i'm not allowed to talk to people,no one or my daddy,mostlly daddy will slap me down. i not saying nothing cause then i get in trouble and i get punished too much,sometimes so purple an blue i cant go to school with my sister and brother. i like school a lot cuz my teachre is pretty and nice an she smiles alot to all the kidss.not jus to me but to all the kids but a lot to just me.
Twenty-five years ago you came
assured my life would never be the same
what a sweet boy you were to all
I loved you each year you grew so tall
It all happens so fast
I wish childhood would last and last
So I could hold you in my lap and hug you oh so tight
Instead you grew at the speed of light
Now that you’re grown and on your own
I have the memories that are mine alone
Memories of my sweet boys face
Blowing out his candles, these memories you can’t replace
Twenty-five years ago today
God gave me a gift and in my heart he will stay
She rolled out of the bed, shutting off the alarm. Thoughts immediately flood her mind. So many things to do today. The most important one being interviewing a young woman to fill the live in nanny position. She has been looking for a responsible nanny since her previous “super nanny” Margo, had to move to the East coast to live with her son and his family. She had been with them for 14 years, and was fabulous with her 2 children, 14 year old Sophie and 12 year old Stephen. Margo kept the house in order, made an occassional meal and helped with the kids homework when she was running late at the office.
Being a doctor is a wonderful profession, and has wonderful perks…but the hours can certainly take over your life…it certainly took over her marriage. The divorce was two years ago, but the pain still feels fresh. It was true that becoming a doctor and creating a thriving practice took up alot of her time. She worked hard to get here. Being a physician was her goal since second grade, when she had her tonsils removed. She was fascinated with her doctor and all his instruments! The blood-pressure cuff (sphygmomanometer), stethoscope, laryngoscope, otoscope and even just a simple thermometer…it all held so much wonder to her, even at the age of eight.
Her parents were strict. They were “pushers” pushing her to do this after school activity and that activity…pushing her to take AP classes…pushing her to eat right and exercise…pushing her to only socialize when necessary and only with the “appropriate” friends. So, it goes without saying, her teen years and college years, were all very academic oriented, with very few exciting events. Her life-long friend Brandy calls her whole life “Vanilla.” That pretty much explains it. Boring vanilla. But, in reality…living a vanilla life suited her. She wasn’t a risk-taker, she loves to learn, loves to read and research, loves to sit at home and cuddle on the couch with her family. Who needs sprinkles anyway?
At 5′ 1″ and 100 lbs, she is what the fashion industry has pegged as petite. Shoulder length blond hair and deep blue eyes and, as her friend Brandy says, “A complexion to kill for!” would pretty much complete her description. She was always described as a determined fighter by her mother. Sometimes more determined than was good perhaps. Once she set her mind on something, there was no stopping her.
When she first saw Scott…her determination definitely kicked in. She first laid eyes on him in the medical library of Vanderbilt teaching hospital here in Nashville. They were both in their first year of residency. He was tall, at 6’2″ he towered over her. He had dark brown hair and big brown eyes…those eyes…they are what drew her to him. He could flirt with the best of them, she was not exactly shy, but having led her “vanilla” type lifestyle, she wasn’t a big flirt by any means. He came over to her table there in the library that day. Struck up a conversation about hematology, referencing a book she had laid out on the table about a blood-clotting disease called Antiphospholipid Syndrome. They talked for quite awhile about that particular disease and others before he paused and asked if she would like to go for coffee. She hated coffee. But…some icky flavored brown water was NOT going to keep her from continuing some conversation with this competely perfect man!
