home because they are useless. My pain is unchanged and my digestion is unchanged and my pooping is unchanged! And now my mental status has deteriorated! Its absured. What on earth. HOw can my problem be this dang complicated…the only thing one doc said was to remove all my intestines and go with a bag, but that I may not survive and other organs may get injured because my insides are so glued together…so the odds don’t sound to good to me…but then again, neither does years living in the agony.

All I am is a financial burden to my family. I used to say I wanted to live for my family, that they need me…but do they? I don’t know if I’m even useful anymore. I spend alot of time in bed of course. Always having to say “I’m not feeling well”, “No, I can’t go, gonna rest today”…so many things I want to do. I would love to be able to take the boys more often, take them to parks and shopping. I would love to take my kids out to dinner or movies more often. I would really just love to be able to take a breath without wincing in pain. I want to be a normal mother and wife. Now that our kids are basically grown, its gettin back to just Jim and I…and here I am…a lump of uselessness. I can’t contribute to our finances, I just cause debt. I feel like Jim would just love to dump me and go find a beautiful, vibrant, healthy and financially fit wife! A Wife that could take care of him and do active things with him. I have told him that he is free to go, anytime. I do not want him staying with me like some martyr. I would take the blame, make him look like a good guy and just let him walk…he deserves better.

OMG. The tv is on in the background with some VERY annoying Ebay commercial that just about made my damn head explode! Some dumb girl talking/singing really fast about something…wow…totally triggered my ticked off button!

I want to work. I miss working. I miss being out with people. I miss being useful. I want to be able to help my family with their financial issues. I want to buy my family things. I love to give gifts but being poor does not allow this.

I had thoughts of getting my records and sending them to Mayo or somewhere that has doctors who actually have brains are…but since these medical bills have started rolling in…I’m figuring thats a big freakin NO. That was a tiny glimmer of hope I had…some Dr. House team at Mayo would get me in there and figure out a great way to fix me…so that I could live out my life like a normal human being….but nope. Not to be.

I’m just getting so angry. I honestly have tried over the years to keep some positivity. To read all the positive books. Keeping faith. But nothing good has happened…other than I’ve lived. So I guess that’s what I’ve got. But all that the living has accomplished is more financial debt and emotional stress for me and my family. I know there are people who are worse…I know it. But I also know that most people have no clue just how BAD I ACTUALLY AM! I look pretty normal, and I generally try to ACT pretty normal…I don’t like hunching over, moaning in public…so I sweat it out til I get to the car then I bawl like a baby til I get home and crawl to the bed. The abdominal pain is relentless, it’s every minute of everyday. It will never go away, ever. My digestion feels like knives going thru me, I am limited on what I can eat. Coughing, Sneezing and laughing make me cry…but crying hurts too. BREATHING HURTS! So there are moments where I think if I had another disease, atleast there would be a cure or cut it out or something. The constant nausea. Add in the Fibro, my body feels as if its been a pummel bag for a very pissed off body builder. My spine has DDD and ruptured disks, failed surgery…so moving just sucks. My hips have arthritis that wake me up from sleeping with a burning pain that makes me want to rip my pillow in half. My teeth constantly hurt. This blood clotting disease keeps me in constant fear of stroke. All these meds are poisoning my liver…so its just pain, pain and more pain.

Oh the meds…that’s really a sore subject this week. I have been going to the Centers For Pain Relief for years now. They have prescribed me pills all that time without much change. I have always used the same pharmacy as well and have kept the same family doc. Because evidently there are drug fiends out there who either doc or pharmacy shop or sell or abuse their meds, therefore I must be watched like a hawk and treated like a junkie, as was evidenced by this weeks appointment where it was my turn to take a random pee test. Well guess what? I DIDN”T have to PEE! I also have bladder issues. I only pee like twice a day. My bladder can hold more urine that my urologist says is possible…yet I do it….and I get lots of infections, and sometimes must self cath.

Anyway…they don’t care that my bladder can’t produce. They make u stand in the hall..in front of everyone…and force you to drink massive quantities of water until you CAN pee. I ended up at this appointment for over an hour and twenty minutes. Most of it standing in the hall, in pain, embarrassed, praying to pee. I was in the bathroom on three seperate occassions, hand in sink with water running on it, practically crying cuz I was so frustrated.

