Archive | March 2012

"The Sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed." (Isaiah 50:4)

One of the strange and paradoxical things about illness is how it can bring out jealousy and envy in others. It is more than I can wrap my mind around that there are those who appear to be jealous and envious of our illnesses.

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this was a great blog...I will state here and now...if ANYONE thinks its fun to be sick 90% of the time, they are welcome to a week of my life...yes, there r days I will force my body to do "Normal" things, like shop, or go to dinner, but then I will suffer 50% worse for 2 days after that in bed, barely able to move. Having a chronic illlness & being in chronic pain is no game...no one wpuild live this way if it weren't necessary. Yes, I know it sounds nice to spend the week in bed when you're working a 50 hr. week & raising kids...I used to have the privelegde of doing that...but trust me when I say, I would go back to those days at the snap of a finger! I WANT to work and make my own money! I WANT to get out & meet people! But until you really live in the bed of a chronic...you have no idea what this horrible "bed sentence" in like day in and day out.

I’m SCARED

Mar8

I yell…I’m SCARED

I cry…I’m SCARED

I judge…I’m SCARED

I order…I’m SCARED

I demand…I’m SCARED

I scream…I’m SCARED

I want perfection…I’m SCARED

I want help…I’m SCARED

I want encouragement…I’m SCARED

I want order…I’m SCARED

I want empathy…I’m SCARED

I’m in PAIN…I’m SCARED

The pain is changing and it’s getting worse. I feel like there is no doctor that will even try to fix the mess that is my abdomen. I’m terrified of leaving my family. I can’t outrun the agony anymore. I am certain noone wants to be around me, because I don’t want to be around me. I’m wound up so tight…every move and every breath is stabbing me harder than ever…the pain causes my jaw to lock with near vomit. I’m feeling hateful and mean, yet sad, ashamed and SCARED. I skipped my heart test today because the abdominal pain was so severe. I do not know what to do anymore. Why go to the doc? Why go to the hospital? For more tests that I can’t pay for? To hear another dumbass doctor say “I’m sorry, but surgery is too dangerous, it may cause more damage or you may not make it…just pop your pills and drink your Ensure and lay in bed til you croak~!”….

I wish I could go just lock myself in a rubber room…hide from the world, because atleast then I wouldn’t be terrorizing everyone I love. Everyone is either worried sick about me or sick OF me. I am sick of me. I can’t believe they can’t atleast give me pain relief…maybe that’s where I need to focus…on getting better pain control…stop dreaming of a fix…forget healing….just numb me…please dear God…just bring me SOME kind of relief!

I’M SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!