Perfect. Yea…not so much. Here she is 16 years later…the last five of which she knew Scott was having an affair. At first she couldn’t believe it. Scott would never do that to her or their family! But, the signs were there. She asked him one night after dinner, as Margo was putting the kids to bed, if he was seeing someone. He laughed at her and told her she was crazy. She dropped it, but after another call from him saying he was having another “late night” at the office, she couldn’t repress her instincts anymore. She became the woman she swore she never would. She started snooping on her husband. She would go thru his pockets, check his calendar, check his phone, but it was checking his computer that confirmed her suspicions. She clicked on a folder entitled “L” and there on the screen was a picture that caused her heart to jump right into her throat! It was Lisa. Scotts old girlfriend. She was a model, and the picture before her made that all too clear. But this was more than just beyond some “headshot” this was a fullly nude Lisa…and there were many of them. She stood staring, mouth agape. Her heart was beating so hard she could barely breathe. Her head was swimming. Why? Why does he have these photos of Lisa? They hadn’t seen each other in 15 years…or had they?
She began running the past few years in her head…was he having an affair with Lisa? Or just fantasizing…how recent are these pictures of her? Her head was spinning. Anyone but her! She had always felt insecure when it came to Lisa. She was this perfect looking woman, never had children so nothing was stretched out of shape on her! She was not the smartest woman, that’s for certain…why? She continued checking out Scotts computer for anymore evidence…THERE. There it was. Messages. Lots of them. He and Lisa have been conversing. He’s too stupid to delete his history. She read thru their messages quickly…they were having a full blown relationship. Worse…they discussed her and the children! That devastated her. To find out that Scott was with Lisa. He always said she meant nothing to him. She was just a “bimbo” he said. He said the two years he spent with her, were the most miserable of his life…that she was vindictive and immature. But, evidently vindictive, immature bimbos were more his type. She confronted Scott with what she had found. He blamed her, blamed her long hours, said she was too boring for him….she was devastated. She went to confide what was happening to Brandy. She had trusted Brandy. But as she was explaining it all to her, Brandy dropped a bombshell. Scott was seeing many women, including her! She said it was a one time thing…but one time is all it takes in these matters, isn’t it?
She couldn’t believe that Brandy could betray her like this! She had been her best friend for as long as she could remember! How could Scott? How could Brandy? She had done so much for Brandy over the years! She had let her live with her rent free, she bought her and her daughter clothing and other items over the years, they came over every weekend to watch movies and have dinner or play boardgames…the betrayal by Brandy stung more than he one by Scott.
The anger has eaten at her since she had found out. She proceeded with the divorce and stopped communicating with Brandy. Brandy begged for her forgiveness, blamed it on alcohol and one night of weakness. The excuses weren’t gonna cut it. From either of them. During that time, she found out about so many lies. Lies by Scott, lies by Brandy. Brandy always talked so poorly of her family. She called them white trash. She claimed her mother was a drug addict/alcoholic. She said she may as well been raised by a pack of wolves. She claimed to have no-one in her life that cared about her. She made her feel so sorry for her and her baby girl. But, after finding out about all the lies, she then wondered if all those stories were also lies. She wondered what lies Brandy told her family about her?
How can people do those things to each other? She struggled with that question that past couple years. But she has decided now to make a fresh start. To not dwell on the betrayals by those closest to her. She focused on her children and her career. And she is happy. She recently met a man at work. They had been to coffee, she had developed quite a taste for it by now, and she enjoyed his company. The future was looking up.
The interview went well. She hired the new nanny. She let go of all the resentment and anger and mistrust that had accumulated over the years. But, she wonders…everytime a person is treated like she was, lied to and betrayed…how does one ever fully trust again? If the ones who profess to love you the most can treat you so badly…what can we expect from those who don’t know us at all? Or do people just have their own versions of the truth and feel they are doing nothing wrong when they lie to you? How do they live with themselves when they are scheming and making up lies? Do they have a conscience? She hopes to never have to feel that way again. She prays her children never know what it feels like to be betrayed by someone they love…but she knows that prayer will likely not get answered. It’s inevitable.
Again…just a flow & type story. Just practicing…thanks for reading!
She told him to never forget that. She had no idea that in just a short time, her ability to keep that promise would be ripped away from her…
He was taken away by people we trusted. She may never see him again. what must he think of her? That she broke her promise? That she really did lie to him? That she does’t love him?
She can barely stand the thought of him believing she doesn’t want to see him. He doesn’t know it’s not her choosing. She has no control over this forced separation.