I finally went and they gave me the oh so horrible prescriptions and let me leave. Ya know, people with diabetes have to take meds, people with cancer do, people with all kinds of diseases take meds. We treat people who are in REAL pain like drug addicts. I had never felt that way myself until this happened. I thought I was lucky, well and I do everything right. I’ve never asked for extra meds, never taken them in a wrong way, never lost any, always take as prescribed…I have never once gotten any kind of high feeling from my meds…ever. So I don’t really understand how people get high from them or what good they are for that…but please don’t start making me feel icky about having to take these meds that are the only thing that allow me to even try to get thru a day.

So much is getting on my nerves lately, I guess cuz my body is my enemy and the doctor that ruined my body is out loving life. I have forgiven his mistake, but I still hold the grudge that he gets to enjoy his life…and I don’t. I can’t let it go. He ruined me permanently. Doctors in general now just tick me off. They don’t CARE about us. I’ve seen many, I’ve worked with many. We are CATTLE to 90% of them. They don’t care who we are as people. If they can’t diagnose it in five minutes they don’t wanna deal with you…they shove you down the line. Throw pills at you. If none of that works, they decide you’re crazy and move on…cuz God knows they have a two week Italian vacation coming up! They don’t have time for your pesky problems, especially ones CAUSED by their own profession! Scared of law suits. Their God Complex makes them impotent to perform on cases like mine.

All I want is a doc or a team of docs preferably that care. That will take the time to try to help me. Just ease the pain by half. Or give me an easy YET tasty diet that helps. Cut down on these pills, yet still take care of the pain…just help me! There is more going on in me than adhesions and hernias…I know it…but they aren’t finding it, cuz they are not trying hard enough.

Since I’ve been down so much, I’ve watched a bit of tv. Also tickin me off. Dr. Phil has had alot of “young adults” on there who think the world owes them a living. These spoiled brats think they can graduate high school, barely and walk right into a 2,000 sq. ft. fully furnished home, with a brand new car, sit on their butts playin video games, gettin their nails and hair done weekly, full star studded wardrobe, limitless foods, designer dogs with all the fixins….and not work…or work very little…they just think this crap is owed to them!

I moved out at 17 (well its complicated..I moved from home to home from 13 to 17), but my first apartment was tiny…not sure sq ft but maybe like 500ish. I got furniture from Goodwill, used milk cartons with sheets over them as tables…I had a junker car that barely kept runnin, my dad had to do somethin to it weekly to get it on the road…but my point being…I didn’t expect anyone to give me a full blown life after highschool! I knew it would be a struggle. Yes I had money problems and had to go beggin to family members here and there, even moved home…but it just seems kids these days think they should have the best of everything the minute they move out…the big tvs, blue rays, xbox, cool furniture, best decor….I mean…daaaang! Work for your junk! Live BELOW your means! Learn how to budget! Learn to appreciate what you have!

Ugh. Well, that’s my crazy pain lady rant for today…I’m short of breath and just need to lay down again…take some decongestant. Pray for sleep. Thanks to anyone who read this…I appreciate being able to vent…especially when people actually understand my pain a little bit!

Its gettin to be ugly weather….so hope all the fibro and arthritis peeps are hangin in there! xoxo

AND PLEASE!!! SOMEONE WAKE ME THE HELL UP SOON!
T

Relief and working while having a chronic illness:

Have you ever finished up something and felt such a relief?  Maybe you had been doing something for a long time, a job you hated or a friendship that was toxic or fake?  Then after you finally get rid of it, you felt free?  Felt like the proverbial “monkey was off your back?”  I have had this feeling before and I have friends who have as well.  It’s amazing how you can get into a “rut” doing something you despise or being involved with someone who you just feel is not who they pretend to be…you just keep dragging this thing out, maybe because you feel you must for financial reasons in the case of a bad job or you hate to hurt someones feelings in the case of a bad friendship.  In either case it’s not good for the job, the friend or yourself to stick around.