While she knows he will not be harmed, it does not change the fact that he shouldn’t have to suffer this emotional scar anymore than she.
They may say he’s young and doesn’t miss or even remember her at all…but she knows better.
This is the cruelest fate a mother can endure…the abduction of her only child, by the one person she thought she could trust.
His father came for his weekly overnight visit…while the divorce wasn’t pain free, it was okay by most standards. There was never any indication that he would do something as insanely cruel as this.
He knows how much she loves their only child…her sweet little boy Seth…now only four years old.
Now looking back she wonders, what made him so sad that day…when he cried and said “but mommy, you’re not going to love me anymore!”…had he heard his father say something? She had asked him at the time why he would think that? But he didn’t have a strait answer…but they hugged tight as she promised her forever love for him.
Had his father been cruel to Seth? Had she missed some signs? Joe had always had a harsher way with Seth than she, but she never saw anything over the top, if she had…she would have most definitely called CPS. Since the divorce things have been cival and the weekly visits for Seth seemed to be going fine…although he was always tired after coming home from a visit, she figured it was just due to not sleeping as well as he does at home in his own bed.
This…This was the one nightmare that she had always said she could never survive. Losing a child. Whether from kidnapping or death. Joe knew this. This is how he was getting back at her for the divorce. He and his trampy little “Nanny” he brought into their family a year ago. How had she been so stupid? So blind? Had they planned this even then?
It’s been over a month since she has seen or spoken with her baby. What must he think? How can they be this heartless? She can almost understand the vengeance put upon her by Joe, but do they not see that this will be equally hurtful for Seth? They know how close she and Seth always have been…this separation has got to be causing Seth emotional trauma.
They just don’t care. They are doing what they want with no regard for anyone else involved. The police have tried to locate the three of them since she reported Seth missing a few hours after she expected Joe to drop him home after their visit. At first she thought Joe was just running late, as per his usual. He never was much for being punctual. But after a couple hours, something told her that this time, something was different. She frantically kept dialing Joe’s cell, going strait to voicemail each time. She left several messages, all unanswered.
The first week she didn’t sleep or eat. She was either crying hysterically or staring blindly into space. She was a walking zombie. The police claimed they would have Seth back home soon…by the second week, she knew if she wanted to get her baby back, she was going to have to get it done herself.
She hired a P.I. and between him and the cops, they had tracked Joe down in Cancun Mexico. How predictable. Cancun…their honeymoon and vacation spot! Just today she was notified that they have the exact condo address where Joe and a young female and little boy were staying. Could it be true? Is it possible that finally they know where her baby is? She’s afraid that because Joe is in Mexico, it will be harder to get Seth back home.
The hours are crawling by as she waits to hear something. She was told to stay put and stay off the phone. She just sits on the couch clutching Seth’s “Mr. Monkey” and praying for his safe return. She kept visualizing all the things that could go wrong. Just as her emotions were spiraling out of control, there was a knock at the door. She froze…was this it? Is she going to be reunited with her child? Or has something gone horribly wrong?
She answered the door and there was Mike, the big gruff P.I. who had been working alongside the State Police for the past few weeks…He told her that they have found them and they were in custody. Amanda, the nanny, had already admitted everything to the police. How Joe had planned this for many months. Seth was in good hands with a social worker and was being transported home. He should be there within a couple hours!
Her thoughts were just everywhere! She hugged Mike around his neck, saying “Thank You!” repeatedly and kissing him on the cheek. Their embrace may have lingered a tad longer than necessary, but she backed away and asked question after question. Mike patiently answered every one she asked. It seems Joe wasn’t cut out for a life of criminal kidnapping. He didn’t bother to hide his identity or anything. He figured since he was the father, he could take the child wherever and whenever he wanted. Evidently reading the divorce agreement slipped his mind.
All she really cares about is holding Seth. Planting kisses allover his chubby little cheeks! Mike stayed to wait with her. They sat at the table, sipping coffee and going over the events of the past few weeks. What a whirlwind! He had been so supportive and empathetic for her. She has no family and just a few close friends, so his support was very appreciated.
Another knock at the door…they both jumped and the coffee’s spilled over the sides of the cups. She ran to the door. As she flung it open there stood a young lady with a smile on her face, without a word she just turned to look behind her and there was the little blond baby boy…holding a sucker in one hand and a stuffed monkey in the other! He looked up and yelled “MOMMY!!” and she knelt down and scooped him into her arms and kept saying “Oh baby…my precious baby! Mommy has missed you so very much! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! I love you so much My little Monkey!” Seth struggled and pulled back to say “Mommy! I can’t breathe! You’re squishing me!” She let up on her grip and they all shared a laugh.
She sat there that evening with her precious child, watching him play, reading to him, holding him and hugging him. She asked about his time away, and he told her about travelling and adventures. He said Amanda was nice to him and gave him lots of candy. Then he crawled back into her lap and put his little hands on each of her cheeks and said “Mommy, I knew you were loving me the whole time I was gone! I knew you didn’t desert me!”
He was so very right. She was loving him the whole time. She would never desert him. A mommy never deserts her children.
This is obviously a very “rough” story. It just flowed out of me and I typed as it did, no editing or researching…just a simple amateurish story…something to keep my mind busy for a bit….Sometimes I write just as an escape…sometimes to vent…sometimes to educate, and sometimes for fun. This was just an escape, so please forgive any typos or implausability. I’m missing someone right now, and writing is one way to get “out of my head” for a bit. Thanks so much for reading.
Driving home from the latest medical appointment today, I was contemplating how the rest of my day would go…generally the very way it does most days. I will get home, and walk thru the door to the dogs all barking their heads off, I will let them outside as I trip over the three of them walking to the door. I will unload whatever items I may have from store, then head to jump into my pajamas.
I wash my face, then straigten up the house so I can relax. Let the dogs in, prepare their dinner and serve. Then decide if my body will tolerate something more substantial then Ensure, which it usually will not, so drink my dinner then hit the sofa and turn on the computer and tv. Yep, both will be on somedays…usually a news or documentary type program on television or Netflix and just email, facebook or blog stuff on the computer. I’m doing cancer research for a family member, as well as researching my own illnesses, so I’m on the computer alot.
The dogs and cat are usually on the sofa with me, keeping my legs warm! The fireplace is flickering and heating up the room…I’m trying to learn crochet, so I may have the yarn and hooks out with the magazine and maybe a YouTube tutorial. I will usually talk to my mom and grandmother by phone at some point.
If the pain is really bad I don’t do much of anything other than lay on couch and focus on breathing gently so I don’t aggravate the issue…usually try to keep from crying, as that just makes it that much worse. As the evening goes on I get myself a cup of chamomille tea…with too much sugar and maybe a couple of Saltines. Play with the animals and brush the dogs…
Then it’s time to pick Jess up from work and she tells me about her day at work on the ride home, then we get in and she gets comfy while I empty her lunchbox. Then she gets a snack and we sit on the couch and watch something we have on the DVR, like tonight it will be American Idol…then later after Jim gets home, he and I go to bed and watch Days of Our Lives…yes, we are both hooked on it, for about two-years now I think! I personally LOVE EJ and I think Jim has a crush on Nikki (so would I if I was a guy!) lol.
After the show is over, Jim goes to sleep and I read until I am able to pass out, usually around 3am or so. Then I’m usually the first one up anymore, didn’t used to be, but am lately…get the fireplace on, fix our tea, let dogs out, then Jim gets up. Someone cooks so they can have dinner before leaving…after they go to work, I clean the house up, maybe go visit my grandparents, go to doc appointments, and maybe the store if I’m able to that day, but most days the pain keeps me pretty pinned down.
On Jessies nights off, she and I watch Gossip Girl or some Lifetime movie and chat. If I’m up to it, we might even get to go to the theatre or shop a little bit…same for Jims days off…usually as a family we go see a show or sit home watching Netflix. Sometimes the whole family gets together for dinners on Sundays or for birthdays and holidays. And now on Sundays I’ve been going to church with friends.