In job situations sometimes people MUST stick it out, no matter how bad they hate it or how bad it is for their health.  That is so detrimental to that person’s mental and physical health.  They take being treated badly, being taken for granted and being paid a lousy wage just to put food on the table. Or the employer is just a delusional psych job that thinks they are the best thing since sliced bread, and that by allowing you to work for them they are somehow doing you a favor and expect you to kiss their feet for giving you a paycheck after a long hard week on the job?  It’s an all around bad situation.  I know many people stuck in jobs they hate, but have no other options other than to stick it out…for now.  I know waitresses who rely on tips…and who have clients who are too idiotic to leave decent tips or make you jump through hoops to get a decent tip…guess what people?  TIPS are part of most jobs that are service oriented!  DUH!  Giving that tip to the waitress doesn’t make you kind…it’s part of the deal when dining out!  Unless of course you get crappy service, then of course you may have a valid reason not to tip.

I am lucky in that I have found a job I love and that works out with my physical limitations!  The supervisors I have are amazing!  They treat the employees very well and with respect.  The co workers are great, everyone helps each other out.  Working any job when having a chronic illness, especially one involving alot of pain, is very difficult.  On days when you can barely bring yourself to get out of bed…but you must force yourself up and to work.  You take your meds and you just push yourself to get to your job and to do it to the best of your ability…even with the pain and the brain-fog related to the pain medications.  Yes, it is hard indeed.  But we do it, because we have to or because it fullfills us to be out in the world, doing something we enjoy.  I am so grateful that I am able to work outside the home in a job that I love and can physically do…I’m lucky to be able to push myself to do it.

I hate the days where I am in so much pain I can’t even force myself to get up, much less work.  Those days suck.  They make you feel so pitiful and helpless.  I have many of these days each month, but thankfully not every single day…I can usually “suck it up” enough to get up and get stuff done…with the help of my pharmaceutical suitcase…lol.

Well, I hope everyone out there in cyberland is having a glorious day!  The weather is awesome!  Slide open those windows and air the house out!  (Some people REALLY need to do this….ever walked into a house that smelled like stinky garbage? ewww)…

xoxoxoxoxxo

“Make plans, but allow for changes!”

Gifts from the heart? Micro-managing…and more!

Have you ever given a gift to someone?  Of course you have!  All of us have given a gift to someone at some point or another in our lives.  Maybe it was an extravagant gift like a diamond necklace…or maybe it was a used t-shirt we no longer needed or wore…maybe it was rocks from your garden that your bestfriend really liked and wanted….maybe it was lunch for a friend….maybe it was a cash tip for a job well done!  Yes, we have all done this, right?

When you gave this gift…did you do it because you wanted to?  Because you felt good doing something nice for someone?  Because you are just a kind and giving person?  Because you wanted to show the other person some type of appreciation?  Because you liked or loved the recipient of the gift?  Probably so.

After giving said gift, did you then harbor in the back of your mind that this person somehow was now indebted to you or owed you in some capacity?  That you now have done something nice for them and they now owe you the same in return?  I would think not, because the whole idea of giving a gift is to do it out of kindness…not out of some twisted sense of “HA! Now you must turn and do something nice for me!”  lol…no, I think we all give gifts because we are nice and it makes US feel good to do good for others.  At least I hope so. 

I have heard stories of people who do nice things for others, then throw it in their face when things don’t go their way for some reason.  I’ve never been sure what to make of people who do things like that.  People who say things like “Well I was nice to you!  How can you disagree with my opinion?”  Like being nice was payment on some future debt owed.  “I was nice to you in 1987, so I need you to wash my car now!”  Or they blow what they have given you so far out of proportion…like that old mirror that had been in their attic unused or unseen for years was some brand new grand piano?  I dunno.  I have just heard of these type of occurrances, and it bothers me.  When I give someone something, I gave it.  It’s gone.  It made me feel good and it made them feel good.  Once you bring it up or make it ugly….it makes no one feel good.