So, there you have it. My life in a nutshell…condensed of course, I left out mundane tasks of daily life for the most part…or is my whole life mundane? lol
But as I was driving home, thinkin bout my evening…I felt happy. Felt like I was looking forward to my routine. Since my whole life changed with these illnesses, it’s even more boring than it used to be…not that I was ever too exciting, but not being able to work, and not having young children at home anymore…leaves me with little to do. But somehow the days still speed by me and I can never figure out where the time goes!
It’s a quiet life. Yes, it’s filled with many, many extremely painful hours and lots of frustration over my whole digestive system and the medical communities inability to do much for me…but I like my life! I look forward to talking with my family members about their days at work, watching shows with them, laughing with them and joking with them…teasing each other and playing with the animals…it’s a good life for me.
Some people probably couldn’t imagine living the way that I do, day after day. The ones who are always on the go…always going somewhere, making plans for something, or working outside the home…but it’s working for me. It sounds cheesy, but every morning that I wake up, before I roll over to take my meds, I thank God for giving me another day here on Earth with my family…whether filled with pain or not, its also filled with joy…and I am CONTENT.
That’s pretty much my life
Have you ever had the opportunity or time to reflect on who you are? Or about who the people you think you know are? How well do we know ourselves? How well do we know others?
In my heart, if I was to describe who I was, I would say this: I’m a kind, caring, empathetic, sympathetic, honest, reliable, concerned, intelligent, organized, animal loving, book loving, information loving, family oriented homebody who is learning to live with multiple debilitating chronic illnesses that are life threatening, while trying to do anything I can to remain a decent mother, wife, daughter and granddaughter for my family. I can be short tempered when I’m having a high-pain day. I get frustrated with myself easily when I can’t do simple tasks with the ease everyone else can. I am a people pleaser and try to do things to make other people happy. I feel things rather deeply and used to think everyone did. I used to enjoy getting dressed in a cute outfit and going out once in awhile, I still love clothes and purses. I don’t have a problem with being alone, but I do feel lonely. I’m trying to find my purpose in life. I struggle everyday with feelings of being a burden to others. I worry too much. I am a bit ocd with certain aspects of cleaning or how and where things should be. I love to laugh, laughing til I cried used to be my favorite feeling and I love the color pink. That would be my view of me, that is how I would think others would describe me…but in reality, we never know how we look to others on the outside do we? Maybe someone else might describe me something like this:
A lazy, sickly, boring, nerdy, nosey, irritating, grouchy, cranky, worry wortish, neurotic, book-wormish, opinionated, snobbish, hermit, animal freak, know-it-all, anal bitch.
I don’t know. It’s like sometimes you think you think you know someone…and then they do or say things that totally make you wonder if you ever knew them? Then you begin to question your ability to really know people? You wonder if your judgement is that off? I’ve had instances where I would have a relationship with someone, whether romantic, friendly or familial, where I felt really close and connected with someone. Felt I really, really knew them. Felt I understood our feelings for each other. Only to have things come crashing in on me. Where it felt like one big sham. The person I thought I knew, turns out to be someone I didn’t know at all. Just as I’m sure people may have had similar experiences with me.
Sometimes these instances are more of a shock than others. Some people you really feel close to, like you know them or have known them your whole life. Then when they do something or say something to you or about you that hurts you, it really wrecks you deep in your soul.
It maybe just me, but I always thought that being close friends with people, meant you were in frequent contact, dropped in for coffee, sat and watched movies together, talked about things you wouldn’t discuss with others, told secrets to, stuck up for, loved and cared about, didn’t backstab or tell lies about and felt comfortable hanging out with. But sometimes it turns out that people just want these superficial type of friendships, where everything is more of a fake, let’s pretend everything is perfect, laugh and have a good time kind of relationship. Maybe they don’t want that other type of closeness for some reason, and that’s fine, I’m just saying to me…that’s what I want in close friendships. I may not even be good at it myself, it’s just my ideal.
It’s the same for me with family. The above type of relationship, but magnified even further. With family you should always feel comfortable being yourself. You should never feel you have to watch your back with family. You should always feel you can relax around family, like you can trust each other implicitly. But not all families are like that. Some are just, again…superficial. They treat each other almost like business acquaintances…it’s all nicey nice, aren’t things great type of meaningless banter.
I’ve always felt my family was tighter than most. Closer than most. Crazier than most. Even during very hard times, we are always there for each other. We see each other at our best and at our worst. We laugh, cry and yell with and at each other. But we’re real.
Again…just my ideals and thoughts. No matter how I perceive things, these perceptions can be ripped to shreds in a blink of an eye. How would one react if everything they thought they knew was in fact, nothing more than some fake experience? That the people we thought we were closest to, didn’t think of us in the same way at all?
We all are living beside each other, everyday, having the same or similar experiences with the same places, people and things…yet we all see, feel or hear it differently. We all take things in a way that suits us best. If you want to see the best in people you will, but if you’re looking to see the worst, you definitely will.
Some people make it hard to know them. They are actors thru and thru. They will say what you want to hear at the time, they will do the same with others. They will pretend to be one person with you and another with me. They will talk badly about me to you, and talk badly about you to me. They will present themselves one way today and another way tomorrow. How do you know these people? Really know them?
Humans need close relationships. We need bonding. We need to feel loved and understood. But how can you ever feel you’re understood or known, if people are themselves determining who you are, rather than truly getting to know you?
Who am I? I’m a confused and known only to a few.
I worry about my kids every minute of every day…I worry about my family, my husband, my pets, my home, myself…my mind never quits.
I worry I won’t live long enough to get my family situated…but I also worry that my existence keeps them from getting there. Somedays I beg the Lord to let me live and other days I beg him to call me home.
Serious and continuous pain screws with your mind for sure. I want to live so badly, to watch my family grow…to be here to support them and guide them…I pray constantly to be able to be a wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter…a person. Today has been a day where I dont know what to pray for.
Why does the pain have to fight to get past the 10 scale? Isn’t it enough to stay a steady 5 or 6? Why must it have moments where it rips right thru my soul? Makes me hate everything? I don’t like ME when the pain goes off the charts… I keep to myself so as not to bite anyones head off, if I can. I live in fear that all my days will be full of this increasing pain, yet I think I would prefer it to death, or would I? I’m sure the constant worry about others and myself just increases my minds perception of the pain.
Worrying is really such a wasted energy. The people you’re worrying about don’t benefit from it. The worrier doesn’t benefit from it. It won’t stop any catastrophe from occurring. So why is it such a strong urge in some people? For me, it’s out of such intense love and caring for my family. I always feel if I could worry in advance I could somehow stop something bad from happening…as insane as that is. It’s out of some crazy thought that if I worry about them, I can keep them from being hurt or disappointed or…something.
But in reality, worrying doesn’t help them and it doesn’t help me. Worry and stress can literally kill a person…lowers the immunity…drives you slowly insane. In my opinion worry is tied to intense love for the people you worry about. Also, being chronically ill gives a person more time to sit and fret over things. I guess I’m too sensitive, I feel too intensely…love and care too deep. It feeds the worry monster.
There is one worry, that just this week I’ve come to feel I can stop. I always worried about being here for my family…to raise them and guide them thru life. I no longer feel they need me here to do that. They are grown and manage okay on their own. So it’s a prayer God granted me…keeping me here long enough to get my kids grown. I am grateful for that. I wish worrying had an on/off switch. But, it doesn’t, so us worriers just have to try to focus that energy elsewhere.
I envy the laid back people in the world. The ones who don’t worry. Who just let things go as they may. Leave it all up to the universe. The old saying “Ignorance is bliss” really has to be true. The happiest people seem to be the ones who don’t worry, who have few responsibilities, who don’t try to look into the future and stop some possible calamity.
So, tonite I think I will pray for ignorance. Ignorance to all the bad things that can happen in the world or to the people I love. Until that prayer is answered, I’m afraid I will keep….Worrying….about trying NOT to worry!