Just watched a movie this week where this man was a micro-manager.  OF EVERYTHING!  He was the supervisor at a big department store.  He was one of those bossy bosses…lol.  You know the type.  They know it all.  They have done it all.  They know the best way of doing it all.  On the surface he seemed like a nice guy…in fact, he would be the first to tell you what  a nice guy he was!  Once they really got to know him however…or worked under him for any length of time…they saw the truth.  He would tell the guys stories about his life..or problems he is having with other employees or other people in general…and of course they agree with everything he says…he’s the boss or your friend or your brother in law!  What else are ya gonna do?  Anyway, on the show he was such a “manager” of everything, at home…he ran the show…he told his wife how to do everything, where to put things, how to put them there, when to put them there. He wasn’t abusive or anything, it was a comedy…lol, he was just so arrogant!  He didn’t even seem to realize just how annoying he was, or how everyone really found him to be a total bafoon! His poor wife, she followed his every rule and command like a whipped puppy dog.  She’d say “Oh yes, Honey!  I’ll do that!” To his every command.  “If she only knew how he talked about her behind her back!”…the friends would say.  He had two grown sons who wouldn’t even talk to him…they would talk to the mom, and stop over only when the dad wasn’t around, at first…before you found out how the dad was, you thought these two sons were real brats for being so mean to their father…then as the story unfolded, you understood!   The employees did as they were told and pretended to be interested in his boring and sometimes ridiculous stories, they would put in the correct compliments where indicated.  But outside of work, they all made fun of him.  Of how he really thought he was “cool” or “goodlooking” or “smart”, or “talented” he really thought he was a great singer, when in fact it sounded like fingernails on the chalkboard!  Didn’t stop him from singing all the time though!  In the shower, in the bathroom stalls, in the halls, everywhere!  lol…  This guy would find one employee and take him under his wing…he was so desperate for a friend at the beginning of the movie, the new employee would go along with his boss…at times feeling pity for the guy.  Eventually this “boss’s pet” would figure out that the dude was completely nutzo!  He soon learned why all the other employee’s talked badly about this guy and why some had previously quit.  His demands were at times just plain moronic, and he always thought someone was trying to rip him off…whether at work or at home…it was hilarious..at one point he had three different plumbers coming to his house for estimates on just changing the ballcock in the toilet tank!  Trying to save $5.oo!  lol….but you would’ve had to watch the movie and I can’t remember the name of it right now.  Eventually the guy lost his job…and was left as he started…friendless and looking for work….but no worries, his hapless wife was still by his side, but there was the indication that she would soon be sick of his insanity. It ended with him sending back the car he had just had specially outfitted with outrageous interior because he now thought it was vulgar…the guys at the auto detailers, put a dead fish in his car heater vents!  It was great!!! Even though it was funny, it did have a moral…that even if you’re delusional thinking you are greater than you really are, in the end…it’s others opinion of you that tells the world what kind of person you are.  Anyway…I guess the show got me thinkin about all the micro-managers of the world….I bet they give themselves migraines!

I’m feeling pretty good tonight.  For a change.  Think I’m getting my UTI under control.  It’s one of those days where I am feeling thankful for alot of things instead of down.  I am thankful that I have two great children who love me and spend alot of time with me…willingly!  I am grateful that I have such a great relationship with my kids and my family!  I am grateful that I have so many kind and loving and true friends…some in person and some online!  I am grateful that I have a strong and supportive family…even through tough times.  I am just grateful for alot tonight!  And guess what peeps?  SPRING has sprung!  Woo Hoo!  What’s not to love about that?!  Sunshine!  That always makes me feel better.  And Easter is Sunday, and spring break….I sure hope the weather stays nice for everyone! 

I appreciate all of you who read and message me privately and comment! 

We should give as we would receive, cheerfully, quickly, and without hesitation; for there is no grace in a benefit that sticks to the fingers.  ~Seneca

The Little Girl…Part 9

It’s one of her “bad days.”  That’s how she labels each day of her life now.  “Good days or bad days.”  She’s had been laying in bed all day.  She was loaded up on all her pain medications with heating pad in place.  A stack of books beside her on the bed with a magazine thrown in for variety.  Of course her computer was right there too.  That was a necessity!  It was her window to the world during these bleak days in bed.  She had found many wonderful friends on this World Wide Web!  She could talk to them and they understood her pain…it was a sisterhood of misery so to speak.  She cherished each and everyone of these friends.

It was while reading a book called “Strong at the broken places” that an idea came to her.  She had been struggling with trying to find something positive out of all she had been through…to find some purpose for it all.  While reading about a man who was dieing of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma…this man, although he knew his time was limited, he would go and volunteer at a Hospice Home weekly.  He felt that since he was living with the fast approaching the crossover to the otherside, what a good match for him to go and help those who were a few steps closer than he!  Now this was her take on what he was doing, not necessarily his.  That was it she thought!  She needed to go help others through their hospital stays!  Afterall, who knew better than she what it was like to be in a hospital?  After spending so much time in the hospital herself, she had been through all the emotions of feeling like a caged animal, of feeling isolated and alone and forgotten.  Of being scared out of her wits.  The not knowing how the next shift would be treating her or not treating her.  The indignities that go along with being in a hospital setting.  She became very excited at the prospect of being able to help others! 

She immediately began searching the local hospitals and hospice homes for a position that she was equipped to perform.  It took her a few weeks and there it was!  A local hospital had an ad on the internet for a “Patient Safety Technician” this position consisted of sitting at the bedside of patients who were at risk of pulling out tubes or climbing out of bed or who were on suicide precautions.  The patients included brain injuries, strokes, seizures, etc.  There would be no lifting or physical requirements!  She couldn’t believe it!  This would be perfect!  She applied immediately.  She prayed and prayed to get this job…she knew it was meant just for her!  Right before Thanksgiving she received the call…she was to come in for an interview! 

Well, to say she was excited would be a huge understatement!  She screamed “Honey!  I have the interview!” she was so happy!  Her husband was happy for her!  She began rummaging through her clothing…she needed to find an interview outfit that still fit her!  She tried on many suits and finally settled on one.  During the interview she was so nervous!  She felt like a stuttering fool!  She left the interview feeling like she probably looked and acted like a moron and wouldn’t get the job.  So much for positive thinking she thought to herself as she drove home.  She walked in the door…to an empty house.  Climbed into her pajamas and laid in bed…thinking of all the dumb answers she had given during the interview.  “God, I am such an idiot!” she said aloud.

The phone rang.  She put down the spatula she had been using to flip hamburgers over on the stove…dinner for the night.  Atleast her husbands dinner, as she can’t eat red meat, hers would be the side dish of mac and cheese.  She answers the phone and it’s the hospital!  She was offered the job!  She was so elated she could barely follow the rest of the conversation!  When she hung up, she began screaming…”I GOT IT, I GOT IT!!  I GOT THE JOB!!!” 

That was one more thing she had to be thankful for that Thanksgiving!  Her life, her family, her friends and now her JOB!  She felt like she was going to be actually contributing now!  To the household, to the community, and most importantly to people who were scared and alone laying in a hospital bed.  After starting the job, it was as she had hoped, perfect for her.  She talked easily to the patients, they liked her, she was caring and empathetic, and to the ones who were able to communicate, she would tell them bits and pieces of her story.  She would answer their questions and concerns.  Some saw her as an inspiration, they felt that since she had survived such a horrible health predicament and come out on the otherside, that they could do the same.  She encouraged them to stay positve, to set their goals and go for it.  They discussed faith and how they felt angry at God…how they felt abandoned…how they felt jealous of their family members who could come and go from the hospital as they pleased…She let them know that all of that was completely normal…that she had felt the same feelings herself.  They would sometimes tell her she had really helped them, had given them hope, had made them feel stronger!  She would go home and feel like she had really made a difference to someone that day at work.  For the first time in a long time…she felt good about herself.  She felt this was what God wanted her to be able to do.  To help others who were suffering.  To be an example of strength and courage.

She spent many years doing this job she loved.  Over those years she had four more grandchildren, making a grand total of five!  She loved them all so much, they frequently stayed all night with her and her husband (otherwise known as Mee Maw and Paw Paw).  Her children and their children would come over every Sunday for potluck dinners.  She felt blessed.  Surrounded by her family, she sat in her chair thanking God for what she had.  When her little five year old grand daughter Sarah came and crawled up on her lap…she hugged her tight and thanked God again…because this LITTLE GIRL would never have to hide under her bed praying to God with fear.  This LITTLE GIRL and all the other grandchildren would be loved and protected.  She rocked her grandbaby and a tear slid down her cheek…one last tear for the LITTLE GIRL that she herself used to be.

THE END

Bring your life to life…stop planning and start living!

thank you all so much for reading my blog!  some of you may know this already, but alot of it is based on my life, with some fiction thrown in as well…I could have put in alot more, but didn’t want to drag it out too much.  I am writing an actual book on this story and hope to someday be published.  Thanks again for taking the time to read it!  I will have many more blogs to come!